Written In All Sorts Of POVs Because Im Unorganized And Angry. Will Edit Later, I Need To Vent.

Written in all sorts of POV’s because I’m unorganized and angry. Will edit later, I need to vent.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions and implications of SA, suicidal ideations if you read between the lines, a now ex friend who made fun of my experience

This is a VENT!!!

Innocence died screamin’

Honey ask me, I would know

I screamed. Begged. Pleaded. Eventually I had to punch.

My innocence died at 13 and I still remember waking up in that truckbed with sore knuckles surrounded by vomit.

And I didn’t cope with it in any healthy way. All the way up until the night after my 18th birthday I let people use me and jerk me around with my emotions as a collar.

So forgive me, cunt; if I tell you something with the confidence you won’t treat it like a joke. Forgive me if I’m angry and explosive when you treat these things as if it’s another story to go and tell all of our friends because you think you’re soooo special for not “giving it away” until well after your 20th. Forgive me if that makes me “an easy lay” for being vulnerable around people I once trusted.

“I just feel like it should be special when it finally happens for me, you have expressed you don’t feel one way in particular about virginity.”

I didn’t get a choice, otherwise virginity would be way higher on my list. I don’t get to have the same experience you did. I’m glad and overwhelmingly happy you felt safe, I glad you weren’t gutted and robbed like I was.

When my partner and I met she had only the bullet points of what happened to me. She had an idea that the reason [redacted] and I stopped talking was because something happened.

[redacted] felt like everyone where we worked should know, even after I did my best to cover up what wasn’t even my fault in the first place. To this day I’ve never once tried to bring it up to other coworkers that [redacted] was lying about what really happened. I had to beg with my partner not to knock his teeth out.

She knew before we started dating that my outlook on sex was skewed.

“I think sex can be beautiful with the right person; but I don’t think I could personally see myself being sexually active.”

And she accepted that as my answer. Part of me feels bad, though. I feel like on some level that because of my (albeit valid) fear that I’m preventing some level of intimacy between us. Only time will tell if something ever happens in that regard.

Sometime I look at the photo drive of people I used to be friends with. Sometime I dig through my Polaroids to look at the frozen moments. I don’t have the heart to get rid of them. And I don’t know why.

I hope that one day I can untangle the mess in my mind, get rid of all the photos; and eventually be comfortable in my own skin as myself.

VENT

I’ll edit later bc I know it’s written all wacky and the tenses make no sense. I’m tired and I need to go to bed, it’s already light out 😭😭😭

I love my partner; there’s literally nothing she could do that I wouldn’t crumble into a pile of adoration over.

Her stepdad is a different story…I’ve met the guy twice in our relationship so far. The second time was after a night out with my partner and Ghostie. We went to a popular urban legend spot and ran out like little bitches after hearing a LOUD shriek which at 4 in the morning really fucks with you (lol). We went there to drop my partner back at her place. Our interaction consisted of a simple “goodnight be safe yada yada, nice to meet you by the way, I’m dating your kid”

The FIRST time I met her stepdad was at work. I was working fast food at that point in time. I had NO CLUE who he was. He came up to the front counter and said (word for word)

“hi, can i get a medium fry to go? Who’s your T doctor?”

My guy W H A T ? You meet your kid’s partner and the first thing you do is ask about my medicals? What happened to “hi nice to meet you?” And either way, I was on the clock, at work; doing work things. At the time I didn’t even know who the hell he was either. There was zero introduction. For all I knew he was a complete stranger.

While it was an incredibly invasive question I answered honestly, explaining that at that point due to the law change I stopped taking T until after my birthday (which was a month before this interaction) he kinda “hmm”’d at me and said something about his T shots and it hit me; bro is also trans. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that. I thought that was super neat cause now I knew I already had something in common with him.

A few days ago my partner told me that because I don’t bind or go out of my way to present one way or another that her stepdad was making comments that I’m “not really trans” because I don’t bind at work.

First off, not that it’s her stepdads business, but binding in a hot and greasy workplace while being a smoker and on top that being off of T which means my estrogen levels rocketed and thus made my boobas painful didn’t seem like a great idea. I choose breathing over chest pain :)

Second, I was stealthing at work aside from like 2 other coworkers who I know outside of work.

Third, I don’t owe anyone any type of masculinity or femininity. I dress comfortably and while I do present masculine outside of work sometimes I’m just lazy or not feeling like putting a lot of effort into the way I look.

Fourth- blud has been on T much longer than I have at that point, so no. Im not gonna look like a cis dude. And I don’t really give a shit 🤷

Why in the world was someone who has years of being trans on me try to beef with me and “out trans” me??? I’d met him twice at this point and both times I had been as respectful as possible to him.

The part that really got under my skin though, was that her stepdad has been raving about how I seem delicate and stupid, I’m going to be hate crimed, I needed protection from my partner, etc.

Delicate? Sure, I have vulnerable moments, but for the most part I’m delicate like a landmine and if you step on the pressure plate too hard yeah, I’m gonna explode.

Stupid? Yes. But just because I do stupid things and make some stupid choices doesn’t make me a stupid person. I’m competent and capable. I wasn’t climbing the work ladder with my stupidity that’s for damn sure.

Hate crimed? Unfortunately yes, but I do my best to not instigate and try my damndest not to put myself in situations like that.

Need protection? Nah, I’m good. Daddy raised a cryer with good aim, not a bitch :)

The “delicate” comment came from right after my parents nearly got divorced twice in one month and I lost the only grandparent on my dad’s side of the family that I had left. The women who raised me and the other woman I liked calling “mom”. Why can’t I be vulnerable in that moment and let myself feel upset over something devastating like that???

I’m not gonna go create beef with her stepdad or anything; but it’s really fucking frustrating that I feel like I suddenly have something to prove :(

Dysphoria is usually like a 3/10 like I can handle it and all, but now it’s like a 6/10 and it hurts a little more :/ and I was really hoping I might be able to get tips or even bond over also being trans with him over time.

CPII, during a sleep deprived game of scrabble: “I hope you choke on [partner’s] uvula”

Me, loopy af at 5am, thinking about it: “how the FUCK do I do that?”

CPII: “You THOUGHT ABOUT IT?”

Me, watching a cutscene of ichiban getting out of jail: “where’s the scruff?”

CPII: “his scruff is gone”

Me, panicking for Ichiban: “HE’S SCRUFFLESS?!”

Dad, high while sitting in his chair: “…yeah not a fan of saliva-“

Me: [licks finger to poke him with]

Dad: “Everen I will kick you in the dick you wish you had,”

“Why is it that every time you have something decent going for you, you find a way to derail it?”

I’ve been screwed so much in my life that u less I end up self sabotaging myself it doesn’t feel like I ever deserved it. I know it isn’t right, I know it’s my own fault.

IM NOT A VIOLENT DOG; I DON’T KNOW WHY I BITE