Its Been A Minute.

Its been a minute.

Don't really know how to describe it all.

The changes

The hopes

The tears and the fears.

Each day I read about death

And wonder at my own demise.

I long for life

But do not always know how to touch it.

I do what I can in the moment

In order to keep on living.

.

I am loved.

This much I know.

I have been supported from those who mean the world

And in this I find strength.

I still lack understanding

Or the courage to seek love

But I am here

Alive

And knowing one way or another

I am going to make it over this horizon.

.

There have been ups and downs.

Answered prayers and rage.

The world spins on

And nothing truly changes.

I dream of better futures.

Plan for world's unknown.

My ambition touches stars

And everyone's faces touch my own.

I love because I know it is beautiful.

I keep on fighting because that is all there is to do.

I want more

I need more

I hunger and seek my nourishment.

A life of fear is no excuse to keep on running.

I deserve that happiness I have always been deprived.

.

Life is complicated.

Basic drives

But the pathways there

Myriad and winding.

I will keep on going forward

And learn to appreciate

My own innate beauty.

This has been one hell of a year.

Began with a meltdown,

Achieved some self awareness,

Accepted the truth of myself

Got into therapy

Worked on saving my own mind and soul

Started hormones

Started growing breasts

Cut out toxicity

And found myself again and again

Even now

In the final hour.

I have changed.

The world has turned

It's destination I cannot truly see.

Living day to day

Amazed by the wonder I see in it now.

It really is wild to think about, the world, everything going down. The air is electrified, brimming with potentiality and confusion. Anger, rage, simmering bubbling erupting feelings desperate to be expressed. A powder keg of madness. All the while bills still have to be paid, pills have to be taken, subscriptions renewed, all as though the world can never stop spinning, even as we sit wondering about the brink. Fucking hell of a time to be alive.

Reveling in my own beauty;

Feeling myself;

Vibing to my own music.

There is an interesting contentment I am feeling.

A serenity I honestly can't recall.

Eons since I last felt this good in my own skin.

I have been a stranger to my soul

But here and now

I feel close to it.

Sitting beneath the trees

Trying to understand.

Timidly taking my first steps

Into the life I couldn't imagine.

Anxiety about the future.

Never sure just what is in store.

Yearning to keep on moving

Never settling again.

11:41 pm, Christmas Eve eve

I blocked the most toxic person in my life