Sitting Beneath The Trees

Sitting beneath the trees

Trying to understand.

Timidly taking my first steps

Into the life I couldn't imagine.

Anxiety about the future.

Never sure just what is in store.

Yearning to keep on moving

Never settling again.

12:00 am

Today marks my third month since starting estrogen and declaring war on my testosterone levels. It has been wild. I've come out to my family, I'm planning my future, and I am learning about myself. Each day I face new challenges but I also get to see my body change a little bit more towards who I really am. There have been a lot of downs but also moments of such pure joy, I can't even imagine going back. When I wake up I'll be heading to my doctor to check my levels and determine my next steps. There is a lot left doing and my journey is only beginning. Still have to navigate educating my family, walk them through who I am and what's coming, but they love me, and they aren't going to leave me (at least the ones I care about)

I'm all smiles right now, and can't wait to see what comes next :)

So far so good.

Only two days in to the hormones

And I can't stop smiling.

I have fought myself for so long;

Hated myselt

For not being as I am born.

Condemned myself for being so evil

And now

Blessed of heaven.

I am happy to finally be on the road.

I am eager to see how my body develops.

I have been dreaming of this for so long;

All I care about

Is being who I truly am.

I am just happy.

The old thoughts of fear keep trying to steal in

But I just can't stop smiling.

Damn it

My spirit is joyed beyond words!

I am more than eager;

This is what I have dreamed of.

I want to be loved.

Maybe this is a weak statement

But I can't help it.

I have never been touched.

Desired for my soul.

No one wanted me

But then again

I could never love myself.

For all my ego

For all my worship at the alter of myself

I still could not understand

How someone could want me.

I was a lie

And didn't even know it.

A lost little child

So repressed

I couldn't even see my own reflection.

Now I am trying to get back to me;

The honest self

Free from every last goddamn thing.

Just me

That little girl

Who never had a chance

To dress up pretty

Or just be herself.

I want more than what I have been given;

More than what I have allowed myself.

A long road walk

But I am here when it is done.

So I leave

And breathe

Put on make-up and get dressed up.

Make my day to day worth living

And in so doing

Figure out

What life's about.

So love me

Hate me

Fuck me

Ignore me.

I can't make sense of anything;

I'm making it all up

As I go.

Exist

As I want to exist.

All we have are ourselves.

Are you really going to listen to me?

Today is the last day I am a boy.

Tomorrow I start my hormone replacement therapy,

And will finally become who I want to be.

It has been hard getting here.

Strange

Confusing

And often terrifying.

Yet still I come to my destination

Anxious only in my fear of making decisions.

I am defining my future days.

Declaring a life for myself.

I am done with living in limbo

Afraid of crystalizing possibilities.

I am done with the shadows of life

Wanting more for myself than eternal waiting.

I will.

This is all there is.

I am Ananna

Fierce and terrible

Radiant dawn.

I want to be held.

To feel warm and safe and content.

Someone who will run there fingers along my face

And gaze into my eyes.

I want someone to make me feel real

Not just some embodied ghost.