So Far So Good.

So far so good.

Only two days in to the hormones

And I can't stop smiling.

I have fought myself for so long;

Hated myselt

For not being as I am born.

Condemned myself for being so evil

And now

Blessed of heaven.

I am happy to finally be on the road.

I am eager to see how my body develops.

I have been dreaming of this for so long;

All I care about

Is being who I truly am.

I am just happy.

The old thoughts of fear keep trying to steal in

But I just can't stop smiling.

Damn it

My spirit is joyed beyond words!

I am more than eager;

This is what I have dreamed of.

Its been a minute.

Don't really know how to describe it all.

The changes

The hopes

The tears and the fears.

Each day I read about death

And wonder at my own demise.

I long for life

But do not always know how to touch it.

I do what I can in the moment

In order to keep on living.

.

I am loved.

This much I know.

I have been supported from those who mean the world

And in this I find strength.

I still lack understanding

Or the courage to seek love

But I am here

Alive

And knowing one way or another

I am going to make it over this horizon.

.

There have been ups and downs.

Answered prayers and rage.

The world spins on

And nothing truly changes.

I dream of better futures.

Plan for world's unknown.

My ambition touches stars

And everyone's faces touch my own.

I love because I know it is beautiful.

I keep on fighting because that is all there is to do.

I want more

I need more

I hunger and seek my nourishment.

A life of fear is no excuse to keep on running.

I deserve that happiness I have always been deprived.

.

Life is complicated.

Basic drives

But the pathways there

Myriad and winding.

I will keep on going forward

And learn to appreciate

My own innate beauty.

Reveling in my own beauty;

Feeling myself;

Vibing to my own music.

There is an interesting contentment I am feeling.

A serenity I honestly can't recall.

Eons since I last felt this good in my own skin.

I have been a stranger to my soul

But here and now

I feel close to it.

I want to be loved.

Maybe this is a weak statement

But I can't help it.

I have never been touched.

Desired for my soul.

No one wanted me

But then again

I could never love myself.

For all my ego

For all my worship at the alter of myself

I still could not understand

How someone could want me.

I was a lie

And didn't even know it.

A lost little child

So repressed

I couldn't even see my own reflection.

Now I am trying to get back to me;

The honest self

Free from every last goddamn thing.

Just me

That little girl

Who never had a chance

To dress up pretty

Or just be herself.

I want more than what I have been given;

More than what I have allowed myself.

A long road walk

But I am here when it is done.

So I leave

And breathe

Put on make-up and get dressed up.

Make my day to day worth living

And in so doing

Figure out

What life's about.

So love me

Hate me

Fuck me

Ignore me.

I can't make sense of anything;

I'm making it all up

As I go.

Exist

As I want to exist.

All we have are ourselves.

Are you really going to listen to me?

What is the weirdest compliment someone has ever given you?

Hmmmm 🤔 when I was younger a lady at my church came up to me, and began to describe how much like Jesus my spirit felt, and then asked if I would pretend to be Jesus for the little kids as to give them a physical representation of Christ

Sitting beneath the trees

Trying to understand.

Timidly taking my first steps

Into the life I couldn't imagine.

Anxiety about the future.

Never sure just what is in store.

Yearning to keep on moving

Never settling again.