This Has Been One Hell Of A Year.

This has been one hell of a year.

Began with a meltdown,

Achieved some self awareness,

Accepted the truth of myself

Got into therapy

Worked on saving my own mind and soul

Started hormones

Started growing breasts

Cut out toxicity

And found myself again and again

Even now

In the final hour.

I have changed.

The world has turned

It's destination I cannot truly see.

Living day to day

Amazed by the wonder I see in it now.

I want to be loved.

Maybe this is a weak statement

But I can't help it.

I have never been touched.

Desired for my soul.

No one wanted me

But then again

I could never love myself.

For all my ego

For all my worship at the alter of myself

I still could not understand

How someone could want me.

I was a lie

And didn't even know it.

A lost little child

So repressed

I couldn't even see my own reflection.

Now I am trying to get back to me;

The honest self

Free from every last goddamn thing.

Just me

That little girl

Who never had a chance

To dress up pretty

Or just be herself.

I want more than what I have been given;

More than what I have allowed myself.

A long road walk

But I am here when it is done.

So I leave

And breathe

Put on make-up and get dressed up.

Make my day to day worth living

And in so doing

Figure out

What life's about.

So love me

Hate me

Fuck me

Ignore me.

I can't make sense of anything;

I'm making it all up

As I go.

Exist

As I want to exist.

All we have are ourselves.

Are you really going to listen to me?

Suppose I should be honored that #staff thought my budding supple bosom was worthy of being flagged 😂

11:41 pm, Christmas Eve eve

I blocked the most toxic person in my life

So far so good.

Only two days in to the hormones

And I can't stop smiling.

I have fought myself for so long;

Hated myselt

For not being as I am born.

Condemned myself for being so evil

And now

Blessed of heaven.

I am happy to finally be on the road.

I am eager to see how my body develops.

I have been dreaming of this for so long;

All I care about

Is being who I truly am.

I am just happy.

The old thoughts of fear keep trying to steal in

But I just can't stop smiling.

Damn it

My spirit is joyed beyond words!

I am more than eager;

This is what I have dreamed of.