This Is A Mess Read At Your Own Risk - Tumblr Posts

i have dealt with a lot of grief, already, throughout my not very long life and yet i remain surprised by all of the different shades of it i still find myself experiencing for the first time.

processing the final members leaving today feels like a large, deep bruise i was ignoring but can no longer pretend isn't there, so purple it's almost black.

i wasn't expecting this level of emptiness? how it already feels like a long, dark corridor in a once full house that should give back an answer when you shout and yet only your own voice echoes between the doors.

maybe that sounds melodramatic, i know i don't know these people irl but i know other army get it when i say the amount of comfort bts provide as this steady, background hum in the trudge of daily life cannot be understated. just knowing they're out there, existing, together, maybe making more amazing music, pursuing their own forms of existential happiness is really grounding. it's inspiring. those are my long distance besties, i don't give a parasocial fuck.

so in contrast, knowing they have been fully removed from that individual pursuit, forced into a mandatory conscription to appease a government who they don't personally seem to agree with and who also would happily expend them for it's own gain feels like thorns. like knives. like an unwanted reminder of our helplessness in the knowledge that even the best and brightest of us are not exempt from the bullshit powers that be's whims while they look at all of us like pawns on a chessboard. low value and consumable.

for me right now, it's honestly just boiling down not to the fact that they're gone necessarily, if they were on a vacation of their own choosing, i would happily wait however long, but that they've been forced to leave. you can for sure keep any tirade of "it's an honor to serve, they always planned to do so, blah blah blah" to yourself too because their intrisinc loyalty and integrity does not make the system as a whole less fucked up.

bc mandatory military enlistment is fucked up. the military industrial complex is FUCKED UP. if you are sad today but also not a little bit angry at the system that has gotten us here, and i'm talking look past the blue house, the color you're searching for is white, i hope you can find a little bit of space at some point for some healthy indignation.

tweet. (not me, i just like and agree with it)

it feels better than grief and sure as hell mobilizes better, but per usual, i digress.

the grief is still insistent.

i cried when jimin took off his beanie in that live this morning. he had already said he didn't want to show us and yet the comments were full of people demanding he do so. ultimately the decision was his and i respect what he chose. i also hope he found some comfort in the flood of comments calling him cute and beautiful but it still broke my heart knowing what hair to someone like him (self expressed gender fluid, likely queer), how much of your identity can be wrapped up in it, probably meant. how it probably feels representative of this larger thing he is not eager to do as a whole.

hell, the idea of namjoon having to pick up a gun and point it at a person shaped target, edges not eroded but sharp and distinct, breaks my fucking heart.

i could go on for each of them individually tbh but i don't want to add to anything you may have not already considered, we don't all have to be victims to my imagination here.

i just need the world to not blow up between now and 2025. i'm begging. or even after that, really. what if we lived a few years in precedented times? is that even possible at this stage?

is this our monkey's paw? you get to live at the same time as bts but you're also gonna experience the (deserved, burn it down) collapse of the colonial empire? good luck!

i don't even know how to end this, i just needed to get some of it out. my biggest comfort in all of this right now is knowing there are people taking this just as well as i am at least. and by well i mean not very well at all, obviously lol. misery does love company, it's true. but i think because much like seokjin's views on embarrassment, it's easier to bear when shared.

and yet, please just step over my sad, fetal position body till i can get it together. i'm gonna need a moment, or ten. go on, i'll catch up.