The Wolf Muses - Tumblr Posts

When you’re listening to your roommate talk to her boyfriend and sharing everything with him and it truly hits you for the first time how long it’s been since you’ve actually like. Opened up. Completely. To someone. With such ease. But at the same time it’s been so long you don’t even feel a pang from the loneliness that comes with this realisation, so the mild ache in your heart is actually more from the fact you don’t feel anything than because you feel something. Guess it’s gonna be a kinda melancholic night haha

Unfortunately, this is very painfully true. Social conditioning is a very scary thing, and very difficult to undo from within yourself.

the thing about being someone who’s never catcalled is that you start to wonder why like is it because im ugly???

and then you realize that youre judging your worth by whether or not you are objectifiable to a man and thats so fucked up like honestly its so fucked up 

but the worst part about the patriarchy is that it still sits at the back of your mind regardless like “nobody thinks youre pretty because they dont see you as a sex object” like somehow thats a desirable thing and it fucks me up

When only does it become appropriate

To confront your friends about the fact both parties know they’re trying to set you up and wiggling their eyebrows behind you, but actually not really, you don’t really know that for sure, but you also kinda do, and the guy really is cute, and you do and would freely (depending on who you’re talking to, anyway) admit you like him and kinda have a thing for him, but also know for a fact you don’t actually want to be with this guy? Also when did my life become such a fking drama shithole?

The Thing TM

Which you would get if you read the tags in the last post. Otherwise, scram, this is just a young adult finding somewhere to confide in. None of your business.

You’re still here? Of course you are. Curiosity killed the cat, but at least the cat died satisfied. Maybe. Idk. I’m just rambling. Having said that, strap in, because this is gonna be an interesting ride.

I think I started developing crushes at the age of 13. Crushes, infatuation, obsession, friend crush (look it up on Urban Dictionary), what have you. And honestly, as a growing, hormone-fueled teenager, I don’t think I ever found out the difference between all that. Hell, even now I’m still stumbling and bumbling, and I’m technically not a teenager anymore (time and tide can’t convince me to grow up on the inside if I don’t wanna).

The thing about my......infatuations -- to use the most accurate term -- was that I move on fast. You know the kids who liked the same guy all throughout high school or whatnot? Yeah, so not me. Some were fleeting, lasted maybe a month or two. The longest was probably half a year or so. Not the most loyal there, but hey, I had no obligations to be. I ain’t committed to anything.

Second thing you should know about me though, and this may be a little different in tone from the rest of this text, is that I personally believe my “loving mechanism”, as I called it for laziness to find a better word, is, at best, defective. It’s a funny notion, really, seeing as I have no problem feeling compassion, no problem sympathising and/or empathising, no problem acting and almost feeling human. But yeah, I think I really only started healing and learning to love, to start putting my heart into emotions, around the age of, maybe 16? And I assure you, it was not a steep incline. It was a leisurely stroll up a vaguely ascending slope, so to reach the end I still have some ways to go.

Sometimes, it gets tiring to feel and to love, y’know? And you know how a lot of love songs and whatnot like to sing about preferring to love than feel nothing at all (looking at you, Need You Now by Lady Antebellum)? Yeah, again, not me. I very much rather move on.

If there’s one thing I’m good at, though, it’s hurting. I’ve gotten very good at feeling it, dealing with it and moving on, in the two decades of my existence. Scarily good.

(Sometimes, I think I don’t move on not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to stop basking in the familiarity of hurt. For that brief masochistic moment, I feel.)

Great, now that we’ve gotten the dark bit out of the way, let’s get to the gossipy bit! So I’ve just broken off a relationship last month, and while I’ve moved on, I’m still a little hung up over it, and it is precisely because of how fked up my emotions and shit work.

Long story short, I was dating this guy who......while an okay guy, really is not my type, and definitely does not share similar ideologies with me. (Oh god, it feels so good to be able to be so blatantly honest here. There is literally zero person I can be completely, unbiasedly honest to about this at the moment, and it’s just sad. But I digress.) I was foolish (at the age of 19, hah! This is precisely why age shouldn’t be an indicator of maturity) and maybe a little too desperate in wanting a relationship at that time, more than I’d like to admit.

(My best friend saw right through it, y’know. She’s always been wise, in her own, sweet, naive and 100% not innocent way.)

I’m not proud of it. But in many ways, it is part of the reason why I still feel so hooked up over the relationship, even though at the moment we are in that awkward breakup stage of awkward avoidance, the one I’d dreaded, and I’d rather just forget any of this happened. I don’t want to think about it, but it is a constant feather sitting on my conscience. Not heavy enough to weigh it down, but with just enough substance to constantly remind me it exists and thus, annoy me to no end.

But now I have a different -- though admittedly a lot more lighthearted and happier -- problem to deal with. So there’s this guy (again, why does it always start with this sentence lmao). I’ve spent a good chunk of summer with him, bonding over kitchen times, Brooklyn 99, Last Week Tonight and mutual paper-thin tolerance for our then-flatmates’ less than satisfactory cleanliness with regards to the communal areas. (Also an almost unbelievable amount of cuddling and meme sharing (on my part), but eh that was much much later so it probably contributed less.) He is adorable (sometimes almost unbearably so) and just the right combination of all the things that always left me excited for him to come back from work every evening (my moron of a subconscious does not relinquish the opportunity to tease me about it, especially whenever I take it upon myself to prepare him dinner before he gets back). Suffice to say, like clockwork, I’ve developed a crush......again.

The only difference is, this time, it is a crush that happens after an actual, honest-to-god relationship. It may not have been one that worked out (well), but it was one nonetheless, and I did enjoy it while it lasted. Which meant I have essentially gotten the longing of a relationship out of my system, and can finally look at this through a slightly more objective lens.

So I also know for a fact that I am in no way ready for, and neither do I want, a relationship. Not at the moment, and not for the foreseeable future.

Don’t get it wrong; this is not me shutting off the whole relationship thing. This is me finally recognising when I am not actually ready to commit to something this big. I don’t want it to end in hurt again. I can deal with it. But him......I don’t want to hurt someone else again.

There is another question, one that bugs me a little less than it should. I have had, in the past, one occasion where I have developed a crush that, to this day, leaves me very confused as to the nature behind it. While I do not deny the possibility that I may be bi, I think the more likely scenario is that I am straight (not as much as a rod, but still within the line, at least), but developed a kind of friend crush/crush combo on this one friend of mine (this was as I was getting to know her). Which then leads me to question what I feel for this current friend crush/crush of mine.

So where does that leave me? Very Confused And Also Very Don’t Give A Damn, that’s where. I’ve been developing a laxer and laxer attitude to this over the years, an attitude of just go with the flow, because in a way, I’ve come to recognise that my crushing tendencies are like the tide; it comes and it goes, and I have literally zero control over it. In fact, to try to control it only makes things worse.

So yeah, guess that just leaves me with venting on Tumblr, because what better place to howl my heart out and finally achieve inner peace? ;)

Till the next time, I guess.

The slipperiest slope of them all

Is the slope of “knowing you’re going down a slippery slope but can’t bring yourself to care”.

Look

I just want to nonchalantly like a guy for a few years, maybe have a wholesome, established friendship going on before I think of anything else. If that too much to ask for??

This just in......

As it turns out, yup, he is indeed not interested in me. Honestly, it's like I'm cursed to never get reciprocated interest lmao. It's great that I've figured out just yesterday that I'm happy to be his friend only, though. In a way, I know I'm not ready to start anew yet, and he's currently too precious to me to risk ruinning it over this. So it's all good. I should sort myself out first, and then I can worry about whether he might like me then.

......something to remember, perhaps. I have a lot of books to catch up on......and a room constantly in need of tidying.

my mom taught me the therapeutic power of cleaning. open all the windows. throw out the old. wipe down the entire house. burn some incense. roast some coffee. then rest. that way the tears from last night don’t feel as heavy. 

Huh. If you go back far enough on English it really starts to remind me of German. Just a little.

please... if you’re going to attempt to speak in “old” english

THOU is the subject (Thou art…) THEE is the object (I look at thee) THY is for words beginning in a consonant (Thy dog) THINE is for words beginning in a vowel (Thine eyes)

this has been a psa

......maybe I should, too.

The Cityscape Project - Part 1

a.k.a. my therapist told me to leave my house for 30 minutes every day, so I’m playing Pokémon Go and channeling my inner Max Caulfield

This is giving me the sudden urge to raise garden snails

more things i’ve discovered after 2 years of raising garden snails:

- they will wiggle their eye stalks in excitement - they have favorite places to sleep and favorite friends to sleep with - they’re good for your skin so let them run around on ur face!!! - they can feel their shells, which means they can feel u pet them (pet gently!!) - u can help a snail with a broken shell by giving it eggshells or cuttlebones to scrape (the calcium helps them patch up!) - they like a change of scenery and will explore all day if u change something - absolute cuddle bugs. love to snuggle with u, with friends, with dirt - u can hear them chew!! listen closely when u feed them….. asmr - as distinct as snowflakes, every single one is different!! i can tell all of my snails apart easily - babies. absolute baby children - speaking of babies, baby garden snails are no bigger than raindrops and translucent… delicate!! keep in a separate enclosure until they’re bigger!! baby jail!!! - some snails are shy……… kiss them. they are important