... Of All Things To Wake Up To Today. - Tumblr Posts

So.

Things are gonna be quiet here for a lot longer than anticipated, and I am sorry for that. Well... It's better for me to get it out of the way quickly.

One of my dogs passed away this morning.

At the time I'm writing this it's been at least a couple of hours since I found her. I would have been... Not prepared, per say, if it was my eldest dog, because frankly who the heck is ever prepared for the death of their pet, no one ever is. But I wouldn't have been surprised, she's an old but good girl and I'm terrified every day I'm going to wake up and see her gone, but it wouldn't have been a surprise.

It being one of my youngest to go first was a surprise. And definitely not a good one to wake up to when you are just trying to go to sleep.

...

Her name was Crystal. She was a soft good girl, quiet and with the fur the color of ivory and gold. She was really gentle and affectionate, every time I was home she'd immediately come bounding over, tripping over her own paws to pat at my legs for pets and hugs and kisses. She has an elder sister which has the fur opposite to hers and is incredibly hyperactive but just as sweet, but I've been raising them both since they were pups with my eldest dog as their resigned surrogate mom and a stray I was raising at the time as their brother.

She was such, such a gentle and kind girl. And I... I don't even have any words, she was alright yesterday you know? The rest of this week in fact, running around, barking and playing and cuddling with her sister while my eldest watched on because she has no patience for puppies but Lord willing she'll let fights break out and I had to hold their brother back because he's too big and he'd bowl them both over and I was still trying to teach him how to not accidentally crush them because he's a silly but good boy and I just... Can't process this right now. I just can't. I don't know why or how she passed away and it just... Hurts, I'm numb and I'm empty and I'm so, so, so darn tired I wish I could just tear the pain out of my heart but unfortunately if I tried I'd just find a useless organ that is used to pump blood onto my body so it has oxygen to continue working. Grief is always such a clawing, biting, gritting, cutting thing and it destroys anyone from the inside out and I'm tired of it, I wish I didn't have to mourn again and that she was still here but well, the thing about wishes is that they don't come true.

... But that's not important right now. I'll always, always miss her. I loved you so, so much Crystal, still do. Probably always will though we've barely spent a full year together. I hope you know that, that you're happy wherever you are now and hopefully not in anymore pain, and that you won't worry about your useless owner. I'll make sure to watch over your sister and everyone as best as I can, so just rest in peace okay? Wherever she is, I hope she doesn't worry about me.

(I'd give you guys a picture of her, but she was also my mom's since she helped take care of her and she's... Well, devasted is too soft to put it. Out of respect to her wishes I won't be putting it here.)

... I might go silent here for a while due to this. I know I was going to post a lot more Linktober stuff I didn't yet because I hate to leave stuff incomplete, among other stuff and projects and asks I've been working on. And for those who have read and liked my writing I'm sorry I won't be able to post anything any time soon, and for the unanswered asks in my inbox, I was getting to them in between essays and well. This happened. I... Need to take some time for myself, and to keep an eye on my dogs and on my mom too to make sure they're going to be okay. I'll probably be writing and rewriting a lot in the meantime, writing was and always will be one of the better ways I coped and it's the only way I really can get this out of my system since somehow I doubt I'll have the proper space and time to properly grieve. Hopefully I'll be back soon and until then my apologies, hope you all can be patient with me until then.

Till next time guys. And thank you everyone who liked any of my writing until now.