Hate Myself - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

You are not making any fucking sense. Just shut up.

Isolation. That's all I ask for. A new life. A new chapter. A new beginning. It happened so often in the beginning of my life, why the fuck did it stop now when I need change the most?

Slowly people are seeing me for who I really am. One by one I will lose them. And although it won't be the typical we-don't-speak-anymore kind of losing, no because we're adults, it'll be more like the relationships become more formal, more stiff. I'm happy for my friends for finding better people really. You deserve better, and my pathetic sorry ass shouldn't drag you down.

Being lonely sucks. But I shouldn't feel this way because God is always there for me. I swear I don't doubt God one bit and I know He is the only one I can depend on. But sometimes I need real life support. But that's useless because they're temporary. But I don't know how to do this. I fuck up so much, make so many mistakes, and REPEAT them a gazillion times. And some sins, I've gone waaay past the guilt stage that its become a necessity in my life. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do to change. But I don't have the will. For some reason going to hell isn't that frightening. I mean I know its an unimaginable punishment but honestly I can't bring myself to care. I never wanted to exist or be a part of this. I know no one did. But its so hard... It's so hard to live ... So hell doesn't sound so bad because living sucks anyways. This whole game sucks. Why did He make it so hard to be what He wants. I mean I know its only hard because I made it this way for myself. So I don't know... I don't know what to do to be honest...

Is it weird that I feel like complete shit every time someone yells at me? I mean I annoyed them it's only natural they have this reaction and I'd probably have the same reaction if someone annoyed me like that and I shouldn't be a sensitive bitch about it yet here I am feeling like completely worthless shit. It really puts me down. It's like a wake up call to make me remember that I'm an annoying useless little shit and I should seriously stop bothering people and stay out of their way as much as possible.

Yes I'm fake.

Every action, every word. I don't sincerely mean any of it.

I hate it when i let my guard down around you. Seriously don't get involved with me i can't stand people like you.

I'm so tired,

So fucking tired.

I want a reason to change

Because I can't change myself.

I loathe myself.

And refuse to treat it better.

I've never known to do anything,

But self destruct.

So give me a reason to change,

For the better.

Please!

Without hurting anyone in the process.

Sometimes I just sigh in relief that I don't get to be with the people that I badly want to be with because I think about the destructive trainwreck I am and I'm thankful they've been saved from me.

"I hate you".

Thanks I hate myself too.

"You're so fucking annoying".

Sorry I got carried away with my excitement.

"It's none of your god damn business".

Sorry I didn't mean to care.

"I wish you're gone".

Me too.

"You don't deserve any of this".

I know I don't and I'm always feeling guilty about having it.

"You're so dramatic".

I'm sorry that I'm tired of hiding my feelings but I'll make sure to hide them again.

"Shut up".

Don't worry, I hate it when I talk too and if i could control it, I wouldn't utter a word.

"You're so fucking dumb".

I know...

"You're fake".

Because the real me is much worse than the fake me.

"You're so fucking sensitive".

I try to keep it to myself but its so hard sometimes.

Curse me, pretty pls-

so currently i am reading insurgent (2nd book of divergent trilogy)... AND GUESS WHAT!! I GODAMN FUCKING GOOGLED WHETHER THE ENDING IS SATISFACTORY OR NOT AND FOUND OUT THAT TRIS DIED AND CHRISTINA GOESS OFF WITH TOBIAS!!

now i need to vent about it!!

(ok i am going to write a poem on the ending like i imagine)

But, like c'mmon!! Can y'all tell me? Is the ending worth it? WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING AWAY ANYMORE SPOILERS-

Edit: I actually like the ending... especially the epilogue

Guess who's silly girls club quiz answer keeps being correct and just cut both themselves and there hair