Damn Chill For Like A Second!! - Tumblr Posts
he makes no attempt to extinguish feyre's fire, letting her feel it in it's entirety, his face void of any lingering hurt. she has every right to feel this way, to be angry ... not only at this world, that has treated her so unfairly since she was born — but at him, too. ever since his return back to velaris, he can hardly stand to look at himself. his reflection is a beastly thing, shrouded by darkness & evil. everything he had to do to survive, staring right back at him. there isn't a second that goes by that he isn't second guessing every choice he's had to make in the last forty-nine years. sometimes, he can hardly tell where that mask ends & he truly begins, or if it were ever even a mask at all. ( perhaps he lost himself somewhere along the line. ) regardless, he knows she isn't wrong: what he'd done was cowardly, an attempt to save his court with little to no regard for the cost.
rhysand is unflinching as feyre's palms meet his desk, falling back into that act that he despises with such ease. he only stares at her hands blankly, unable to fight her any longer. to see her filled with such detest for him slowly eats away at any sense of self left that he still has. such a monster, to make his own mate hate him. it's only at the mention of other high lords, that some fire sparks back into his eyes, meeting hers. suddenly, he's standing, biting down on his words. " do not — for a second, compare me to him. " tamlin: who had done nothing to save her, who watched her die, who locked her away after she spent so long imprisoned just to save him. it twists his stomach into knots, his jaw clenching. " i am not locking you up, nor am i discarding you. i was giving you an out, before you said something you'd regret. you have always had choice in being here, bargain or not. "
i expected him to at least fight back — to throw some daggers back at me. or to laugh it off, mock the useless temper i had lost the reigns on. i felt my words pierce him, as if it were my own heart a jagged knife had just ripped into. i had hit him too hard and pushed him too far -- immediately realizing my mistake, as i watched his armor not just crack, but shatter completely. because of me — because of what i had said. the burning affliction in his eyes was enough to gut me, as i realized i was the scathing, ferocious monster that had just willfully torn him apart. i was the one who had stabbed those two fae in the heart as they begged for their lives and their loved ones wept nearby. none of it was true — i had not meant it, each sharp and pointed word meant more for me and the wild beast that lurked just under my hardened surface than rhysand. this time, he had been the easy prey.
my lips parted to speak — to apologize, and take it all back. i should have left, remove myself and avoid the boiling confrontation, like i had done with so many others. and i would have — but his attempt to dismiss me was so reminiscent of the disregard i had been consistently shown, it rekindled my dwindling fury. icy rage i had spent ages carefully burying. rhysand was not the real culprit — he was not the deserving target of my unleashed wrath, but turning my anger on him was almost too easy, after he had made himself the conduit before. i was so tired of being both coddled and ignored — tired and angry. my hands slammed down on the desk, as i stood up and leaned forward. “ you do not get to dismiss me. we are not under the mountain anymore. bargain or not, i am not at your beck and call. you cannot just shoo me away. i am not the one running from myself. is this what it means to be a high lord — do you all just discard someone the second they say something you don’t like? ” i hated myself for my inability to stop — the way i lost any semblance of self control around him. “ then you really are a coward. ”