Hold Me Tight

hold me tight

→ cult! kanata shinkai x reader

↳ warnings: spoilers for meteor impact (?), mentions of cults and implications of abusive parents, a meltdown, nothing extreme happens but the future parts will contain yandere themes and unhealthier relationship dynamics.

↳ notes: 3.2k words. this takes place wayyy before the academy, tried to stay accurate to meteor impact, lmk if any warnings need to be added; ty keep in mind kanata is very much human just brainwashed; this is probably a prologue .. will edit this later

It was always just you and your mother.

That ended when you both suddenly moved far off from your hometown without so much as a word to anyone. Your mother swore up and down this would be the last time this would happen, that where you were going was a perfect paradise for the two of you to stay from now on.

And then, you were surrounded by too many people all at once when you had finally arrived; people clad in strange robes and wearing odd expressions. After a discussions between your mother and one of them, she was led away while you were held back from following after her by a gentle-looking woman who smiled at you far too falsely to soothe your cries and wails.

Upon entering this place grander than any house you had ever lived in, she was assigned as your guide.

From then on, Lorie never seemed to want to let you see your mother anymore after entering, always ushering you off to the morning sessions or to complete your daily chores when you were idle enough to request such things like visits or ask when you’d see her again.

You complied with her demands even if you wondered what she was doing without you around; you hoped she wasn’t lonely at least.

But as a child, you could only do what these people told you to. You were given to eat along with the other children your age after your prayers had been said, and it was never freezing inside nor did you have to be ready to leave at a moments notice during the night, so you didn’t mind it as much as you should have.

You figured you were happier here; warm with a full belly and more playmates than you knew what to do with.

Sometimes after supper had been served and devoured, your guide would come and tell you the stories of the god that came from the depths of the sea; how you were all here to protect him as the ones before him protected all of you in return, saving the people on this land devoted to him.

Just as the previous god did, and the one before, and so forth.

And so would the next.

“But… where is he?” You asked her one day, clutching onto her robes with curiosity glimmering in your eyes.

“If you offer your heart and your utmost care to him, he’ll be there for you when you need him most.”

… A pause.

“But if you’re lucky…” She paused for effect, a hopeful expression suddenly crossing her face. “—perhaps he will call on you for your help one day.” She patiently smoothed over the crinkled fabric when your hands ceased their grip; her smile as present as ever.

“And only then will you meet him. Do your best, okay?”

You nodded your head to her words, and she chided you to return to the devotees quarters along with the other children, figuring she had kept you from sleep long enough for tonight.

You bid her goodbye with a smile, and run off, much to her displeasure. You’d surely trip one of these days, maybe then you’d learn to listen to her warnings.

It wasn’t until some years had passed that you met that god she spoke of.

Your guide seemed overjoyed at the summons, all-too-eager to tug you away from your beloved companions and lower herself to your eye-level, speaking in a frenzied voice.

“You must be on your best behavior. He’s just your age, so you shouldn’t have any trouble getting along, just as you do with the others. Mind your tongue and stand up straight.” She continued to fuss over you, fixing your hair as quickly as she could while she lectured.

Knitting your brows together, you didn’t have a chance to clarify exactly who she meant, before two figures approached the both of you silently. Only then did it click that something was off, summons were never really good.

“They’re the best pick, I swear on it. They’re just what you’re looking for, can’t you tell? You won’t regret this.” She chattered away, but they didn’t seem to be listening to her words, instead starting to walk after glancing at you and giving you a curt nod.

She gave you a light push in their direction and you followed reluctantly after them, looking back at Lorie until you went down halls that stretched and twisted too far for you to see her outline as you walked with the two unfamiliar figures. You couldn’t tell their features due to the hoods obscuring their faces, which only proved to add to your nerves in flames.

They wore slightly different garments than all the guides you’d seen. The embroidery was far more symbolic and detailed, nothing you recognized at all, so you’d have to ask Lorie why that was once you returned. Swallowing down your questions at hand as best you could, you continued on.

Stairs leading downwards revealed an entirely different area in the foundation you had lived the past few years, and you soon reached a hall at the very far side of it.

The two had come to a halt before two large sleek doors, and you marveled at their size; golden carved handles placed in the middle and engravings splayed all over the wood surrounding them. Nothing like the simple ones up stairs, you noted. One pried them open, while the other motioned for you to go in and held the door open. Upon you entering, they took post and gave you a watchful stare as you turned your back on them.

Immediately you were greeted by large bamboo blinds obstructing your view of the middle of the room; a shadow of someone jolting up from what had to be a raised platform, their head previously turned had snapped around to stare straight ahead as if they could see through the blinds, peeking through the thin cracks.

The intensity of the stare made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, goosebumps rising on your arms as you threw a nervous look back at the two guards…? behind you.

“Open them.” The person behind the blinds spoke with a firm tone, but it didn’t seem directed at you, and someone stepped forward to part the blinds in half. Once seperated, you were able to finally see whom you had been taken here to meet.

On a cushioned platform raised to the height of your chest, stairs curled around it, laid a half-sitting up boy with long, vibrant blue hair. His green eyes bored into yours without relent, and filled you with an emotion you couldn’t quite identify aside from fear. The pit in your stomach grew, feeling put off by the large lavish room yet void of any other people aside from you, the strange boy, and the figures that had accompanied her you.

He raised a hand that beckoned you closer and you approached the stairs hesitantly, before he began to scramble towards you to meet you halfway; and only then did you realize the boy had been slightly shaking.

Not with fear, but… desperation. You could recognize it now, after spending your time in this religion; you had seen some often reflect his current state of being without being given guidance.

“What is your wish? What do you wish for?”

You froze.

“Tell me! What is it you want?” The boy repeated, his gaze remaining unchanged, and you got the feeling he was analyzing you for something you weren’t sure of. Your hand moved to grip at your light garbs, all the other children your age wore them, aside from the boy in front of you. Dressed ornately and more elaborate than anyone else you had seen in the institution, you got the feeling he resembled the portraits of the current god far too much for it to be a coincidence.

His hands dropped down to ball into small fists, knuckles turning white, the tense demeanor only served to further scare you; and you hurried to blurt something out.

“M-…Mother? I want my mother, to see her. That’s… That’s my wish.”

At your words, he shifted all of his attention to the remaining guard standing post. You weren’t even sure if he heard you, but the guard wasted no time at all to exit hasilty but not without direction. He remained taut like an arrow even afterwards, but he addressed you once more after the doors slammed shut resoundingly behind the guard.

“The devotee shall attain what is sought.”

It sounded as if it had been recited countless times before, but it made you feel a bit nauseous nonetheless. You asked for your mother, but you hadn’t seen her in so long, something felt odd. It was the only thing you could think of, suddenly face-to-face with the being that could pass judgement on you, or retribution on those that threatened the peace of those residing in the foundation.

Under his level gaze, you wringed your hands silently, not knowing what else to do.

You were only snapped out of your thoughts by the approaching footsteps of two people.

Your mother stared at the ground as she walked alongside the guard, wringing her hands just like you with a blank expression. The guard halted, and she raised her gaze upwards, settling on you both.

“Mom?” You climbed off the steps all too quickly, away from your god, carelessly made your way towards her with bubbling excitement and blind rushes of bursting happiness.

“Mom!” You immediately wrapped your arms against her upon nearing the two, pulling her into as tight of a hug you could manage. You weren’t sure what you had been so worried about earlier anymore, you couldn’t help the smile that bloomed over your face. She looked differently now, she had let her hair grow past her shoulders instead of cutting it like usual with dull scissors to avoid having it pulled; despite her nervousness, you thought she seemed less stressed than the last time you’d see her.

You felt so strongly such joy, your previously suppressed longing resurfaced suddenly, so strongly and threatened to overwhelm you as you were; you practically buzzed with content as you relished the feeling of holding your mother once more, her child could hardly contain their happiness much longer.

Yet, she never embraced you back.

She stood too still for you not to notice the lack of reciprocation after your head cleared, and you tilted your head up curiously to look at her once again, still caught up in your joy albeit calmer.

She stared at you right back with a sense of mute horror, and panic began to fill her widened eyes.

Your mother closed her eyes tightly for a moment, as if trying to endure the moment for just a little more, before she couldn’t take it anymore and shoved you off of her with a quick push. It was too rough for you to maintain your balence, and you fell backwards onto the smooth floor; letting out a pained grunt. The guards didn’t move an inch, but gave eachother a silent, knowing look.

She took two steps away from you, eyes trained on your fallen figure as she made no attempt to help you up.

Despite this, you ignored the stinging in your palms and reached your hands out to her again.

“Why…” She began, more steps away from you crumpled on the ground.

“Why did you call for me?”

Silence.

After a long beat,

“You look more and more like him—!”

You blinked. And furrowed your brows, trying to understand what you had done wrong. What happened? What was going on?

At your lack of response and her growing anger, your mother suddenly scowled and raised a hand upwards as if to strike you, and fear suddenly upsurged you once more. But before any painful contact could be made, she was suddenly restrained by the two guards; she struggled as best she could, her eyes not leaving you, as they began to drag her out of the room and down the halls. She yelled various things you couldn’t hear that well through the guard’s hand muffling it, but the tone was clearly soaked in resentment.

The doors slamming shut once again did little to reach you.

A lone trembling child remained on the floor, not any older than the one on the platform.

Tears began to slowly seep from your eyes quietly, trailing down your cheeks without end. And before you knew it, you began letting out small little sniffles that grew into choked off breaths, before you were fully sobbing by the end of it. The pain of your mother’s forced return stung your heart far too deep for you to remain composed, something you were always better at than the other children.

The boy’s clothes rustled as he pushed himself closed to the edge of his platform, but never stepping off it; his legs dangled over the edge and peeled out from plunder his long clothes, a red ribbon binding them together way past his ankles, like a mermaid’s tail. Not seeming to understand how things had gotten out of hand so quickly. Not seeming to understand why you were suddenly in pain, after he had granted your wish, puzzled by your sadness. A beat passed, before his trembling returned worse than before.

Panic was clear on his face, but you remained caught up in your grief until that fist came down onto the edge suddenly, snapping you out of your daze briefly with the loud bang. He beckoned for you to come closer once he had your attention on him, unmoving on his platform.

Your tear-filled eyes were roughly wiped by your still stinging palm, but you raised your head to nod. With unsteady legs, you pushed yourself back up and towards the set of stairs in front of him. At this, he pushed himself backwards into the cushions he had originally been resting on, sitting up to face you with his bound legs folded beside him.

Unsure of what to do, you took a seat in front of him. Heart still hurt, you only hated the fact you couldn’t run to Lorie right now.

You didn’t even know why you were away from her, you suddenly felt as lost as when you first arrived, just as helpless as back then.

Your god seemed extremely out of his element when faced with you in such close proximity, arms far too stiff and bent squarely to be useful in wrapping around you with an actual hug, but his limbs mimicked what he had seen you do to your mother; recalling how joyous you had been while performing the strange act. Without any understanding, he attempted to replicate the motion in order to hopefully pry that same emotion out of you once more.

“It is ‘okay’… No more…”

An unsure voice, but a clear attempt at consoling you.

That was all it took for you to crack again, far too sensitive to keep yourself somewhat calmed. With watery eyes, you held onto him tightly and crushingly, bawling loud and wounded cries until you could no longer find the tears to. His clothes had been long soaked by then, but he didn’t notice, or didn’t care enough to stop you.

When your fit had finally subsided, you found yourself feeling a bit better and… warm.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had cried so strongly, usually Lorie was adept at handling you before it could take a turn for the worst like just then. Letting go of ‘Kanata’, as you’d seen written and spoken various times by those higher in power than Lorie, always in deep and strict respect; you avoided looking at his face directly, only out of the corner of your eye. You couldn’t bare to see if he had the same expression your mother had.

“I’m sorry… A-And… Thank you.”

Shame suddenly overcame you, and you scooted backwards to put some inches of distance between you two.

He seemed dazed upon separation, not having moved as best he could during your breakdown. A small, faint smile appeared over his face for a reason he didn’t dwell on. Although he had never been embraced so, the warmth remained as if to taunt him that it had left his reach, but he managed to control his urges to repeat the action to squeeze more of it. The feeling ghosted over his body despite this.

Kanata had asked the two high-ranking officials for someone he could help after a string of failures, pleading for someone to grant a wish for, and they had obliged with uncertainty if it would worsen his condition or improve it.

If only to soothe his torment over failing to cure one of the children, and end his hysterics, lest they need to seclude him for a while in the empty water tank. A wish so sincerely given to him, becoming soured with his inexperience, had proved enough to warrant his desperate request.

Now in his reach was someone he could help, someone he had already helped now after his blunder. This new experience cemented his position as a capable god once more in his mind after being shaken so disastrously, finally able to breathe without tight panic gripping at him. One failure had managed to uproot him entirely, and left him unable to cope as a young god.

As you gave him a wobbly smile, drying tears still staining your cheeks, you kneeled down in front of him with your head lowered to the floor just as your guide had taught you repeatedly without fail, the very picture of sincere gratitude.

You were both alone in the room, but you sensed none of the hysteria he was nearly thrown into from him now.

He paid no mind to the doors reopening, unblinking eyes remaining fixed on you.

“Devotee, your time has ended.” announced one of the guards, while the other furrowed his brow at you positioned closely in front of the deity.

“Escort them to the quarters. If you’re needed again, you will be informed through your guide. Pay your respects accordingly and you’ll return in time.” The first one acted on the others orders and approached to seemingly drag you off the platform, but a raised palm from the silent Kanata stopped him in his tracks immediately.

You nodded in understanding and faced Kanata once again, bowing deeply before following the guard out into the hallway; escaping his burning stare. He watched you as you retreated, until you fell outside of his sight completely. The remaining official repeated your last actions before excusing himself, leaving Kanata in the room alone to himself.

His hand reached up to clutch at his face shakily, far too much on his mind now, yet thrumming beneath the surface of it all was the sense of pure satisfaction, undeniable and certain contentment. Frantic nearly-incomprehensible mumbles spilled from his lips, shaky words of a barely-used voice.

He would have to issue new orders soon. This would not be the last time you meet, if only to stabilize himself more. He didn’t understand why he felt so strongly that you both could not part ways, but he didn’t dare to question it. He would do better now, he was sure of it.

It had to be, he thought as he looked down at his trembling hand and hardened his determination.

If this was your effect, you would need to visit him again soon. Perhaps as soon as possible in time for the next ceremony with the purple-haired boys family.

Kanata had wished for someone he could help. And in return, he was granted you.

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