How To Write A (Healthy) Relationship: An Illustrated Guide.

How to Write a (Healthy) Relationship:  An Illustrated Guide.

@trappedinfairytales asked:

Hi! Let me start by saying this blog is a god send for more than just writing skills, I even turned on your notifications 😂 Anyway, I apologize if you’ve already done a post like this, but I was wondering if you could do a post with different kinds of healthy relationships? I feel like it would help, because even though I am a bi girl, I’ve never been in a relationship so sometimes I don’t know where to start 🙈 

@magnificentcollectiverebel asked:

Bro bro I’m trying to write a cute lil romance do you have any tips please I didn’t realize writing needs so much planning also thank you for all the tips on characters both of my love interests are girls the tips help

Excellent questions!  Healthy relationships, particularly ones involving queer people, are something I’m pretty sure we all could use. 

Now, there has been a request for me to make a post about LGBTQ characters, so I will talk more exclusively about queer relationships then; sufficed to say this post applies to all types of healthy relationships.  Though most of the examples I use are admittedly queer – you could say I’m BI-ased on the matter.  (I’ll see myself out.)  

In the meantime, here are my personal rules of thumb for writing a ship-worthy romance. 

1.  Allow opposites to attract (but do it right!)

No, I’m not talking about two characters who have no common ground or core values;  I’m talking about two characters whose traits compliment one another.  

Maybe one’s analytical and the other’s impulse driven.  Maybe one’s a happy ray of sunshine and the other’s a grump.  Maybe one’s an idealist and the other’s a realist.

Do you see pattern here?  Not only do these proposed pairings balance each other out, but their mutually beneficial to each other:  an impulse-driven character will add spontaneity to the life of their analytical partner, while the analytical character will keep the impulsive one from leaping off cliffs;  the happy ray of sunshine will brighten up the life of the grump, while the grump will keep the ray of sunshine aware of life’s problems;  the realist will keep the idealist weighted in reality while the idealist will help them to get off the ground.

Moreover, as each of them has something the other lacks and needs, it creates a natural magnetism between them.  

Just think of it like the old Greek myth, in which mankind was split in two by Zeus and each of them are searching for their other half to become their best selves.  

In terms of writing romance, pretend your two characters are two halves of a greater whole, and allow them to complete each other.

2.  Create chemistry and attraction (but remember that it does not immediately equal love.)

If I had to pinpoint the source of my frustration with the depictions of attraction in literature, particularly YA romantic novels, I would say it roughly narrows down to the fact that the attraction, as it’s depicted, is largely extremely vapid and hollow. 

Two characters that hate each other are not going to have true chemistry or be compatible for a long-term relationship, even if one of them is equipped with excessive depictions of eye-color and can smirk like a champ.

To create true chemistry, the readers have to crave the characters’ interactions;  they have to root for them to get together, not role their eyes when they finally do.

So how do you do this?  Well, first and foremost, there are different and better ways to convey attraction than the tried and true “cerulean orbs” and obnoxious smirks and whatnot.

First and foremost, save strong, sensual language, like “she leaned in close, and I tasted her breath on mine,” “My heart thudded painfully in my chest as I felt her body press against mine,” et cetera for when your characters are actually about to do the deed.  That way, your audience isn’t desensitized to it and are more likely to root for your characters when they finally shack up.

When your characters first meet, keep the language light and playful.  Unless you’re doing a modern, queer reenactment of Romeo and Juliet (which sounds pretty awesome, honestly – so long as the ending is happier) most people aren’t righting sonnets about people they first meet.

Let your POV character check out her prospective partner if you so desire, but press hold on the purple prose.  

For instance, instead of something like this:

“Long lashes fluttered like the wings of the butterfly over peridot orbs, a faint gold dusting over the graceful slope of her nose.  Red lips as ripe as strawberries glistened in the sun, and a waterfall of gilded hair fell over her slender shoulders.”

Try something more along the lines of this:    

“She had striking green eyes framed with long lashes, a smattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose.  Her hair was a thick mane of unkempt gold, and when she saw me, she smiled.  Her lips were plump and strawberry pink.”

If you’ll notice, both passages convey basically the same thing (i.e. that this narrator finds her prospective gal-pal attractive):  one is just significantly less pretentious than the other, and in my opinion, a lot more readable.

As the story continues, you’ll likely want to build up the tension as the character’s attraction to one another grows.  Maybe your character starts to get butterflies in their stomach whenever their love interest is around, or there’s a tension-filled moment where their skin brushes together.  Maybe they’ve found themselves constantly looking at one another’s lips and mouths.

(I talk some more about building sexual tension in this post here.)

Keep in mind while developing your characters’ chemistry into something greater that contrary to what most YA novels will teach you, attraction isn’t love.  Finding one another’s meatsuits aesthetically pleasing isn’t reasonable merit for a long-term commitment.  Love, generally speaking, is often just that:  it’s a commitment.  It takes time to cultivate, and it isn’t fun 100% of the time.  But people stick with it anyway, because ideally, the payoff is worth it.

And that’s a good thing.  As an author, you get to build up on your character’s relationship, challenge it, make it stronger.  And that’s a lot of fucking fun.  Plus, you get to write all the cute romantic shit in the times in between.

If you are implying love at first sight (which, sappy bitch I am, I’m a bit of a sucker for) feel free to imply as such, but I’m still inclined to think short, sweet descriptions work best:  “Their eyes met, and for a moment, Ishmael could have sworn the earth had come to a stop while the world kept moving.”  Or perhaps, “Luna looked at Misery for the first time, and knew right away this was the woman she was going to marry.” 

Now keep moving.  Too strong language too fast weighs your story down, keeps the reader from relating to it, and detracts from the satisfaction of when your characters finally end up together.     

3.  Let your characters’ relationship be built on friendship.  

The other day, I got lunch with my best friend and her new girlfriend.  A year or so ago, she’d gotten out of a really toxic relationship that she’d been in since I’d first known her.  

I’d thought she was happy (because at the time, I didn’t have anything else to compare it to) but seeing her with her new girl was like seeing the proverbial sunrise for the first time.  (Pardon the floral language.  Even I’m not totally exempt from purple prose.)

We laughed, we made jokes, we all checked out the hot waitress together.  Overall, it was just like spending time with two close friends – just, y’know.  They happened to be in a romantic relationship with each other.  And that, let me tell you, makes all the difference in the world.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again:  all the sexual attraction in the world will not make up for the lack of a strong basis of mutual respect, affection, and camaraderie.  

Sorry to burst your bubble, heterosexual authors of the mainstream publishing world:  even if they kiss in the rain till the cows come home, even if the music swells every time they make contact, even if it’s a love story for the ages, that means your characters actually have to be friends.

Queer authors, I find, tend to be a little more attune to this concept than their straight counterparts (perhaps because it’s in our nature to question preconceptions of what constitutes a healthy relationship) but it’s still good to keep this in mind when you’re writing your characters’ relationship.  

So ask yourself these questions:

Do your characters have any shared interests or hobbies?

Do they actively take interest in their partners’ hobbies?

Do they crack each other up, tell each other jokes?  Exchange playful jibes that aren’t pointed or hurtful?

Do they do the above more than they fight and bicker?

Would both your characters feel comfortable with their partner seeing them at their most comfortable (e.g. stuffing their faces with Nutella and watching bad reality shows)?

If so, would they join in?

If one partner feels hurt, neglected, or insecure, will the other partner take notice and attempt to comfort and reassure them?

Can they confide in each other?

Do they share the same goals, desires, and core values?

If you answered  ‘yes’ to most of these questions, congratulations:  your characters’ romance is more akin to Gomez and Morticia than most YA pairings today.  And believe me, that’s a good thing.

  4.  Make sure your characters are more or less equals.

She’s a ridiculously hot, intelligent, accomplished twenty-something.  He’s a an out-of-shape manchild in his thirties who makes lots of fart jokes and probably has a neck-beard.  

This pairing probably would raise quite a few eyebrows in real life, but it happens so much in movies and TV (particularly comedies) that no one even questions it.  Do I really need to remind you that the entertainment industry is largely male dominated?

Granted, I’m pretty sure you folks are both queer gals (like yours truly), so such a blaring example of male wish fulfillment is unlikely.  But it’s still good to remember that, one way or another, a ship-worthy pairing is probably going to be comprised of equals.

Okay, you get the picture.  It happens a lot.

This doesn’t always equate to characters being equal in conventional attractiveness:  movies such as Legally Blond and Hairspray, for example, both have adorable pairings featuring lovely plus-sized/chubby women and thinner, more conventionally attractive men.  Moreover, they don’t leave anything resembling the bad taste in my mouth that the aforementioned Manchild + Hot Girl trope does.  

Even the chubby, kindhearted hillbilly ending up with a much more conventionally sexy girl in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil didn’t particularly bother me (even though there were definitely some sexist tropes), especially considering the bad guy in the film was a quintessential privileged, entitled fuckboy with a white knight complex.   

But your characters will need to be more-or-less equals in terms of positive attributes.  Even if they differ significantly in conventional attractiveness or status, they’ll probably roughly even in out in terms of intelligence, good manners, kindness, conscientiousness, et cetera.  

It’s also best to avoid blaring power imbalances when writing healthy romances.  I’m inclined to avoid huge age differences (though there are instances where it can be healthy), and definitely avoid huge age differences where one of the characters is underage.    

Basically, if your pairing looks like they could belong in a Woody Allen movie, no dice.  (If you think I’m kidding, just look at his fifty-six-year-old self with a nineteen-year-old love interest in Husbands and Wives.)

Differences in wealth and status are also generally be okay, but be conscientious that they can easily become abusive if one person misuses their power (lookin’ at you, 50 Shades.)    

Last, and certainly not least, your characters will almost definitely need to be equals in terms of three-dimensionality.  No exceptions.    

Which brings me to my final point:

5.  Give your love interest purpose (outside of being a love interest.)

I’ve talked about this before, but why do you think there’s such a huge following for Kirk and Spock’s romance (besides that one episode where Spock gets super horny and the two of them role around in the sand for twenty minutes), when there are droves of female love interests for both?  

Why are Dean and Castiel AO3′s most popular pairing (besides their blaring sexual tension and the recurring prevalence of romantic tropes throughout their narrative, as well as the fact that both are based off of bisexual characters), when the following for their more canonically established relationships are practically nonexistent?  

What about Holmes and Watson (besides the blaring case of queerbaiting in the BBC version, and the fact that Doyle’s Sherlock really was extremely gay), or Steve Rogers and Bucky and Barnes (besides the fact that the writers somehow find the possibility of making Steve a Nazi less offensive than having him love a man)?   

Internalized misogyny and fetishization of MLM by straight women is definitely a factor.  But as an extremely bi gal myself who enjoys a lot of these male/male pairings, I’m inclined to think that it’s just plain easier to get behind a relationship when both parties are equals in complexity and charisma, rather than the conventionally attractive blank sheets of paper that unfortunately characterize most female love interests in popular media.  

It also works the other way: why do you think everyone hates Kara and Mon El’s romance so much? Because Kara is a wonderfully developed, benevolent character (surrounded with equally developed, benevolent characters who would work much better as love interests, I might add) and Mon El is a callous, entitled jerk who only wants to become a hero to woo his prospective girlfriend. 

This is also why heterosexual pairings with equally well-developed characters have no problem at all finding followings.  Just look at Han and Leia, Mulder and Scully, Booth and Bones, Monica and Chandler – both characters hold roughly an equal amount of weight in the narrative, so we give a fuck what happens to both of them. 

Healthy, well-balanced WLW romances with happy endings are difficult to find in media, but some of my favorite examples of ship-worthy pairings that fit this criteria are Korra and Asami from Legend of Korra, Willow and Kennedy from Buffy (even though I’ll never forgive them for what they did to Tara), Carol and Susan from Friends, and Alana and Margot from Hannibal.         

And of course, there’s these lovely ladies from Sense 8.

Bottom line is, make sure both your characters are important;  don’t follow the trend of meaningless, forced heterosexual romances in media in which one party could almost invariably be replaced with a sexy lamp or a dildo.

Make the love interest a hero in their own right, and the audience will root for them.

Best of luck, and happy writing!  <3 

Life of a fanfic reader through Mushu gifs

When an author says they are going to post on Thursday but it’s been three months:

When you try to decide between contacting the author anonymously or with your real username:

When you type a billion different asks and you don’t know what to say because you don’t want to annoy the author cause you love them so much and you want to be friends and for them to know you are their biggest fan and your grammar sucks and you don’t know if you sound loving or mean and–:

When you ask if the author if they are okay:

When the author responds that they are having a big case of writers block but–

(and you say that to be encouraging because you want them to know they can do anything cause they are super talented and you love them)

When someone posts a mean review or messages the author anonymously something rude:

When the author starts to post again:

When the author starts posting more than once a week:

When the author writes a very emotional chapter:

When you are just so proud of the author for getting through their writers block and for continuing to write and so happy they share their talents for free to the world and you get to go on the journey with them:

On The Edge (A Poem)

Musicals as John Mulaney

Hamilton: It’s like there’s a horse, loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay but I have no idea what’s going to happen next.

Phantom: Sing, goddamn it!

Les Mis: Shut up, you’re all gonna die! Street smarts!

Falsettos: Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be-

BBAJ: How are you better than a nazi?

Wicked: Aw, she’s ugly!

Be More Chill: I smell a robot!

Six: Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

Newsies: It’s like talking to someone who read a better newspaper, and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. It doesn’t have to be right, it just has to be short.

Spring Awakening: I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer.

The Book Of Mormon: Fucking what?

Rent: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.

Dear Evan Hansen: And I said no, you know, like a liar.

theatre kid culture

• wishing you could show your appreciation for the lights/sound/set people more

• only living to this day because of the stage manager

• alternatively, hating the stage manager with your entire soul yet are still overcome with the need to respect them

• having at least three water bottles, at least two of which are in the theater’s lost in found

• caring about the difference between “theater” and “theatre”

• every theatre company has the one kid that gets a big part every time and you WANT to hate them but you can’t because a) you’re in awe of their talent and b) they’re actually really nice??

• you can still name the first part you’ve ever played

• the number of shows you’ve been in eventually gets too high for you to remember

• every once in a while someone will pull up a cast photo from a few years back and the new casts will scream about their fetus selves and members that have since left

• there are so many cast group chats that you’ve not only lost track, they’ve all blurrred together in your mind

• there’s that one kid that everyone wants to be friends with but no one thinks they’re cool enough to be friends with (they’re also probably the directors favorite)

• somehow the gays always group together

• there’s always that one kid who no one really likes and is not very good but somehow is always in every show

• you get a t t a c k ed daily by your friends in rehearsal

• getting the script one page at a time when you’re working with an original piece

• you have a list of dream roles and know all the lyrics and all of the lines

• if you do more musical theatre you fantasize about doing straight plays but never actually do them

• the music director always gives the note “diction”

• everyone has memories of that horrible show two years ago and no one can bring it up without tears, panic attacks, screaming, and possibly fire

• there’s always one song where no one knows the lyrics but they somehow manage to pull it together the day before the show opens

• “i can’t hear the lower harmony part”

• speaking of harmonies, the rehearsal where you learn them sounds great but the next time you try it it’s actual trash

• you always judge the person who had the libretto before you, especially if they didn’t erase anything or if (god forbid) they use highlighter

• you also feel like you get to know the person who had the libretto before you, know which part they had, how they remembered their notes, etc you just have your own version of them in your head

• you would sell your soul to go to nyc and see a show

• you’re passing/passed american history because we ALL went through a hamilton phase

• you have a personal grudge against stephen sondheim

• but you’re also in love with stephen sondheim

• you’ve already written your tony acceptance speech

• you’ve had secret theatre crushes

• you’ve bonded with cast mates about past secret theatre crushes

• you’ve witnessed at least two people coming out

• you either know EXACTLY how a show will he cast or you have no idea

• you never include yourself in mock cast lists even if you KNOW you’re gonna get the part because you don’t want to look concieted

• you have strong opinions on the tonys every year

• you’ve considered nominating your theatre teacher/director for theatre teacher of the year

• wanting to go to theatre college but knowing you’d never get in (but still hoping)

• you’ve watched every season of Glee but would never admit it

• you identify with Rachel Berry at least a little bit

• you’ve watched all of your favorite broadway stars’ late night interviews on youtube

• you get obsessed with a new musical every week

• you wish you had satalite radio so that you could listen to the broadway station

• you’ve considered becoming a dramaturge

• when you go to see a show you always look at the ensemble rather than the leads

• you pick out a favorite ensemble member

• you’ve dipped your toes into broadway fanfiction but decided it was too weird

• you get emotional when an actor announces the end of their run and when a show closes

• you would pay money to get playbills

• you’re subscribed to backstage magazine

• you never know any popular music because you’re always listening to musicals

• you want to direct but know you don’t have thr balls

• you would give ANYTHING to sit and listen to the director/music director/choreographer/others during the audition process

• getting a callback is the most satisfying feeling in the world

• trying to get one on one time with the dance captian, but so is everyone else

• your parents can always tell when you’re not feeling well because “you’re not singing along”

• when you get sick becoming the most dramatic person in the world like “i’m never going to sing again” and “my entire broadway career is over”

• missing rehearsals and desperately trying to catch up

• rather than having a stash of porn you have a stash of bootlegs

• bootlegs are your only lifeline

• waiting for the cast list is a nightmare

• “sats??? i’ve got monologues to memorize”

• your kink is re-enacting the loft scene from spring awakening

• you have a show that you desperately want to do with your company that you know they’ll never put on

• there was at least one show where you know you should’ve gotten a part that you didn’t get and you’re still salty

• there’s one part that you played that NO ONE is allowed to talk about

• there’s also one secret theatre crush that you had that NO ONE is allowed to talk about

• you and the director sometimes are besties and sometimes they hate you and there is SO much in-between

• the choreography is TOO HARD and there is only one or two people who actually know it

• tea

• having so much anxiety about missing rehearsal

• not being called to a rehearsal and not knowing what to do with the free time

• t e c h w e e k

• bad memes about tech week. so many bad memes

• “tech week? more like i’ve forgotten what a shower is”

• asking for extensions on all tests/projects/homework

• just. not talking.

• the director is in a perpetual Bad Mood

• sleep? who IS she

• someone isn’t off book yet

• so many snacks

• one person brings dairy and everyone screams

• late night conversation about mental health (no one in theatre is mentally healthy)

• and then actually doing the show after what feels like years of rehearsal and knowing that the audience loves it

• there is NO feeling like the when the audience is laughing at something you did

• or, alternitavly, crying

• getting to curtain call and feeling the adrenaline coursing through your veins

• after the last show laughing with all of your castmates and friends because you’re so tired and happy that it’s over, but also crying because it’s OVER and you’re never going to perform it again

• going to the cast party and half the people still have their hair and makeup on and everyone is crying a little

• the cast gc blows up for days after the show is over and everyone talks about cast reunions and stuff and then after about two weeks it goes radio silent

• and then auditions start again and the whole process restarts

• you know that you’d never give up being a theatre kid because the theatre is your second family and you love it more than anything

emmett’s little “the room just got colder” in chip on my shoulder reblog if u agree