Musicals As John Mulaney

Musicals as John Mulaney

Hamilton: It’s like there’s a horse, loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay but I have no idea what’s going to happen next.

Phantom: Sing, goddamn it!

Les Mis: Shut up, you’re all gonna die! Street smarts!

Falsettos: Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be-

BBAJ: How are you better than a nazi?

Wicked: Aw, she’s ugly!

Be More Chill: I smell a robot!

Six: Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

Newsies: It’s like talking to someone who read a better newspaper, and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. It doesn’t have to be right, it just has to be short.

Spring Awakening: I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer.

The Book Of Mormon: Fucking what?

Rent: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.

Dear Evan Hansen: And I said no, you know, like a liar.

theatre kid culture

• wishing you could show your appreciation for the lights/sound/set people more

• only living to this day because of the stage manager

• alternatively, hating the stage manager with your entire soul yet are still overcome with the need to respect them

• having at least three water bottles, at least two of which are in the theater’s lost in found

• caring about the difference between “theater” and “theatre”

• every theatre company has the one kid that gets a big part every time and you WANT to hate them but you can’t because a) you’re in awe of their talent and b) they’re actually really nice??

• you can still name the first part you’ve ever played

• the number of shows you’ve been in eventually gets too high for you to remember

• every once in a while someone will pull up a cast photo from a few years back and the new casts will scream about their fetus selves and members that have since left

• there are so many cast group chats that you’ve not only lost track, they’ve all blurrred together in your mind

• there’s that one kid that everyone wants to be friends with but no one thinks they’re cool enough to be friends with (they’re also probably the directors favorite)

• somehow the gays always group together

• there’s always that one kid who no one really likes and is not very good but somehow is always in every show

• you get a t t a c k ed daily by your friends in rehearsal

• getting the script one page at a time when you’re working with an original piece

• you have a list of dream roles and know all the lyrics and all of the lines

• if you do more musical theatre you fantasize about doing straight plays but never actually do them

• the music director always gives the note “diction”

• everyone has memories of that horrible show two years ago and no one can bring it up without tears, panic attacks, screaming, and possibly fire

• there’s always one song where no one knows the lyrics but they somehow manage to pull it together the day before the show opens

• “i can’t hear the lower harmony part”

• speaking of harmonies, the rehearsal where you learn them sounds great but the next time you try it it’s actual trash

• you always judge the person who had the libretto before you, especially if they didn’t erase anything or if (god forbid) they use highlighter

• you also feel like you get to know the person who had the libretto before you, know which part they had, how they remembered their notes, etc you just have your own version of them in your head

• you would sell your soul to go to nyc and see a show

• you’re passing/passed american history because we ALL went through a hamilton phase

• you have a personal grudge against stephen sondheim

• but you’re also in love with stephen sondheim

• you’ve already written your tony acceptance speech

• you’ve had secret theatre crushes

• you’ve bonded with cast mates about past secret theatre crushes

• you’ve witnessed at least two people coming out

• you either know EXACTLY how a show will he cast or you have no idea

• you never include yourself in mock cast lists even if you KNOW you’re gonna get the part because you don’t want to look concieted

• you have strong opinions on the tonys every year

• you’ve considered nominating your theatre teacher/director for theatre teacher of the year

• wanting to go to theatre college but knowing you’d never get in (but still hoping)

• you’ve watched every season of Glee but would never admit it

• you identify with Rachel Berry at least a little bit

• you’ve watched all of your favorite broadway stars’ late night interviews on youtube

• you get obsessed with a new musical every week

• you wish you had satalite radio so that you could listen to the broadway station

• you’ve considered becoming a dramaturge

• when you go to see a show you always look at the ensemble rather than the leads

• you pick out a favorite ensemble member

• you’ve dipped your toes into broadway fanfiction but decided it was too weird

• you get emotional when an actor announces the end of their run and when a show closes

• you would pay money to get playbills

• you’re subscribed to backstage magazine

• you never know any popular music because you’re always listening to musicals

• you want to direct but know you don’t have thr balls

• you would give ANYTHING to sit and listen to the director/music director/choreographer/others during the audition process

• getting a callback is the most satisfying feeling in the world

• trying to get one on one time with the dance captian, but so is everyone else

• your parents can always tell when you’re not feeling well because “you’re not singing along”

• when you get sick becoming the most dramatic person in the world like “i’m never going to sing again” and “my entire broadway career is over”

• missing rehearsals and desperately trying to catch up

• rather than having a stash of porn you have a stash of bootlegs

• bootlegs are your only lifeline

• waiting for the cast list is a nightmare

• “sats??? i’ve got monologues to memorize”

• your kink is re-enacting the loft scene from spring awakening

• you have a show that you desperately want to do with your company that you know they’ll never put on

• there was at least one show where you know you should’ve gotten a part that you didn’t get and you’re still salty

• there’s one part that you played that NO ONE is allowed to talk about

• there’s also one secret theatre crush that you had that NO ONE is allowed to talk about

• you and the director sometimes are besties and sometimes they hate you and there is SO much in-between

• the choreography is TOO HARD and there is only one or two people who actually know it

• tea

• having so much anxiety about missing rehearsal

• not being called to a rehearsal and not knowing what to do with the free time

• t e c h w e e k

• bad memes about tech week. so many bad memes

• “tech week? more like i’ve forgotten what a shower is”

• asking for extensions on all tests/projects/homework

• just. not talking.

• the director is in a perpetual Bad Mood

• sleep? who IS she

• someone isn’t off book yet

• so many snacks

• one person brings dairy and everyone screams

• late night conversation about mental health (no one in theatre is mentally healthy)

• and then actually doing the show after what feels like years of rehearsal and knowing that the audience loves it

• there is NO feeling like the when the audience is laughing at something you did

• or, alternitavly, crying

• getting to curtain call and feeling the adrenaline coursing through your veins

• after the last show laughing with all of your castmates and friends because you’re so tired and happy that it’s over, but also crying because it’s OVER and you’re never going to perform it again

• going to the cast party and half the people still have their hair and makeup on and everyone is crying a little

• the cast gc blows up for days after the show is over and everyone talks about cast reunions and stuff and then after about two weeks it goes radio silent

• and then auditions start again and the whole process restarts

• you know that you’d never give up being a theatre kid because the theatre is your second family and you love it more than anything

Christian Borle

Hey guys here are a few daily reminders!

-Christian and Andrew  are not dating

-Christian and Andrew have a lovely platonic relationship

-Christian is a straight man, and Andrew is a gay man

-Marvin and Whizzer were in love, their actors are not

-Shipping people in real life is disgusting and invasive 

-Christian is a human being, and he tends to keep to himself 

-Stop harassing Christian about getting a twitter

-He is not required to stage door at Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a two hour performance is all that comes with a ticket, stagedooring is a privilege 

-Just because Christian does not have a social media doesn’t suddenly make it okay to say gross things about him, whether they’re unnecessarily mean comments, (or more commonly) people sexualizing him 

-He is an actor, and he is a person

https://www.instagram.com/lowcost_cosplay/

Reblog the writers’ fortune cookie for luck!