@feydarling : Smother. You Clasp A Hand Over The Sender's Mouth To Keep From Being Heard.

@feydarling : smother. you clasp a hand over the sender's mouth to keep from being heard.

all of the trials he'd gone through, the hurdles he'd jumped over to warn feyre over her fate ... come slapping him in his face, as soon as he'd been made aware of her capture. all of those games, all of deceiving & desperate pleas, now rendered useless. she's still been brought here, defenseless against her tormentors, without any help from tamlin or otherwise. the abhorrence she looks at rhysand with, tells him all he needs to know — any trust she had in him had disappeared, as soon as she saw him by her side.

being amarantha's right hand wasn't a role he played with any pride. the things she'd make him do, the carnage that would always follow ... it were enough to haunt him for the rest of his nights, however many he had left. but the one silver lining: she trusts him, at least. enough that he can visit feyre without raising any eyebrows. even if he senses his presence is unwanted by the hatred that flickers in her gaze, as soon as it meets his. her lips parting to speak only meet his palm, interrupting the lashing he knows he deserves. a finger raises to his, words a hushed warning. " save it. i know i am the last person you want to see right now. but i am going to get you out of here. "

he makes no attempt to extinguish feyre's fire, letting her feel it in it's entirety, his face void of any lingering hurt. she has every right to feel this way, to be angry ... not only at this world, that has treated her so unfairly since she was born — but at him, too. ever since his return back to velaris, he can hardly stand to look at himself. his reflection is a beastly thing, shrouded by darkness & evil. everything he had to do to survive, staring right back at him. there isn't a second that goes by that he isn't second guessing every choice he's had to make in the last forty-nine years. sometimes, he can hardly tell where that mask ends & he truly begins, or if it were ever even a mask at all. ( perhaps he lost himself somewhere along the line. ) regardless, he knows she isn't wrong: what he'd done was cowardly, an attempt to save his court with little to no regard for the cost.

rhysand is unflinching as feyre's palms meet his desk, falling back into that act that he despises with such ease. he only stares at her hands blankly, unable to fight her any longer. to see her filled with such detest for him slowly eats away at any sense of self left that he still has. such a monster, to make his own mate hate him. it's only at the mention of other high lords, that some fire sparks back into his eyes, meeting hers. suddenly, he's standing, biting down on his words. " do not — for a second, compare me to him. " tamlin: who had done nothing to save her, who watched her die, who locked her away after she spent so long imprisoned just to save him. it twists his stomach into knots, his jaw clenching. " i am not locking you up, nor am i discarding you. i was giving you an out, before you said something you'd regret. you have always had choice in being here, bargain or not. "

i expected him to at least fight back — to throw some daggers back at me. or to laugh it off, mock the useless temper i had lost the reigns on. i felt my words pierce him, as if it were my own heart a jagged knife had just ripped into. i had hit him too hard and pushed him too far -- immediately realizing my mistake, as i watched his armor not just crack, but shatter completely. because of me — because of what i had said. the burning affliction in his eyes was enough to gut me, as i realized i was the scathing, ferocious monster that had just willfully torn him apart. i was the one who had stabbed those two fae in the heart as they begged for their lives and their loved ones wept nearby. none of it was true — i had not meant it, each sharp and pointed word meant more for me and the wild beast that lurked just under my hardened surface than rhysand. this time, he had been the easy prey.

my lips parted to speak — to apologize, and take it all back. i should have left, remove myself and avoid the boiling confrontation, like i had done with so many others. and i would have — but his attempt to dismiss me was so reminiscent of the disregard i had been consistently shown, it rekindled my dwindling fury. icy rage i had spent ages carefully burying. rhysand was not the real culprit — he was not the deserving target of my unleashed wrath, but turning my anger on him was almost too easy, after he had made himself the conduit before. i was so tired of being both coddled and ignored — tired and angry. my hands slammed down on the desk, as i stood up and leaned forward. “ you do not get to dismiss me. we are not under the mountain anymore. bargain or not, i am not at your beck and call. you cannot just shoo me away. i am not the one running from myself. is this what it means to be a high lord — do you all just discard someone the second they say something you don’t like? ” i hated myself for my inability to stop — the way i lost any semblance of self control around him. “ then you really are a coward. ”

rhys going from “i can’t have a family because they’ll just be hunted” and “everything i love has a tendency to be taken from me” to playing wing peekaboo with nyx

he knows all too well what she's going through — despite how asteria carries herself, rhysand could see right through the mask she adorned, straight down to the pain that lingers beneath it. it's a reflection of the same one he'd worn after returning back from velaris, pretending he was okay for the sake of his family, all the while he was holding himself together with just a thread. ( that bond, tying him to feyre, had been his lifeline. pulling him to shore when he'd felt like he was drowning. )

even now, night terrors still find him, shaking him awake until he is trembling. flashes of amarantha, the echoing crack of feyre's neck ... he hasn't had the courage to ask for the details of asteria's imprisonment, not until she's ready. but he knows that facade is unsustainable — that whatever horrors she had been through would eventually catch up to her, just as they had for him.

that worry is exactly what made him jolt awake, the sound of her nightmares heavy in his head. he knew exactly where to find her, his mirror in so many ways ... the same place he'd go to seek comfort, in the stars & night sky.

he hides how his chest caves in, swallows down the anger that boils up seeing her so hopeless. he would tear apart their world, leave it in a disarray of nothing but red mist, if it had meant returning what was stolen from her. that rage, he knows, is useless now. buried underneath a cool calm, searching for any words instead to ease her pain.

" who you were ... she's not gone, asteria. it may take some time, but piece by piece, you will find her again. " he breathes, moves to stand next to her & lean his back against the rail, gaze lowering onto the ground. " after my time away, i tried to shut everyone out. i pretended like everything was okay. to spare everyone of the guilt, yes — but i also thought that maybe, doing that, i could convince myself that it were true, too. " his brows furrow, taken back to that time that seems so long ago by now. " keeping everything bottled in ... it didn't help. it'll only consume you. "

she painted herself with strength. walked with her head high and that glimmer in her eyes that was known to dwell in the depths of her iris's much like the night skies above. the terrors of being imprisoned by hybern . . . an onlooker would never be the wiser. but that , that was her grandest skill. covering the scars both physical and mental , grasping onto the sliver of inner strength she still wielded as tight as she could , all to portray that she was okay. if not for herself , but for her friends within the inner circle. and most of all , for her brother.

rhysand , from what she had been told by way of cassian and mor , he had been through hells of which even asteria herself could not fathom. under the mountain , the war , tamlin . . . just merely thinking of what it must have been like for him made her heart shatter. it was why asteria took it upon herself to act as if she was okay. because of that joy that radiated through him when they were reunited. because of that smile that grew on his face when he saw hers. who would she be to take that away from him after all else he had lost ?

but secrets had a way of revealing themselves one way or another. no matter your willpower , no matter ones careful steps to keep it buried. and in the case of asteria , it was the nightmares that had sold her out. most she could reel in. use her pillow or a lie to cover the truth. but the most recent was . . . it was too real. and it was why she now found herself outside on the balcony , looking over the vast city of velaris at the side of the only family she had left while the silence of the night washed over them.

rhysand ( @rhysie ) spoke to asteria : ❛  i can’t promise you it’ll get better. but i can promise you i’ll be here with you  ❜

they were the first words uttered from either of them. words that caused her own arms to pull the robe tighter around her waist while the remnants of tears dried under her eyes. ❛   so what do i do ?   ❜ void of the cheerful tone she carried , there is a distance behind each word. ❛   my wings , my mind , who i was . . .   ❜

that's when her eyes moved to his , eyes of violet meeting one another with striking parallel. ❛   i know it won't go away but , what do i do now ? how do i be me when who i am is gone rhys ?   ❜

you could pull the stars apart and still be gentle in the morning

Cut - Yves Olade

he can read cassian like a book, ( always has, there was little need for rhys to ever take a glimpse into his mind ) taking in the fear he tries to play off with laughter. he sometimes forgets: after everything he put them through in his absence, the pain & worry that came during that time ... he needs to be more careful now. leaving his court in the dark is no longer an option. " apologies. i got wrapped up in a rather — heated conversation with one of the war camp leaders. " both hands raise to show no harm was done, at least to him, before moving to give a reassuring squeeze to cass' shoulder, grounding him. " i'm fine. "

@rhysie liked ᶠᵒʳ ᵃ starter with 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑎𝑛.

𝐢𝐭'𝐬  𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝  𝐭𝐨  𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡  𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧  𝐢𝐭  𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬  𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞  his  heart  is  in  his  throat     ;     but  he  manages  to  get  the  sound  out.     it's  hoarse,     sounding  as  rough  as  he  felt.     his  brows  pinch  together,      contradicting  the  smile  that  curled  his  lips     &     showed  canines.     "  i  should  have  known  better.  "     they've  both  come  back  from  far  more  perilous  missions.     but  he  gets  in  his  head,     even  now,     blood  rushing  in  his  ears     &     his  massive  body  tense,     itching  for  action.     "  you  worried  me.     you  weren't  responding-  "