Life Tip #64

Life Tip #64

love the taste of lush bath bombs but don’t like the feeling of itty bitty grains in your mouth? use a knife to shave off small parts of the bath bomb every day into a glass of water like kool-aid powder! the grains will dissolve and you’ll be left with a bath bomb with multiple usages!

Life Tip #57

a sample list of things to do to feel a little more alive

buy brownie mix from the store. follow the directions on the back. when the brownies are almost cooked, dump an entire bag of mini marshmallows onto the top so that it forms a gooey layer. allow it to sit in the oven long enough for you to doubt whether it’ll actually be good or not. eat it. wonder why you’ve ever doubted yourself or the marshmallows.

go to the store. purchase a small packet of every single flavor of kool-aid available. pour them into a cup. mix in water. stir. create the ultimate kool-aid flavor. drink. ask yourself why you take advice from the internet. drink more. drink water to get rid of the taste. realize water now tastes like kool-aid. understand the consequences of your actions by enduring the week long torture of not having taste buds. only kool-aid.

paint a self-portrait with finger paints from the dollar store. do it on a tri-fold poster board. laugh at the shortcomings of the public education system. give yourself fangs because you’ve always wanted them. add a little party hat. you’re not sure what you’re celebrating but it feels nice to celebrate. 

take a piece of chalk and walk around the neighborhood drawing smiley faces so small that you’d have to be looking for them to find them. admire the funky little gnome in your neighbor’s yard. give them a name. walk another block and draw a dick. it’s not funny but laugh, just so you remember what your laugh sounds like. 

head out to the nearest park or field. scan for dog poop. lay down (preferably not in the dog poop). stare up at the sky. close your eyes because the sky becomes boring. imagine what color you would’ve made the sky if you could choose. open them. the sky’s still blue but it’s nice to pretend.

make a love potion. pour drinking water into a cup and realize you’re actually quite thirsty. drink the water. come to the conclusion that you should take care of yourself more often. fall in love with yourself.

Life Tip #56

a handy list for referring to a “penis” in a story using different synonyms and what the connotations are:

penis - simple, basic (but not overused). a respectable word, probably used in medical contexts or by a very beginner fanfiction author who just discovered what a smut was and is still highly uncomfortable with the idea of “bad words.” sometimes dropped in by more experienced authors who just need a break from typing out “dick” all the time.

dick (richard) - most common usage, mainly because if you write dick, you’re writing either a smut or crack fic--sometimes both (probably both). familiar enough to be glanced over without a second thought. only a 12 year-old would truly be alarmed by this word but otherwise, your audience won’t be fazed. do not suddenly change from penis to dick or else your readers will be completely caught off guard. if you’re gonna use dick, start with it. 

cock - less common than dick, but otherwise, mostly the same as dick, except this one has the potential for a lot of rooster puns. dropped a lot in dirty talk, so use this for dialogue. always strange to see this in any other context. (ex. His cock was his crown glory, a lengthy spear which he used to stifle sexual cravings.) on the other hand, do it, that reads amazingly.

groin - if you use groin, you’re either writing it from the perspective of a respectable “well to do” protagonist or your audience is a bunch of young teenagers. highly doubtful that this would be used in any sexual context. your character probably just kneed somebody in the balls.

phallus - okay first of all lmAO, cannot picture anybody using this seriously, even though this is the word you’re supposed to use seriously. like imagine somebody asking, “you wanna suck my phallus, baby? you want it?” that fucking kills me. anyways, if you want to look like a victorian age romanticist, use phallus, be my guest. this is the kind of word your parents use when you first asked how babies are made because they didn’t want to expose your ears to hearing “penis”

joystick - whoever decided to refer to their dick as a joystick is my hero. genuinely one of the funniest mental images i have ever had to associate with a penis. i mean technically speaking, i guess it is a stick(?) and if it brings you joy then good for you !! keep doing you, you funky gamer frat boy

dong, schlong - listen,,, what the fUCK. saying this just makes it sound like your penis is some kind of sentient being, or like a miniature pet you keep tucked inside your pants. “scuse me ma’am, my dong needs to pee” god what even

weenie - you are a kindergartner teacher. that’s it. there is no other permitted context in which you are allowed to describe a penis as a weenie.

willie, willy - h u h ?? this is really a thing? people really just walk around calling their dick a willy? ain’t that a name?? i’m so sorry williams who live in britain (which is like all of you), you guys must’ve been the brunt of too many jokes in secondary school

winkle - yah, so the british are fucked up and if you say this in front of me, i will never be able to take you seriously again.

member - i know that for most people, this takes on the same/similar connotations as dick and cock do, but i just ?? why does there seem to be like a kink for making your dick seem like a separate being of its own,,, why, why is that a thing

Life Tip #65

make out with your partner while in quarantine...ahaha jk...no really jk, we have to practice social distancing for public health bro

Life Tip #55

a short list of places to escape this dimension:

grocery stores just before closing time, when the people have begun clearing out and you are surrounded by aisles of bright chip bags, the chill of cold meat, the hum of flickering lights, whirring bread ovens, and the loudest noise is the soft tapping of your footsteps echoing throughout the store. you pass an employee, wave hello, but they vanish once they pass by the holiday display and you never see them again. there is no longer food lining the shelves. the products consist of your musings of the universe and what you imagine should be there. somehow, you know where everything is, but only because you have willed it to that place.

gas stations past midnight, when your headlights are brighter than the lights hanging above you, and the smell of gasoline grows stronger the more you think about it. the voice coming out of the machine is different, but you’re not sure if it’s gotten higher or lower, you’re not sure if you’re hearing a voice anymore and yet, you understand everything it’s saying. the swipe of your card is instinct, you’re not sure how much gas cost, but your tank is full now and you hear barking and howling in the distance. it’s strange. you don’t remember there being wolves or coyotes in this area.

streams off the side of the highway at sunrise, where the morning rush hasn’t yet started and for once, the sound of the water outweighs the rumble of streetcars and the water splashes recklessly across the rocks. you wonder when mother nature will take back her earth. you wonder if it is already happening.

empty patios at evening parties when the stars and you stand alone with an icy cold drink in your hand that you can’t hold onto for too long before your hand turns red and numb. your arms have goosebumps and you stare out into the sky, licking your lips, trying to put feeling back into your hands.

school classrooms when the entire student body is at an assembly and you stand alone in the room, basking in the silence.

Life Tip #67

delete tumblr and instead follow instagram accounts that repost tumblr posts. nobody should have to experience that stuff that happens on here firsthand