CINDER BLOCK ON MY CHEST

CINDER BLOCK ON MY CHEST

In the dead of night, usually around 3AM

My head is spinning with thoughts of everything we did

And all of the words I wish I could’ve said — but I didn’t

Then feel like I can’t breathe, the guilt sinks too far in

I wish I could just ask you,

What could I have done to make you stay?

I thought I could change your fate

But the debt was just too much to pay

And as much as I hate to say

It’s just a little too long, I tried to wait

All of these years

Now it’s just too late

08.09.2023

4:10 A.M.

ASTIGMATISM

I miss you more than you know

It’s probably bad for my health

But you know like I know

We just gotta play the hand that we’re dealt

And if that means we can’t be

Together, right now or even forever

At least I still see your face in my dreams

And all of our memories, I’ll keep

The hands on a clock don’t stop, don’t rewind

But I want to go back, when you were mine

You’re gone but I don’t understand why

I’m falling apart, why do you seem just fine?

All I see is us in my mind

You ripped the sun from my sky

And when you leave me like this

There really ain’t no sunshine

Asking God if I could just go back

To the exact moment in time

To the night that I met you

I knew the stars had aligned

—

We could have made it, right?

Does it keep you up at night?

Does it make you wonder?

Does it eat you alive?

Have to tell myself lie after lie

Or I’d end up going out my mind

And I know it’s not my fault,

But I should’ve kept you inside

Cant no motherfucking body say that I didn’t try

I would’ve laid down and died

Pathetic but fuck it

You were my entire life

God only knows how much of my soul went with you

I’m just a ghost you left behind

And maybe we coulda been fine

Maybe not, but I wonder all the time

And ain’t it Fucked up how only now you realize

My love for you was more than alive

Took for granted, Jesus Christ

Now all you can do is sit and watch it die

No closure, nothing

You can’t even say goodbye

Then all of a sudden

Everything is 20/20

Like damn, I should have seen it coming

Hindsight

09.20.2023

2:18 A.M.

🔍

GHOST OF ME

I guess I’m dreaming,

about you

Don’t wanna see your face

But when I fall asleep

It’s something I can’t shake

The images of you

Everything I wanted us to be

What we could have been

Only exists inside my dreams

But It felt like love, I think

I guess I wanted to believe

But I was young and untouched,

Never realized I was being too naive

Your aftertaste still on my tongue,

It’s nasty, it’s bittersweet

I never knew what hindsight was

But now I see you perfectly

Everything was make believe

I fell into a love that would never be

But i still can’t help remembering

The way your voice would surround me,

Your laugh is engraved deep into my memory,

Your name is a scar branded on my skin for the world to see

And when I finally sleep

I have wild dreams

Behind my eyelids I escape my reality

and I go to a place,

Somewhere far away,

Where everything is frozen in time and space

When you and I were one in the same

But now I don’t even get to hear your name

All I hear is my voice echoing

Behind my eyelids I can see your face

But I can never get to you,

I’m always running in place

It’s a sick game to play

Then it’s over, and I am awake

You came like a plague

And I couldn’t see

All the damage that you’d do

And how permanent it would be

What are you, a man or a beast?

Sick in the head — depravity

Looking at me like a piece of meat

Something to hunt, something to eat

You crawled into my sheets

Slept next to me

What I thought was love was insanity

I never thought you were a thief

You walked right out with everything

My body, my soul, my sanity

You took things that are not yours to keep

And now my existence is only the ghost of me

She paces constantly, and sometimes I hear her sing

She haunts me when I’m awake,

And wakes me when I’m asleep

12.11.2023

5:47 A.M.

CAUTERIZATION

When life gets hard

I get high

Smoke in my lungs

With tears in my eyes

Clouds of bad habits

Billow up at the sky

Say it’s unhealthy,

You’re probably right

But I couldn’t care,

It’s how I get by

Pain is a drug to me

I lack the ability to react emotionally

Pain is normal,

A common thing

Distorting the lines of reality

And even though I know

It may one day kill me

As lethal as it may be

I don’t ever ask it to leave

Desperation… to feel anything

I would let all the hurt, swallow me

And to explain it; there is no analogy

It’s all in my soul, you see

Nothing I could write,

Nothing you could ever read

Could make another human being

Feel just how it feels,

to feel absolutely nothing

03.17.2024

2:45 A.M.

He’s still in the county jail, they haven’t taken him to prison yet. Said his out date would be some time in 2028. I don’t see how it could be that soon, somebody probably miscalculated & I’m not getting my hopes up. I hope I can change in the years that he isn’t around. I hope I can get my shit together. I think I will. I know I will. I’ll be 28 next month. I wanna be happy again.

THE LAST TIME

People tell me to stay away from you

I tell them to fuck off

“Tatt my name on you so I know it’s real”

& that’s what I plan to do

And we already got matching mugshots

I was just naked in your bed, I miss you

How’d we end up so far apart?

The mirror beside us was my favorite thing to watch

The last time we had sex, you were asleep in my car

You were mad at me, so I let you doze off

Two hours later, I leaned over & kissed your neck real soft

Like “hey wake up, I want you to take my panties off”

10.26.2023

3:02 A.M.

UNEXPECTED

You take up all the space in my memory

If I’m not with you, you’re in my daydreams

God knows how I fell in love so fast; I'll never understand why

Wish I wasn’t so shy, or I would’ve told you when I saw you the very first time

That when you looked at me, I saw my soul inside your eyes

Was it serendipity? Finally the right time?

Falling for you was different; it was like I could fly

I’m so thankful your path crossed mine

Even if you’re gone, these memories keep our love alive

I just wanted you to know that you’re always on my mind

And while I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine

I’ve never felt so safe with anyone else in my life

You were an enigma — the strong, silent type

Like you were “once bitten & twice shy”

You were afraid of me, for whatever reason why

Maybe someone lied to you one too many times?

Or did you make a bet with love but it dropped you on a dime?

I know it seems impossible to trust when you’ve been traumatized

But my love is different; it’s patient, it’s real, it’s kind

A life full of pain that you hide behind a smile

But I could see the hurt, it was hidden in your eyes

And I know that I can’t fix you, so I won’t ever try

Instead I’ll love you just as you are — even if you think you’re fucked up, to me you’re just fine

And I promise these things, for the rest of my life:

I’ll have your back, your front, & your side

If you’re ever too weak to stand, I’ll lend you my spine

If a war starts inside your head, I’ll give you peace of mind

If your heart ever stops beating, I’ll shock it back to life

Your wings might be broken now, but I can’t wait to see you fly

No matter the distance and no matter the time

I’ll always, always love you beyond ANY reason why

05.30.2024

4:41 P.M.