CAUTERIZATION

CAUTERIZATION

When life gets hard

I get high

Smoke in my lungs

With tears in my eyes

Clouds of bad habits

Billow up at the sky

Say it’s unhealthy,

You’re probably right

But I couldn’t care,

It’s how I get by

Pain is a drug to me

I lack the ability to react emotionally

Pain is normal,

A common thing

Distorting the lines of reality

And even though I know

It may one day kill me

As lethal as it may be

I don’t ever ask it to leave

Desperation… to feel anything

I would let all the hurt, swallow me

And to explain it; there is no analogy

It’s all in my soul, you see

Nothing I could write,

Nothing you could ever read

Could make another human being

Feel just how it feels,

to feel absolutely nothing

03.17.2024

2:45 A.M.

He’s still in the county jail, they haven’t taken him to prison yet. Said his out date would be some time in 2028. I don’t see how it could be that soon, somebody probably miscalculated & I’m not getting my hopes up. I hope I can change in the years that he isn’t around. I hope I can get my shit together. I think I will. I know I will. I’ll be 28 next month. I wanna be happy again.

UNEXPECTED

You take up all the space in my memory

If I’m not with you, you’re in my daydreams

God knows how I fell in love so fast; I'll never understand why

Wish I wasn’t so shy, or I would’ve told you when I saw you the very first time

That when you looked at me, I saw my soul inside your eyes

Was it serendipity? Finally the right time?

Falling for you was different; it was like I could fly

I’m so thankful your path crossed mine

Even if you’re gone, these memories keep our love alive

I just wanted you to know that you’re always on my mind

And while I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine

I’ve never felt so safe with anyone else in my life

You were an enigma — the strong, silent type

Like you were “once bitten & twice shy”

You were afraid of me, for whatever reason why

Maybe someone lied to you one too many times?

Or did you make a bet with love but it dropped you on a dime?

I know it seems impossible to trust when you’ve been traumatized

But my love is different; it’s patient, it’s real, it’s kind

A life full of pain that you hide behind a smile

But I could see the hurt, it was hidden in your eyes

And I know that I can’t fix you, so I won’t ever try

Instead I’ll love you just as you are — even if you think you’re fucked up, to me you’re just fine

And I promise these things, for the rest of my life:

I’ll have your back, your front, & your side

If you’re ever too weak to stand, I’ll lend you my spine

If a war starts inside your head, I’ll give you peace of mind

If your heart ever stops beating, I’ll shock it back to life

Your wings might be broken now, but I can’t wait to see you fly

No matter the distance and no matter the time

I’ll always, always love you beyond ANY reason why

05.30.2024

4:41 P.M.

i'm only truly happy when i'm too high to feel

when the world seems more like a dream & completely unreal

most days I’d do anything not to feel

let’s get high & drink, smoke, pop pills

i probably won’t ever stop, it’s my only thrill

feel better for awhile & tell myself to chill

it’s just bandaid over a bullet hole, this shit will never really heal

08.28.2023

2:31 A.M.

🌬️

IDOC

People say stay away from you

& I tell them to fuck off

Let them talk & let them judge

I’m a fool for your love & irs just the two of us

Take a chance roll the dice,

Life ain’t fair & love don’t play nice

But me and you, you & I

As long as I got your heart, you can have mine

Space & distance don’t factor in

And I forgot about all the time you gotta spend

Away from me — locks & bars & keys

Miles apart but I still know your heartbeat

Think of me instead of the concrete

Go to sleep, sweet dreams

And when the sun comes up again, you’ll be one day closer to me

10.02.2023

1:56 A.M.

⏳

GHOST OF ME

I guess I’m dreaming,

about you

Don’t wanna see your face

But when I fall asleep

It’s something I can’t shake

The images of you

Everything I wanted us to be

What we could have been

Only exists inside my dreams

But It felt like love, I think

I guess I wanted to believe

But I was young and untouched,

Never realized I was being too naive

Your aftertaste still on my tongue,

It’s nasty, it’s bittersweet

I never knew what hindsight was

But now I see you perfectly

Everything was make believe

I fell into a love that would never be

But i still can’t help remembering

The way your voice would surround me,

Your laugh is engraved deep into my memory,

Your name is a scar branded on my skin for the world to see

And when I finally sleep

I have wild dreams

Behind my eyelids I escape my reality

and I go to a place,

Somewhere far away,

Where everything is frozen in time and space

When you and I were one in the same

But now I don’t even get to hear your name

All I hear is my voice echoing

Behind my eyelids I can see your face

But I can never get to you,

I’m always running in place

It’s a sick game to play

Then it’s over, and I am awake

You came like a plague

And I couldn’t see

All the damage that you’d do

And how permanent it would be

What are you, a man or a beast?

Sick in the head — depravity

Looking at me like a piece of meat

Something to hunt, something to eat

You crawled into my sheets

Slept next to me

What I thought was love was insanity

I never thought you were a thief

You walked right out with everything

My body, my soul, my sanity

You took things that are not yours to keep

And now my existence is only the ghost of me

She paces constantly, and sometimes I hear her sing

She haunts me when I’m awake,

And wakes me when I’m asleep

12.11.2023

5:47 A.M.

A Text About How Dark My Mind Can Get Sometimes:

I fell asleep. I’ve been exhausted lately. I really need to get my mental health under control or something. My ADD is like unbearable, I get so overwhelmed because my brain can’t focus on one thing then it gets overloaded and shuts down so I end up doing absolutely nothing. That’s when my depression kicks in because I feel guilty for not doing normal things or doing things “correctly” and then I feel an insane amount of guilt or like I should be farther in life by now.

Sometimes you don’t know what a person is going through. I know I may have upset you by not replying but you do not understand what it feels like to be me, just as I don’t understand what it feels like to be you.

And no matter what mood I’m in, I won’t ever be mean to you or say things to hurt your feelings.

I know that everybody has their own issues, life is hard sometimes, so I would never want to bring any negativity into your life, because life already has enough negative things that it likes to throw at us.

So in the future, all I ask of you is to just think before you say something out of frustration please.