Ok Fuck It, Krij Should Have Won, So I'll Treat Him Like The Winner He Is. Love, Love, Peace, Peace Ranking

Ok fuck it, Käärijä should have won, so I'll treat him like the winner he is. Love, Love, Peace, Peace Ranking let's go. (Here's the one for Loreen)

Get everyone's attention He's in a box. Why is he in a box? Intriguing 1/1

Drums! There has to be drums, +1 for gorgeous topless men and/or a grandmother No drums, but he definitely counts as topless 1/2

Using an old traditional folklore instrument, +1 for an old man, +1 if he has a beard Sadly the human centipede doesn't count as a folklore instrument 0/3

A violin Alexander Rybak fixed that on Tiktok 0/1

Add A DJ who pretends to scratch No DJs in sight 0/1

Costumes, something that the viewers will notice Probably the most meme'd outfit of the past decade 1/1

The song is about love or peace Nah but there's still lots of love going around 0/1

3/10 There's some room for improvement there but that's not gonna stop us

Let the song beginn with passion He's coming out of a cage and doing just fine. 1/1

Let the wind begin to flow No wind, only wild running 0/1

Look into the TV camera The first thing we see of him besides the green jacket is his eyes. 1/1

Smile Käärijä and all of his dancers are smiling after the second chorus 1/1

Fill the stage with light After he leaves his box the light is everywhere 1/1

Dancers will join us The box opens and here they are! 1/1

Old women baking bread He could probably do with some bread after a night of drinking 0/1

A man in a hamster wheel Running around a box sadly doesn't replace a hamster wheel but he IS inside something (you're so right @munuaispapu) 0.5/1

Our hands will touch He doesn't touch hands with anyone but his dancers do and at one point they're touching his arms 0.5/1

We change the key The song changes drastically 1/1

It begins to snow Their dancing fired up the stadium too much to get cold enough for snow 0/1

Burning fake piano They could have at least set the box on fire imho 0/2

Russian man on skates Sliding a dancer across the stage by her legs isn't quite the same 0/1

Party for everybody Cha Cha cha! 1/1

More tricks in the hamster wheel They did the "wheels on the train" move but that's a different kind of wheel 0/1

End result:

11/26

Clearly we have a winner, folks. Iconic. Groundbreaking. Outstanding. Better score than both Måneskin and Loreen got. Cha Cha Cha.

Why do people like burning the goat? Is arson just that cool and sexy over in Sweden (and the world as a whole?)

Winter dark and sad lets do an arson about it :)

Lord of the Lost - Blood & Glitter | Germany 🇩🇪 | Grand Final | Eurovision 2023

Hey Europe... we need to talk.

Fixed it

Time for my annual "winning performance according to the official Winning Song Guidelines", aka the Love, Love, Peace, Peace Ranking. This one's gonna be fun.

Get everyone's attention She's literally lying on the floor. Groundbreaking. 0/1

Drums! There has to be drums, +1 for gorgeous topless men and/or a grandmother Nope. Though at least literally every other drummer on stage looked stoked to be there 0/2

Using an old traditional folklore instrument, +1 for an old man, +1 if he has a beard Unless her body counts as an old traditional folklore instrument it's zero points from me 0/3

A violin Would probably be hard to use one with those fingernails anyway but she DOES mention one 0.5/1

Add A DJ who pretends to scratch She scratched the screen a few times I guess? 0/1

Costumes, something that the viewers will notice Her hair was giving me Na'vi vibes 0.5/1

The song is about love or peace I'll give her that 1/1

2/10 not really off to a good start, let's see about the execution

Let the song beginn with passion There was some heavy breathing and I guess you could say she was going for seductive passion? 1/1

Let the wind begin to flow As far as I could tell no wind 0/1

Look into the TV camera It was pretty hard to follow with the camerawork and her eyes looked mostly closed on close ups but I think there was an attempt 1/1

Smile She was smiling after the music was over so 0.5/1

Fill the stage with light The screens above and below her in addition to the flashes made for some interesting lightning design 1/1

Dancers will join us No additional dancers, just Loreen by herself 0/1

Old women baking bread Again no bread this year. As a German I'd walk through fire and trough rain for some but Loreen was too focused on her tattoo 0/1

A man in a hamster wheel Sounded like she was spinning the person she was singing about like a hamster wheel in her head but nothing on stage 0/1

Our hands will touch She probably wanted to touch someone but there was only a screen 0/1

We change the key The chorus picks up a bit so props for that 1/1

It begins to snow No sudden weather changes 0/1

Burning fake piano I'll never get over this. Where is the fire? 0/2

Russian man on skates Russia is still banned from the stage entirely 0/1

Party for everybody Going by the reaction of the crowd during the announcement of the votes I'd say the party was for someone else 0/1

More tricks in the hamster wheel Maybe her tattoo was of a hamster wheel but we'll never know 0/1

End result:

6.5/26

Devastating. The jury should really check the Official Guidelines next year before voting. That's all I can say.

Here's the results for Kalush Orchestra and here's how Måneskin did