Time For My Annual "winning Performance According To The Official Winning Song Guidelines", Aka The Love,

Time for my annual "winning performance according to the official Winning Song Guidelines", aka the Love, Love, Peace, Peace Ranking. This one's gonna be fun.

Get everyone's attention She's literally lying on the floor. Groundbreaking. 0/1

Drums! There has to be drums, +1 for gorgeous topless men and/or a grandmother Nope. Though at least literally every other drummer on stage looked stoked to be there 0/2

Using an old traditional folklore instrument, +1 for an old man, +1 if he has a beard Unless her body counts as an old traditional folklore instrument it's zero points from me 0/3

A violin Would probably be hard to use one with those fingernails anyway but she DOES mention one 0.5/1

Add A DJ who pretends to scratch She scratched the screen a few times I guess? 0/1

Costumes, something that the viewers will notice Her hair was giving me Na'vi vibes 0.5/1

The song is about love or peace I'll give her that 1/1

2/10 not really off to a good start, let's see about the execution

Let the song beginn with passion There was some heavy breathing and I guess you could say she was going for seductive passion? 1/1

Let the wind begin to flow As far as I could tell no wind 0/1

Look into the TV camera It was pretty hard to follow with the camerawork and her eyes looked mostly closed on close ups but I think there was an attempt 1/1

Smile She was smiling after the music was over so 0.5/1

Fill the stage with light The screens above and below her in addition to the flashes made for some interesting lightning design 1/1

Dancers will join us No additional dancers, just Loreen by herself 0/1

Old women baking bread Again no bread this year. As a German I'd walk through fire and trough rain for some but Loreen was too focused on her tattoo 0/1

A man in a hamster wheel Sounded like she was spinning the person she was singing about like a hamster wheel in her head but nothing on stage 0/1

Our hands will touch She probably wanted to touch someone but there was only a screen 0/1

We change the key The chorus picks up a bit so props for that 1/1

It begins to snow No sudden weather changes 0/1

Burning fake piano I'll never get over this. Where is the fire? 0/2

Russian man on skates Russia is still banned from the stage entirely 0/1

Party for everybody Going by the reaction of the crowd during the announcement of the votes I'd say the party was for someone else 0/1

More tricks in the hamster wheel Maybe her tattoo was of a hamster wheel but we'll never know 0/1

End result:

6.5/26

Devastating. The jury should really check the Official Guidelines next year before voting. That's all I can say.

Here's the results for Kalush Orchestra and here's how Måneskin did