Anxious-watermelon - Whut - Tumblr Blog

Bruce wakes up one morning and shoves his socked feet into a pair or Birkenstocks, puts a nasty old robe on over his bare chest, and shuffles downstairs in his boxers. He sits at the breakfast table and blinks down at his blueberry pancakes.

“Looksgood,” he mumbles.

Damian, Tim, Cass, and Dick are seated at the table as well. They’re all eating various breakfast foods. Dick is wearing a neon green leisure suit. Damian has a frog next to his plate. Cass and Tim are poking each other with their forks.

Bruce cuts into his pancakes and takes a nice big bite. He chews. Swallows. Everyone is staring at him.

“These are not blueberries,” he says softly. “Who put olives in my pancakes?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer. He just gets up and walks outside.

—

A few hours later, Tim needs some help with a fingerprint and tries to find Bruce.

“Where’s B?”

Damian, who is reclined on a chaise lounge and reading manga, points outside. Out in the distance, at the very edge of the horizon, is Bruce. He’s just a little speck. Tim squints.

“What’s he doing?”

“He’s mowing the lawn.”

Tim blinks a few times and sees that Bruce is, indeed, pushing a lawn mower.

“Damian,” Tim says, “the Wayne Estate is 150 acres big.”

“Grayson said that Father is having a breakdown due to the Olive Prank. He said to just let Father mow the lawn until he collapses. I am keeping watch.”

Tim watches as Bruce shuffles off into the horizon with the lawnmower. It’s a sorry sight.

That time all of the entire batfamily was sleep deprived

Dick: “Tim? Tim! Can you read this? I feel like I’m slipping”

Tim: [slowly walks over]

Dick: “so, what I understand is that the whole operation is settled in New Jersey”

Tim: [reading it over and over] “Dick, there’s nothing about New Jersey in here. Get it together, man”

Jason: “Dick, go lay down man”

Dick: “m’fine”

Tim: [turns around] “I forgot where I put my sandwich”

Dick: “do you want me to call it?”

Tim: [stares at Dick]

Jason: “yes. Please, call Tim’s sandwich”

Dick: [pulls out phone]

Damian: “Grayson, think about it”

Dick: [calls Tim’s phone]

Tim: “hello, this is not Tim’s sandwich”

Bruce: [leans back in his chair] “Dick, leave a voice mail”

Stephanie: “this… this would be so funny if I could hold my eyes open”

Dick: “I’m waiting for the beep”

Tim: [looks at Bruce]

Dick: [realizes] “wait, god- fuck you guys”

Bruce: “I’m honestly shocked you got that far”

Cass: [enters with Tim’s sandwich, eating it]

Tim: [groans]

Bruce going through his utility belt checklist and noting who the items are for

Phone charger (Duke, Tim)

Juice box (Damian, Dick)

Fidget toys (Dick, himself)

Kindle (Jason)

Lollipops (all children 👨‍👧‍👦)

Gummy worms (Cass)

Tampon (Steph, Cass. Just in case.)

Epi-Pen (Tim)

A very small dinosaur figurine that Duke gave him (himself)

Pen and mini sketch pad (Damian)

Tootsie Rolls (if Clark stops by)

Condom

Tamagotchi (Cass, Damian)

Shrimp??? 🍤

who put shrimp in my utility belt

I mean it. We’re not going out until someone tells me who did it.

This behavior is unacceptable. This is disgusting.

Well? I’m waiting. Someone has to know who did this.

I’m serious. Who put the goddamned shrimp in here? No, no, we’re not leaving yet. Get back here. Do you think I’m joking? Do I look amused? We’re all staying right here until one of you comes forward.

I can’t believe the disrespect I have to put up with from this family

Shrimp?!

Fine, you know what? Now no one gets to go out. We’re all staying right here in the cave. How do you feel about that? Are you satisfied with yourselves? Condiment King is pouring mustard all over city hall and we’re stuck here because of your bad choices.

Jason, in full Red Hood gear: Hey mom, can I borrow one of those new Thanagarian guns you guys got?

Diana: Sure, sweetie.

The rest of the League:

Bruce: *sighs*

The rest of the League:

The rest of the League:

Hal: wtf

Dick: Uh, Tim, why do you have a gold sticker on your arm?

Tim: Jason’s handing them out.

Damian, showing his arm off proudly: I got the most.

Dick: Um, that’s nice?

Tim: We each get one every time we punch someone in the face on patrol.

Dick: Okay, less nice…

Steph: Jason decided the best way to show his displeasure towards Bruce was to be as petty as possible.

Tim: B said it wasn’t necessary to punch everyone we saw committing crime in the face.

Dick: A bit hypocritical, but continue.

Steph: Jason saw the opening.

Damian: And I won.

Dick: Uh, Tim, why do you have a gold sticker on your arm?

Tim: Jason’s handing them out.

Damian, showing his arm off proudly: I got the most.

Dick: Um, that’s nice?

Tim: We each get one every time we punch someone in the face on patrol.

Dick: Okay, less nice…

Steph: Jason decided the best way to show his displeasure towards Bruce was to be as petty as possible.

Tim: B said it wasn’t necessary to punch everyone we saw committing crime in the face.

Dick: A bit hypocritical, but continue.

Steph: Jason saw the opening.

Damian: And I won.

God is gonna have to personally come down and kill Jason Todd at this point

I can’t see this man dying again without going completely feral

Batman: Gotham Knights #12

Drabbles from a fic that may or may not ever be written

In which Tim and Jason stumble upon a plot convenient device that transports the user into a different dimension/universe. Except it’s broken and they don’t know how to work it yet so after they accidentally trigger it they’re pretty much just tripping through the multiverse in the hopes that maybe they’ll eventually end up back in their universe

————————————

Jason, after killing his 28th Joker and saving baby Robin Jason for the eleventh time: You know, this isn’t too bad

————————————

In a universe currently experiencing a zombie apocalypse

Tim: Hey look, it’s your people

Jason: You’ll be one too if you don’t shut up

————————————

Jason: *cackling*

Tim, horrified: I can’t believe I just punched Batman.

Jason: *cackles louder*

Tim: He’s so YOUNG right now.

Batman who’s been doing this for like three weeks: Hey! I’m above legal drinking age!

Jason, practically wheezing: Oh my gosh you punched baby batman

————————————

Jason: How many times have we stopped a world ending scenario by getting rid of a big red button?

Tim: Fourteen.

Jason: Some people have no creativity.

Tim: What are you waiting for, a big blue button?

Jason: Well I’m just saying it’d be nice…

————————————

Tim: This is so weird.

Jason: It’s unnatural is what it is.

Tim: This is Gotham! There’s not supposed to be *sunshine* here.

————————————

Jason: So let me get this straight. You are… Ratman?

Bruce, dressed in a large rat costume: Rats are terrible.

Jason: Uh-Huh. So how’s that working out for you so far?

Tim: Just please tell me your secret base isn’t in a sewer or something.

Bruce:

Tim: This is the worst timeline.

————————————

Damian: You mean to tell me that in your universe I have SIBLINGS?!?

Jason: Uh, yeah? There’s like fifty of us on any given day. Are you seriously an only child?

Damian:

Damian: FATHER! You must rectify this immediately!

Tim: Is this a greener grass situation or is he plotting our murders?

Damian: Two more children will not kill you!

Jason: I’m thinking the first.

Damian: I AM NOT THAT BAD!

Tim: Can we record this to show Damian later?

————————————

Tim: Did we do it? Are we back?

*Batman flies into the sky and punches an alien who lands about a mile and a half away*

Jason: Yeah, I’m gonna go with no.

Tim, fiddling with the dimension device: Dangnabit.

————————————

Jason, looking at a nineteen year old Bruce Wayne: Oh, I’m regretting all my life’s decisions up to this point.

Bruce: So does that mean you’ll train me?

Tim: Where’s the computer?

Bruce: The what?

Tim: *now five seconds away from a breakdown*

————————————

Jason: You’ll send this to the Justice League when we get back, right?

Tim, filming Batman using a glorified pogo stick and a slingshot: Obviously.

————————————

*Barbara and Bruce together*

Tim: I will never be able to unsee that.

Jason: I think I may need to gouge my eyes out now.

————————————

Jason: Oh, oh, this is somehow worse.

Tim, watching other Tim and Barbara on a date: Why is the multiverse so weird?

————————————

*sees a dinosaur batman*

Jason: I am suddenly filled with such a morbid curiosity…

————————————

In a no capes universe

Tim: So this is what it’d be like if we all got therapy.

Jason: And yet somehow Damian’s still here.

Didn't know dishonored 3 had a children's hospital

i did that adult thing you can do where you buy an entire cake and just eat it

i am eating an entire cake

under the red hood

Jason: Bruce, I’ve forgiven you for not saving me, but why haven’t you killed the Joker?

Bruce: oh god is that what this is about

Bruce: Jason, there’s nothing I’d like more in the world than to kill the Joker, but unfortunately, I can’t

Jason: what, because of your principles?

Bruce: no, because whoever kills the Joker becomes the Joker

Jason: ……excuse me

Joker, tied to a chair: it’s true!! I got to be this way by killing the last guy :D

Jason: you what

Joker: oh hey I know how to explain it!!

Joker: you ever see that movie The Santa Clause? it’s just like that :D

Jason:

Jason, frightened: what

You can’t tell me this didn’t happen at least once when he first took Jinx in..

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdxoYNwj/

I see your TikTok and raise you this Vine.

Teen Jinx 100% convinced Sevika to help her prank Silco after having to listen to his river story for the millionth time

Stan the Water Man playlist

I’ve been rewatching Mark’s Stan the Water Man GTA rp on Twitch and I thought I’d make a post for others that may want to watch the full streams in order:

Stan the Water Man Twitch Stream 1

Stream 2

Stream 3

Stream 4

Stream 5

Stream 6

Stream 7

Stream 8

I skipped forward straight to the GTA rp in a few of them but the beginning of the streams were always SUPER entertaining too! :)

me explaining to the other trainers that apricorns are unknown outside of Johto because of deliberate suppression by the Silph and Devon corporations to present artificial pokeballs as the only means of capturing pokemon and establish regional monopolies after they eliminate renewable sources

one time this nondescript guy came into my dunkin donuts and ordered a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot, and for some reason that peculiar order stuck with me so much that when, seven months later, i saw him in the parking lot walking towards the door, i quickly made a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot. he ordered it and i was already holding it. 

i would describe his demeanor that second time as “incredulous”

I love how all of the Batman villains are like “ah he’s not at the manor, it’s defenseless! and then alfred just racks an AK-47 and is like pull up bitch

*extends one long demonic claw out from under your bed and tickles your foot*

When Batman meets a new orphan

“Young man, there’s no need to feel down

I said

Young man, go and beat up that clown”

im surprised no one’s posted this yet but arin and dan referring to the virus as the “backstreet boys reunion tour” is the funniest thing to come out of all of this

This post is like the written representation of watching someone run down a highway with their shoelaces untied

WAIT. wait wait wait. the super bowl. you’re telling me the fucking SUPER BOWL isn’t. a fucking hockey trophy? you’re telling me the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL isn’t fucking about hockey??????

it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence

fun game

dealing with the worst case scenario

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome

your house has a gas leak