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How To Survive A Trip To Midsomer County

Welcome to beautiful Midsomer County, a tiny part of England situated within easy reach of both London and Cardiff and boasting everything you’d expect to find in a major metropolitan city - including serial psychosadistic murders! - and with the added bonus of invariably mad and inbred aristocrats running everything through a combination of nepotism and luck. Before you set out to see the sights, however, there’s just a few simple guidelines we recommend that you keep in mind.

1. Don’t go into the woods. You will be murdered. 2. Don’t go into the fields. You will be murdered. 3. Don’t stay overnight. You will be murdered. 4. Don’t drop in for a day. You will be murdered. 5. Don’t visit any churches. You will be murdered. 6. Don’t visit any pagan sites. You will be murdered. 7. Don’t participate in any plays. You will be murdered. 8. Don’t participate in any films. You will be murdered. 9. Don’t participate in any auctions. You will be murdered. 10. Don’t participate in any sports. You will be murdered. 11. Don’t go to the pub. You will be murdered. 12. Don’t visit any friends. You will be murdered. 13. Don’t get involved with the aristocracy. You will be brutally murdered. 14. Don’t get involved with any gay directors. You will be brutally murdered. 15. Don’t participate in any idyllic rural pastimes. They will be cancelled on account of murder. 16. Don’t get involved with any businessmen. They will frame you for brutal murder. 17. Don’t go to any fairs or carnivals. Someone will be brutally murdered. 18. Don’t deal with farmers. You will be murdered, probably with a shotgun or a pitchfork. Brutally. 19. Don’t have any emotional connection to anyone in Midsomer. They will be brutally murdered. 20. On no account have anything to do with DCI Barnaby or any of his offsiders. YOU WILL BE MURDERED.

Otherwise, have a pleasant stay! And remember: nothing says Midsomer like your graphic, violent death at the hands of religious zealots.