Tw Selfharm Speak - Tumblr Posts

Two: mention of harming ones self (not major tho I'm fine)

So went to my therapist. Well more like medicine provider but I forgot the technical term for that. And I was talking about sleep meds cuz I've had to be on sleep meds and melatonin because I have really bad sensory issues. Like meltdown and sometimes even hurting myself kind of bad. So I talked to my therapist this time and she said that I might have OCD, but I'm kind of confused cuz I also had doctors labeled me with ADHD and autism. I honestly don't know what the problem is but I just got on OCD medicine see if that helps. I would love to get a psych eval, but the closest center that does a psychopath is two cities away. It'd be an 8-hour drive going there and back and it's a major city so hotel cost and stuff like that would probably bankrupt me. My mom says that she's going to try and take me as soon as possible but we just got a new car and she's afraid that I might break down during the trip. I honestly don't know what to do I love to have some kind of diagnosis so I know what to do. I want to be able to just live like a neurotypical person. I want to be able to do things like sit on my bed or wear leggings without literally wanting to rip off my skin. I've talked to my brother about this and he said that he could believe if I was autistic because of how I acted as a kid. Again I honestly don't know what I am I just want to know I want to find it out so I can fix it as soon as possible. Cuz not only is it exhausting but it is breaking me I need help bad. Oh the joy of being poor in a capitalist society so I can't fix my own fucking problems.

I've been up for hours. I have always had the sensory issues but it wasn't until I got out of my dad's abusive house that they really hit me and now I'm up right now literally coughing up loogies that are pink from blood and fighting the urge to literally claw my skin off. It sounds like some edgy thing some kid would have put here on Tumblr in 2008. I hate everything I want to die it sucks so fucking bad. I clean and clean and clean off my bed before laying on it I make my bed I make sure everything is to a tee. And no matter how many fucking time to do with the bed still has something on it it could be as clean as marble and it's still feels like I'm laying in the fucking desert. Always starts off feeling like I'm laying on Sand then it gets itchy to the point that it's unbearable and I just want to claw my skin off and it hurts it stops being itchy and just straight up hurts. I am so tired and I'm just crying Non-Stop and I can't even stop myself from crying and it sucks. I'm tired I'm always you never feeling comfortable in my own skin in a literal way not metaphorical not oh I look in the mirror and I'm ugly literally feeling uncomfortable in my skin I want to be skin I would pay for someone to find a way to live without skin. This is literal agony and it's always hits me when I'm vulnerable. It never hits me in the middle of the day when I'm just chilling relaxing it's always when I'm trying to go to sleep or do something important it's always in the middle of a test or some other bull like that. It's always there I don't know what I did I'm not a good person I know I haven't taken it. And no matter how much I look stuff up we can't find any way to fix this I don't have money to buy a weighted blanket. And my next therapy appointment in this until Wednesday. Sometimes I think if I didn't make a promise that I made my mom I probably be dead. I just said melatonin and I'm hoping that I've been to just get worn out from crying and fall asleep. But it sucks that I even have to do that I want to be a normal person so waiting to sit on my bed and go to sleep. No crying no tantrum no painful itching sensation no need to literally sit as still as possible just hope that it can fall asleep without literally crying so hard that I can't speak anymore.

I just want to be "normal" person i feel bad I don't want to be neurodivergent. I want to be able to do things normally without my brain trying to punish me. This is like living hell. And it's so much worse cuz I never never the problem when I'm like distracted throughout the day I sit on the same bed all day and watch TV and do other things I work on my bed because it's the only thing I have and there's no problem the second that I actually got to go to sleep it's like oh no now your bed is made out of needles and sand and bugs. If I didn't promise my mom I wouldn't kill myself I probably do that right now. I hate everything I hate this I'm going to sleep so badly I'm literally writing this while crying and so tired that I could fall asleep but my body won't let me I'm so so tired this isn't fair.

Please please please please please please if anyone knows anything that can help please tell me I am literally having panic attacks and I can't do this. I am on the verge of just scratching all my skin off Jesus Christ and I don't even know why my brain would act like this why am I so faulty that my brain actively makes my life worse what is the possible reason that my brain would act like this