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Lostale Chapter 4 - Pocketful of Sunshine

It's time to leave Toriel behind, and move forward to the Barrier. She has some things for you before you leave, and each of them are priceless.

I include an interpretation of Inventory and just how you can carry so many unwieldy items throughout the Underground - hopefully it will make sense.

You don’t want to wake up. Of course, when has what you wanted ever mattered? You’re leaving the depths of sleeps behind, rising from the quiet darkness to the deafening turmoil of your waking mind. You don’t like it at all. It’s too loud, too overbearing, always lashing out against you.

Thoughts of the past are dragging at your soul, hounding you with thoughts of what you could have done, with everything that has ever gone wrong. You are trapped within the thoughts of what you could have done, what you didn’t do, what you will never been able to do…

You internally flinch, and try to bury yourself back within the void. You don’t like thinking about many things anymore. It made you so exhausted, tired, dead inside – and wasn’t that a joke? You lacked the determination to do anything, fix anything, to stop hurting others…

There is something you can do. You would startle in remembrance, if you had the energy to spare. You’d been trapped Underground, within the barrier, and you could break it. You could help bring freedom to all of the monsters the barrier trapped, that the humans damned… and you wouldn’t even have to keep going after that.

You wouldn’t be making it out of the Underground, and that was oddly comforting. It was still an abstract enough notion to not be terrifying, but instead, relieving. You weren’t sure if you had enough energy to make it across the Underground in one piece, much less the energy to deal with anything after that. You would be able to stop…but first, you had to make it to the barrier.

You didn’t have the Determination to brute force your way through the Underground, using trial and error whenever something failed to work. You didn’t have the Determination to keep getting up each time you fell, were killed…so you’ll just have to be more careful. The thought of so much effort is already draining at your newfound conviction, but you force yourself to instead picture the results – all the monsters free, and you free in an entirely different way.

To do that, you’ll need to make it past Flowey, the Royal Guard, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Mettaton, and everybody else along the way… that path sounds near-impossible. Aren’t there any shortcuts that you could take that would require less effort?

Maybe the Riverperson could – oh. The Riverperson wasn’t the only one who got around the Underground quickly; Sans explicitly used shortcuts to jump to wherever he wanted to be. Maybe you didn’t have to trek through the entire Underground; maybe you can just get Sans to take you straight to the king. It would be less work for you, and equally less work for him – right?

He shouldn’t have a problem with it…after all, it was only his promise to Toriel that kept him from immediately killing Frisk, wasn’t it? You’d already convinced Toriel to let you go forward with the express intent of handing your soul over to the king via death… surely that would be enough to relieve Sans of his promise? If the skeleton still wanted to keep the promise after he’s been released from the duty, wouldn’t him bringing you straight to the capital count as ‘guiding’ and ‘watching over’ you?

Unless…unless he wanted to give his brother a chance at human hunting? That would make Papyrus pretty happy, and isn’t that a major part of what drives Sans? …It’d be pretty risky, though, to just hope that a random human would play along with the puzzles and not hurt anyone along the way. Besides, if you did have fun with Papyrus, he might end up attached – there was no question that you were already attached to the cool skeleton even if you’d never seen him in person – and you’re just going to die. There’s no point in befriending Papyrus if you’re just going to take a permanent ‘vacation’ immediately after and never see him again…

Really, exposing yourself to Papyrus could only just cause more pain. There was nothing else that being alive seemed to do anymore but to hurt you and help you to hurt others. You grimace, unsure of what you can do to avoid causing others to feel worse. Maybe you should have just let Flowey kill you right from the start – that certainly would have stopped you from hurting Toriel. If you never met her, then there was no way you could injure her, right?

Was continuing on even worth the chance of the hurt that it could cause? Flowey would be waiting at the end of the ruins, probably – he could fix your mistake. It would be easy, really, so much easier…

“My child?” Something tried to disrupt your thoughts, but you don’t pay it any mind. What should you say to Flowey? “Child?” Should you even say anything?

Something is touching you. It takes several moments for the feeling to register, but once it does, you slowly level dead eyes onto whatever dared to enter your personal space.

It was white. You didn’t like white; it was too empty, too clean, too easily stained – a pretense of purity. You wanted the whiteness to go away and leave you be to the darkness.

It stayed, and even more white entered your vision. You couldn’t comprehend what you were seeing – your mind saw the colors and shapes, but refused to assign them properties or names. “It is morning once more, my child.” The sounds again – you knew them to be words this time. “Come, you should always start your day with a nutritious breakfast!”

You didn’t want to start the day, with a nutritious breakfast or otherwise. That meant you would have to start moving, start feeling. Against your will, you felt yourself get up and rise out of bed. You followed the monster of white and purple – lies and royalty – into the sitting room once more.

The white guided you to a seat, and the white gave you food to eat. You stared at the plate, not really seeing the food you intellectually knew was there or the point of eating it. It would be far too much effort to just raise your hand and grasp the fork, much less slice off a bite and bring it all the way to your mouth. You didn’t want to move.

“Normally I do not encourage desert for breakfast, my child, but I believe today to be worthy of an exception.” The white wanted you to eat –Toriel wanted you to eat. She was trying to help, to be kind. You didn’t deserve the kindness she was showing you, but you couldn’t say that to her. Even though it was true, saying it aloud would only hurt her more.

Instead, you focused until you were actually seeing the plate, rather than just looking emptily past it. Displayed proudly was another piece of the painfully delicious pie. You wondered if it would still inspire the same emotions now that it had earlier, since it had been sitting around for a while.

It did. Even with just one bite, the emotional energy was already pouring into you, forcing you even farther into wakefulness. The feelings you had been numb to, now gained strength and demanded your attention. Sadness, happiness, curiosity, concern, relief – all powered by magic and the emotional power baked inside a slice of pie.

You decided, right then and there, that magic was incredibly weird…but you were grateful, despite your resentment at being forced to feel so much. You realize that you’ve been really rude to Toriel all morning, and turn to face her.

The goat lady is tucking into her own breakfast, which seems far less appetizing than the breakfast she served to you. You don’t know exactly what it is, but you strongly suspect that snails are somehow involved. Eurgh. “Thank you,” you offer, and the returning smile makes all the effort worth it. Thus encouraged, you continue. “I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me, Toriel.”

Her smile slips slightly, but becomes no less real. “Of course, my child. I am happy to have helped, and I am more than willing to do anything else that might aid you.” You can tell that the offer pained her, but that it was an earnest offer none the less.

Well, now wasn’t that a convenient opportunity. You take a second bite of the incredible pie as you think about what you’d be willing to request of her. There was no point in asking her to escort you to the castle – she only shows up there to stop you from dying in the game, and that would defeat the entire purpose of you going. Besides, you don’t want to force her to leave her home in the Ruins – not when that’s practically all she has left.

However, if she took you to even just the end of the Ruins, that would keep you safe from Flowey. He liked to appear just before the exit, and you weren’t sure if he’d let you through without another attempt at killing you and stealing your soul. “Could you…” you start, unsure of whether or not this is the right thing to ask. Toriel nods, wordlessly encouraging you to continue, and you find the strength to continue speaking. “Could you escort me to the end of the Ruins? Then… then can you listen or look for the breaking of the barrier, so that you’ll know when you can leave for freedom?” You felt terrible asking that of her – asking her to look for your death. You were essentially asking her to look forward to the death of someone she cared about, even if you couldn’t understand why she cared for you at all.

She folded her paws together, in prayer or in thought. You slowly finished your breakfast, unsure of whether or not you had once again caused her pain, but you didn’t know what else you could do. It always just seemed to happen, despite your best efforts. You fidgeted nervously with your fork once you finished off your pie, unsure of what else to do.

Slowly, she nodded. “Of course, my child.” It was unfair how much those two words kept making your heart throb in additional agony, forcing it to feel a confusing maelstrom of emotions. Still, you felt your tension drain away at her agreement, no matter how unhappy it seemed. “I shall provide you with several more ways to ease your journey,” she spoke, seeming more focused and less sad now that she had something she could do.

The goat mom rose as she spoke, making her way into the kitchen. You grabbed both of your dirty dishes and followed along behind her, mildly curious as to what else she could do for you that she hadn’t already done. “I have a spare cell phone with my number already programmed within, so you can call me should you ever again need my assistance.” You were truly surprised by the offer – in the game, Toriel never picked up the phone once you left the ruins. Though…that may have partly been the Annoying Dog’s fault, since it was suggested that he stole her phone once more after you left… Yet here was Toriel, giving you the phone right before you will leave her behind…and you weren’t exactly likely to maintain ownership of the phone overly long. Maybe you’ll give it to Asgore before he kills you?

Unsure of what to do with it, you take the phone Toriel hands you and slip it into a pocket, determined to deal with it later. You hand her the plates in return, but as she takes them to the sink, you realize that you can’t feel the phone in your pocket anymore. Had you lost it already? Starting to panic slightly, you desperately try to pull it out. Maybe it had just slipped out of your pocket? When you pulled your searching hand back out, the missing phone was right there in your palm. You stared at it for a moment, confused. Maybe it had just been your imagination? You slip it back in your pocket, intending to put it aside for now. You pat the pocket, intending to comfort yourself with the shape of the phone, but it isn’t there again? What?

Laughter interrupts your confusion, and you look up from where you’re staring at your pocket to see Toriel, paw politely covering her mouth in an attempt to hide her amusement at your confusion. “Are you unused to your pocket dimension, my child?” …is she making a joke, or is that actually a thing?

“You’re saying that I suddenly have a… pocket dimension attached to my pocket?” You question disbelievingly, abandoning your search for your apparently dimensionally displaced phone.

“Oh, no, of course not!” Toriel exclaimed as she busied herself with the fridge. You immediately felt foolish, and ducked your head in shame. You were so stupid, so wrong; you just wanted to di- “It’s attached to you, of course! There is no need for pockets with your pocket dimension!” …What.

“What?” You ask, giving up. “I don’t understand. Why – how would I even have a pocket dimension, much less access it accidently if it isn’t connected to my pocket?” You clench your fists tighter, and then open them, half expecting your phone to magically appear. It doesn’t, and you’re actually mildly disappointed. You wanted your phone to come to your hand…and it does. You stare in disbelief at the ancient device, thankful that you haven’t lost Toriel’s gift, but unsure how to otherwise react.

You hear Toriel bustling around, and look away from your new phone to see her bustling around the fridge. “Well, using pockets does make it easier to tuck things away,” she admitted. “They aren’t necessary, though – simply pick up the item with the intent of tucking it away, and away it shall go! After all, how else would you be able to take food or other larger objects with you?”

So saying, she presents you with several more plates, all holding a slice of pie. You don’t know what she wants you to do, but after a moment, you take one of the pie piece plates. “I think you will want to save that for later,” she softly recommends. “You may eat these whenever you find your strength failing, and they shall help to heal you.”

You swallow a lump in your throat and nod, grateful to the goat lady. She didn’t have to give you the pie infused with the magical energy that was coursing through your veins even now, assisting you and bolstering your spirit. You closed your eyes and imagined this piece going away, waiting for when you need it next. You feel a weight disappear from your hand, and a mental slot fill up inside your mind.

You think you understand how this works, now, and send your phone to the same space. You look to Toriel, who is looking back at you with an expression of pride on her face. “Very good, my child! You are doing well. Now, take these with you as well.” She held back out the other slice of pie, and a new one with it. Feeling unbelievably grateful, you take them both, and place them within your pocket space and take inventory of what you’re hiding away. Three slices of butterscotch-cinnamon pie and one old mobile phone – a queen’s bounty, really.

“Thank you, Toriel,” you say, moving forward with your now-empty hands to catch her in a hug. She returns the hug gladly, enfolding you in warmth. You breathe in deeply, smelling fire and life; fur and dirt; butterscotch and cinnamon. You think that this scent is something distinctly Toriel, and it will always remind you of home.

“You are welcome, my child, but I have yet one more thing to give to you.” She drew back, but you could still feel her warmth. “I am afraid that it is not so much a physical item, as a piece of advice and guidance.” You tilt your head to the side, mildly curious. You think you might have some idea where she’s going with this… “I cannot accompany you outside the ruins, but I have a friend who has promised to protect any humans that cross his path.” You were right, for once. She’s telling you about Sans.

“I know not his name,” she admits, “but he has a kind heart and a good sense of humor – especially with his knock-knock jokes.” She smiles, probably recalling the memory of a particularly good laugh. “He wanders the forests of Snowdin – the land just beyond the Ruin’s exit. He has told me little of himself – only that he has a brother, Papyrus, who means the world to him.” Her smile is soft, and you feel an answering smile on your own face. Thinking about Papyrus almost always helped you to feel happier.

“If you find him, you can count on his help. He is a very good person, and I believe that he will protect you for as long as he can.” Her smile wobbled, and you wondered if there was a term for someone who protected you so that you could die in a specific place that you wanted. Death-guard, maybe?

Sadness was crossing her face, and you needed to stop it before it became any worse. “If he’s a friend of yours, then I’m sure he really is a great person,” you try to reassure. “I’m already looking forward to meeting him.” Toriel seems a little less depressed, but that’s not enough, so you try to think up another pun or joke for her to laugh over – they’d worked fairly well last night, hadn’t they? “If he likes knock-knock jokes, I’m sure to a-door him.” You place heavy emphasis on the pun, and your effort pays off when a moment later, the exiled queen lets out an undignified snort of laughter.

You aren’t sure whether she’s laughing at you or your weak joke, but…it’s enough. This is enough – you’ve done all you can, here, lingered as long as you can. You’re ready to go. A flash of terror bolts through you as you set your mind on moving closer to your death…but this is what you want. “Let’s go ahead, then.” You leave the room, hesitating only a few short moments before heading down the stairs.

Toriel followed along behind you after a momentary pause, likely thrown by your abrupt exit. You would feel bad about being rude, but you were ready to leave now – you needed to leave now, while you still had the motivation to keep moving. You both walked down the steps together in silence, as the hallway turned purple, as you both rounded the corner. Toriel faltered as you both came to the first door, but determinedly helped you tug it open.

You were both silent as you walked through the last, long corridor of the ruins. As it changed color, you prepared yourself for the possibility of Flowey. You didn’t think he’d show up… and he didn’t. You breathed out a sigh of relief as you passed the grass patch, and both Toriel and you stop before the final door.

When you turn to look at her for a final time, there are tears in her eyes. “This is where I must leave you, my child,” she whispered, heartache in her voice. You feel similar sentiments of sadness gather in your own eyes, trying to spill over.

You deny them, and instead nod, pulling yourself together. “Thank you again…for everything.” The smile you offer her is small, but true. “I…actually managed to enjoy spending time with you.” You lick your lips, unsure of whether or not you wanted to say this next sentence. “I think… I could have been happy with you, if this was in another situation.” You tilt your head as you ponder on that thought. “But…I guess this’ll have to do.”

You nod sharply, just once, and are swept up into another hug. You don’t think you’ll ever mind getting hugged by Toriel – each one is an experience of warmth and safety, two emotions that are even more absent than all the rest nowadays. You take in the scent of home once more, feel the smooth sensation of fur against your skin, of tears falling onto your bent head…

You pull back from your last hug, and for a final time, wipe the tears you’ve caused from her eyes. She lets you, and watches as you open the door. “Goodbye, my child,” she chokes out.

You pause, ready to exit. You weigh a last parting statement in your mind – would she want to hear it? Would you mean it? Would this help, or hurt her more? “Goodbye… Mom.” You heard a strangled sound, but you couldn’t bear to look.

Tears finally fell from your eyes as you tore through the door, slamming the portal closed forever more behind you. You didn’t know if the sound of sobs you heard were hers or your own as you left.

.oOo. .oOo. .oOo.

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This story is also on AO3 here and FF.net here.