Least Favorite Child - Tumblr Posts
March 10th 2024
Dear God
Damn. I knew I shouldn't have brought that up. But still. God. You must've wondered why I don't worship you. Why I don't believe in whatever bullshit you say about caring for us. If you did. I wouldn't be in the bathroom fucking crying about the tearfull ass conversation I have with my mom. I wouldn't be here starving for attention only for that to be met with more struggles on knowing i cant afford to be that. I wouldn't mind struggling to work in the business. I don't mind doing everything on my own. I don't mind not having enough sleep if it meant I could maintain my grade and do some part time job to help the business. I wouldn't have minded that. Then again you probably knew why I didn't. Why I detest anything that has your symbol on it. Why I don't like going to church, or ever sit through a mass for you. If you knew, why didn't you do anything?
You knew I like it when someone acknowledges the shit I do for school, but why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to know it through this? I hate the realization that I truly don't matter that much to this family aside from my mother. Though does she truly ever loved me like Kisho or only treats me like a responsibility? Why do they always depict you as this all loving creature that cares for all of us? Why do they ever loved you when you done nothing to truly save us? Honestly a lot is going through my head. I always hate that I truly don't have anyone at my side. I don't have any adult figure that truly helps or supports me. Am I a strong soldier? Is that why you don't give me any comfort other than the spoils of my battles? Which i can only enjoy with a piece of paper and the gloating on my classmates and friends. All of them has the aunt or uncle that supports and favors them, but I don't. I'm not a boy. I'm not pretty. I'm not that interesting enough to be remembered. I'm not enough to ever be loved. They don't even care that I'm smart. They don't care about what I accomplished in school. None of them do. Sometimes I wish to die, and always wish to go back in time and prevent my birth.
Is my mind the only thing I can find comfort on? The moments where people see me as the crazy girl walking in circles, muttering shit? Is that the only time I get to be comfortable? Why is it that everytime I confessed to something I feel bad about, I'm always met with the fact that I'm too oversensitive or I'm ungrateful? God, I'm writing 3 sentences that ends in a question mark. This whole shit is redundant. The things I'm writing is becoming redundant. Still, this hear is going shit. I know others have it worse, and now that just makes this whole thing shittier. To know that there's other suffering more than me, and the God not doing anything about it. Then people wonder why some end up as criminals, mentally fucked up people, or just die early. It's a miracle if they ever get out of this shit.
Anyway, life is not going well. Hate you for the shit happening. Cuz if you ever even did exist you would've atleast gave me a perfect score on my English exam when I prayed for that. Le oops.