Keep Swimming - Tumblr Posts
Ever seen a devil with a halo?
Ever seen an angel with some horns?
Everybody got their own demons
Everybody fightin' their own war, oh
The Beautiful & Damned by G-Easy
I swore to myself that I will not journal multiple times or as frequently as I did the past few months. Although therapeutic, journaling has solidified some memories for me that I shouod be forgetting and they push me further into the loop of overthinking. Moreover, I've journaled as if I was venting out my anger in the past few months. So now, I'm trying to redeem.
But I cant stop myself from journaling one time on tumblr. Cause it's been so long.
Firstly, I've moved on from my first crush. (Or atleast, I'm beginning to move on from him)
This is a milestone in itself because I realised that I do not want to be a secret admirer for someone I talk to very frequently that too,in a filter-free manner.
Although pretty late to join the other end of the sea called "first crushes and hormonal rushes", I've realised that it's either -
You stay a secret admirer while keeping your interactions minimal
Or
You let them know how you feel a little early in the relationship
So that you don't let the guilt of becoming a delusional take over whatever friendship you've really established enroute that's actually needed for the 2 of you but, you're too guilty when he needs you as a friend.
Learnt the lesson a really tough way, but we both have our lives moving in different paces in our unis so "it is what it is"
(I really wish we could hang out sometime soon. But I swore to not get ahead anytime soon, so)
Secondly, I began coloring in the penup app of my new tab and doodling a little albeit rarely. This got me into training my mind into being a little patient. Maybe right now I'm patient by 4% more than I was before on an average
Thirdly, I'm chronically having headaches.
It could be me stressing out or overthinking subtle things when I let my emotions and silliness take over the rationale. Also because although im not entirely a people pleaser, i have a hard time saying no and even taking it (should seriously work on better communication)
Or inadequate sleep mostly due to my inefficiency in planning things for the day or night if I'm being specific.
I should be sleeping now so I get sufficient rest for tomorrow, but I'm typing away anyways :p
Or me studying under stress! Panicking. Worrying about my future.
Or missing home and worrying about family
Or under-hydration
Or micro nutrition deficiency cause I get fatigued after I'm out in the sun, pretty easily.
So to sum everything up, my health is getting fucked up. Mental health and physical one too.
Hence the pms and pcos.
Fourthly, I read a lot than I studied in the past few months.
Be it solo leveling to begin with.
Or subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Then recently I've read It ends with us and It starts with us.
While rn I'm binging on Omniscient reader and Eaternal Nocturnal.
Even anime wise
I've watched too many it seems
Kaguya Sama
Suzume (in theatres ✨️)
Your name (rewatch, in theatres 💫, and re-rewatch in my new tab)
Your lie in april
Garden of words
Horimiya (S1)
Demon slayer (rehabilitation arc and mugen train)
I've watched many movies too
Jailer (in theatres)
Happy days
Anand
Gharshana
Good night
(Okay not too many but yeah more than my average in the recent times)
Now it makes sense why I get all panicky before exams. I almost never touched my books because I know, I know how the next 3 and the next 3 years of my life are gonna be like, academically
Lastly, yoongi's lines from magic shop are making so much sense to me right now that I want to turn back time and just live happily with my family but this time around - Imma take care of my parents more and show my brother I love him more and not think about growing up or idolize growing up. Cause adulting is so damn not easy! And I'm not even 21 yet (will be in a few months though)
It's tiring
Taxing
Exhausting
Exasperating
You can't even blame your parents anymore (that feels morally wrong!)