I've Lost All Hope - Tumblr Posts

Shattered

I dream of him every night, my stomach turned translucent, neoformed hands and face pressed against flesh made of latex

I change his diaper for the first time, an IV lodged in his scalp, the nurses have run out of veins

I stick my finger in his mouth and he bites showing me his first cut tooth

I cradle him in my arms, his breathing labored, matching him lungful for lungful, trying with all my heart to breath for him and

There are first words and first steps and first comprehensions and anger and pride and joy and fear and we are a team, a package deal, until we are not

And I give the ultimatum, and he takes it, ruthlessly, emotionlessly, because any outcome is better than living under my roof, where did I go so very wrong?

I drop him in front of the church. He does not look back as he walks away.

It's been every weekend like clock work since you left

You text, boundary push, reach out to sucker me back in

And today you didn't.

I'm trying very hard to be relieved, but that pain is back in my chest.

Depression is grey, a misshapen ball in my chest rising up my throat

Depression is the dismissal of all my daily activities and basic cares that I hold so dear (the dishes can hold till tomorrow, and then the day after that again)

Depression is the overwhelming fatigue at the thought of trying to talk to others

Depression is here, but that means a turning point will come soon.

I dreamed this morning that you told me you were seeing someone. I woke up with sobs caught in my throat.

I guess I have more work to do on letting go.

I come here every week now, jabbing at a wound that just will not heal.

I set an alert today, to tell me when the 3 months you asked for has gone by. I never knew 3 months could be so long.