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Only an Almost (VIII)

Chapter  8: Hopes and Disappointments

Hello!! Here is another chapter! I apologize for this (that's not true, I love breaking my own heart). Also special warning for this chapter, there is a sex scene (first few paragraphs). Not written as smut, but still pretty explicit so, no minors!

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

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Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 2550

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

It was in the way you held onto him. The way the two of you moved in perfect sync. The way you peppered his neck with kisses, the way you knew he adored. The way you tightened your hold on his hand, the one he held by the side of your head, against the sheets, as pleasure grew almost unbearable. It was in the way you whispered his name, warm breath burning against his ear and cheek while he pressed his lips to your skin. It sounded like a prayer, like a wish, like a loving chant. A whisper loud enough to cover the banging of his own heart against his eardrums, his staggering and heavy breathing, the creaking of the bed under your united bodies.

No one had ever said his name like that. It sounded different when you said it. Tasted different when he kissed your lips as they formed his vowels and consonants again. And he murmured your name as well, right there against your mouth, in a sigh, like it was the most sacred word he could ever speak, the most beautiful sound in the world, and it was… it was…

I love you…

He almost said it, but pleasure was overwhelming, and he moaned instead; the two sounds meant the same thing.

It was in the way you were so close to him, the way he felt like he could touch your soul like this. The way you worshipped each other’s bodies instead of simply touching. The way you stared right into his eyes, on the verge of the highest form of pleasure, and gently touched his cheek, like… like there was adoration in your eyes, the same he felt for you. And he watched as you became undone, as you broke into fragments of pleasure, his name on your lips shouted instead of whispered this time. He pressed his forehead to yours as he finally let himself follow you in ecstasy, and it felt like you cushioned his fall, how you held him even closer, clinging to him as he stuttered around the sound of your name…

It was in the way sex was simply better with you. Perhaps it was because he loved you. Feelings made the intimacy of sex so much more intense. But the way you rubbed his back now, soothing and gentle and loving…

Because of all these reasons and a thousand more, Andrew couldn’t convince himself that you didn’t care, that this was just about fucking, about getting a moment of pleasure with no sentimental strings attached to it. He finally opened his eyes again when you cradled his cheek, thumb gentle as it brushed through his beard.

If it were just about pleasure, why would you keep him close now? Why would you reach up to kiss his cheekbone, and then his eyelids, the gesture infinitely tender?

He kept on holding onto your hand, even if not as tightly. He knew you craved for that contact, for that anchor. His other hand slipped under your back to hold you closer, to hold you lovingly against him, and the gesture made you smile against his eyelashes.

I love you…

“God… that was so good, Andy,” you whispered with some awe on your face and in your content smile, like you couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. But to be fair, neither could he.

“Divine, I would say,” he corrected, making you giggle as you kissed his lips again.

“Can’t disagree with that,” you nodded, brushing your nose against his in the process, making him grin.

You touched and kissed and caressed for a while longer, before you would both take some time to clean up and get ready for a proper cuddle. The first few weeks, you didn’t linger for so long with him in bed after sex, but now you seemed to indulge in the comfort that came with being held like this, wearing little to no clothes, holding onto each other and saying sweet nothings into the other’s ear, and kissing… and sometimes going further than just kissing again…

Not tonight though. When Andrew walked out of the bathroom and back in the bedroom, your eyes were closed. You had stolen one of his old t-shirts, buried under his blanket, your expression peaceful as your breathing was audibly deeper than usual.

Andrew slipped quietly back in bed, trying not to wake you. Still, you blinked your eyes open as he was lying down.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, trying to sit up, but Andrew held you back.

“Hey, don’t be silly. You’re exhausted, get some sleep.”

“We said that we wouldn’t sleep together. I mean… actually sleep… you know what I mean.”

“Y/N, you’re knackered. Lay down and get some sleep. I don’t bite… unless that’s your thing?”

“I hate you.”

“I’ll take that for a no. Dully noted,” he joked, pushing his hair out of the way as he rested his head on his own pillow.

“I should go home.”

“You can’t drive, you’re too tired. And I’m too tired to drive you home, so just… stay. It’s alright. Nothing is going to happen if you stay the night. Most people do, even if it’s just a one-night stand.”

You remained quiet, and he knew your brain was working at full speed. He hated himself for his next question, but if it meant that you would stay, just this once…

“You want me to sleep on top of the covers?”

You rolled your eyes, but visibly relaxed.

“We’ve just had sex, I don’t fear for my modesty.”

“Then, stay. I’ll make you pancakes in the morning.”

“Tempting.”

“I know, I’m a grand cook.”

“Decent cook.”

“I’ll take it.”

His hold on your arm loosened, he tenderly caressed the soft skin right above your elbow, on the inside of your arm. You didn’t move away.

“I am very tired,” you whispered, as if trying to argue with yourself.

Andrew sat up as well, leaning in to kiss your shoulder through his own shirt.

“Stay, Y/N. Stay for the night. Please, stay… stay…”

I love you.

He almost said it.

“Okay,” you nodded, reaching out for him and pulling him down with you as you lied down once more.

He tucked you in, not daring to hold you, worried to make you uncomfortable and for you to run away again. Instead, you both laid on your sides, staring at each other in the silvery light that came in from the window. He caught your eyes falling to look at his chest, the skin made even paler under the moonlight, and he didn’t mind. Your gaze was gentle, safe. For once, he didn’t hide, let the covers rest on his hips instead of covering him fully. Meanwhile, he was admiring the silver droplets that were being caught on your eyelashes…

It was silent, still, a moment suspended in comfort and hesitation.

But then your expression grew a little more fragile, more hesitant, as you looked into his eyes again. Slowly, you moved closer, as a test, perhaps. Andrew didn’t hesitate a second, and he wrapped his long arms around you, holding you close to his chest. He felt your muscles relax under his touch, and you placed a peck against his heart as a reward.

“Please, keep holding me,” you whispered, your voice shaking. “Don’t let me go.”

“I won’t. I won’t,” he repeated as a promise.

You both fell asleep like this, holding each other close, your lips to his heart and his to your hair.

When he woke up the next morning, you were gone.

“The wedding is in less than four months…”

“Daphne, please, breathe. Sam has enough anxiety for all of us, I can’t have you as worried as him.”

You plopped down on your seat next to Andrew, a brand-new cup of tea in your hands. Opposite you, Daphne and Sam were freaking out about their wedding.

“Guys, it’s in four months, we have plenty of time… There is no reason to panic.”

“We still haven’t decided what flavour we should have for the cake…”

“Stop, just stop, both of you.”

You grabbed the notebook that was set on the table and a pen, scribbling something.

“You are perfectly on time for everything. Do not worry. Oh, and I’ve booked your appointments for the wedding dress and the suit, as planned. Everything is fine.”

“Oh my God, I can’t wait!” Daphne squealed, suddenly more excited than nervous. “I’m going to buy a wedding dress…”

“What about the bachelor’s party, Andy?”

Daphne threw her fiancé a disapproving look.

“What? It’s a perfectly sound question!” Sam defended himself. “It’s tradition!”

“You’d better not do something too crazy.”

“What about you? You might do some crazy things for your last night as an unmarried woman!”

“I’ll get properly wasted with my friends and eat too much chips.”

“Sounds wonderful, honey,” Sam grinned at his excited fiancée.

“Also, I want a striptease.”

“Absolutely not,” you shook your head as Sam was choking on his tea and Andrew was exploding with laughter.

“I agree with Y/N!” Sam interjected after he could breathe again. “You aren’t getting a striptease!”

“Why not?”

“Because… that’s… objectifying bodies!”

Daphne grinned, humour and mischief shining in her eyes.

“You’re jealous!” she teased, making her fiancé scoff.

“I’m not!”

“Are too!”

“Have you seen me? Why would I worry about my fiancée seeing a six-pack-guy dancing some sexy dance when I can give you love-handles and walk on your feet?”

“I have no clue. The choice is easy to make,” Daphne answered with a grin that grew more tender right before she kissed him. “I was teasing you, you idiot. I’ll settle for getting very drunk.”

“My plan, exactly!”

“Okay, so… before you two start snogging and being disgustingly sweet…” you interrupted them, guiding the conversation back on track. “Andy takes care of the cake appointments. I call for the lodgings and the venue. You guys find out when your relatives arrive precisely, and you choose the caterer.”

“And I’ll call for the rings too, to book an appointment,” Andrew added, sipping on his tea.

You scribbled a few more words on your paper. Sam heaved a relieved sigh, letting himself fall back into his chair.

“Alright, if this is done… then Andy and I will go get food for lunch, while you ladies set up the table.”

“I’ve got to go…” you tried to protest, but your friends had other plans.

“No, you don’t. It’s Saturday, you are not working, and you’re staying for lunch. I’ve already called this Chinese place you like,” Daphne argued, and you had to yield, eventually.

Before Andrew stepped out of the house, he threw you one last glance; and you were looking at him too so he caught your gaze with his. You exchanged a fond smile, a silent sign of tenderness, before he would follow Sam as he walked out of the house towards his car while babbling away about this monster he had managed to beat in Zelda.

They had barely climbed in the car, Sam quickly turning on the engines, when he blurted out his question.

“So… now that we’re alone… tell me what’s going on with Y/N!”

Andrew couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is that the only reason why you asked me to come with you?”

“Obviously, did you really think I’d want to see your ugly face if it weren’t for the drama?”

“Keeping the artist around for the entertainment… makes sense!”

“Precisely! Now, spit it out!”

Andrew heaved a sigh, looked out the window to the moving houses and the blur of trees over a grey sky.

“Not much to say about it, I’m… lost.”

“So… you’re still doing this?”

“For now, yeah…”

“So, you didn’t follow my advice.”

“No, I haven’t yet.”

“And so, you’re going to get your heart broken…”

Andrew remained silent for a moment, his throat tightening to the point that he needed a moment to find his voice back. When the words tumbled out, his voice was deep and low, shaking.

“I reckon that’s already too late for that.”

He passed a hand across his face, rubbing at his eyes.

“I don’t need you to tell me that I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place, because I already know that. It’s just, I… I couldn’t help it. And I can’t let her go now. It’s just… it hurts too much…”

Sam remained silent for the rest of the ten-minutes drive. He didn’t unlock the doors after he parked the car though. Andrew stared at a couple walking hand-in-hand across the street, watched the grey sky and wondered if it would rain before he and Sam got back…

“Do you think she feels the same as you do?” Sam finally asked.

Andrew merely shrugged.

“I’m not sure. On one hand she doesn’t let me kiss her outside of a bedroom; on the other hand, the way she acts with me, I… I don’t know. I don’t know if she’s pushing me away because she’s scared, or because she doesn’t feel anything but physical attraction for me.”

“I see…”

“She’s just… just the way she is with me… she acts like she cares, like I’m not just some random guy she’s sleeping with. But then she has these rules that are making sure that we’re not having something… too intimate. You know what I mean? Like… pet names and stuff…”

“I see…”

The two men remained silent for a moment, before Sam asked quietly another question.

“Are you… are you two exclusive?”

“We’re not together,” Andrew shook his head.

“But have you slept with other women since this has begun?”

“No, of course not.”

“Are you planning on doing that?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Has she? Slept with other people?”

“God, I hope not… don’t make me think about that…”

“Sorry, sorry…”

Another silence, before Sam started to smile.

“Alright, I’ve got a plan!”

“Here comes trouble…”

“You need to finally know if she has feelings or if she’s… dragging you along.”

“What a revolutionary idea, I hadn’t thought of that one!”

Sam merely ignored Andrew’s sarcasm.

“My plan is simple: make her jealous.”

“What?”

“Make her jealous! You feign to be interested in another woman, and you’ll see how Y/N reacts! If she’s jealous, it means that she cares for you… beyond just having you around for sex. If she doesn’t give two shits about you banging someone else, then…”

Andrew took a moment to ponder this idea, and he slowly nodded.

“That’s… actually a rather good idea…”

“There’s a party next week with the whole gang, at the usual pub. Perfect moment to try it!”

“I…”

“All you have to do is flirt with a woman. Even you can manage that, Andy! Trust me, it’ll work.”

Slowly, Andrew nodded.

“Yeah… yeah, perhaps it could work.”

“And if she’s not jealous at all, if she really doesn’t feel the same… you have to bail out, now, mate. Cause she’s going to have you in pieces if you don’t take care of yourself first.”

Andrew nodded, and when Sam climbed out of the car, he followed him in silence, thinking about next week and contemplating how, for the first time in his life, he hoped he could bring you pain.