Internet Diary - Tumblr Posts

I’m just a 24 year old girl learning the hard way that mundane things are wonderful, and I’ve been making so many mistakes trying to avoid it at all costs.

I over complicate everything. I over analyze things, I think so deeply into every motive and action I take. I could give you answer regarding everything I do. It is what I truly believe or feel? Probably not. But I always have an long complex answer to everything. I have extremely bad problems with anxiety due to this.

I have dreams bigger than I can imagine. They change all the time. I plan everything out down to the tiniest detail for my life. Over and over again. Every year of my life since I turned 20, I’ve had to make some major “changes” in the plan. It hurts. I spend so much time confused calculating my next move.

Nine times out of ten, the correct path is glaring in front of me, and I miss it. When I do finally cut the shit, and I see situations for what it is, I feel this sense of relief. Finally, things are not so complicated anymore. I do this to myself. I am so stubborn I will do anything I set my mind to, even if it’s not the right thing.

I am once again learning the hard way that everything doesn’t have to be complicated. My biggest fear has always been a simple life. As a kid I wanted to quite literally see and rule the whole word. In college, I was ready to take on some big time job. I was so scared of not being “successful” I wanted to jump to the finish line.

Learning the hard way has been the only way I learn. Through the thick of it, I see the right path, urging me to simplicity. It’s not as bad as a chocked it up to be. In fact, when all the anxiety and emotions and everything I put on myself adds up, I have a break down. Then I learn.

I convinced myself I needed the complicated job or else my mind would get bored. Turns out, I am cracking under pressure. I don’t understand this complicated job I work, and I go home in tears every day because I am so stressed and the work keeps piling on. I have the big girl complicated business job I wanted and I hate it. I hate it so much. I go to work with knots in my stomach every day.

Now I crave the mundane. I crave the simple job. I just want to do a few things I’m really good at. Forget the MBA, I would genuinely be happier going home and working at my friends coffee shop. If only I had somewhere to live. If only rent weren’t so high.

I lived near the coast. I did love it, if you know this blog you know I love the Lowcountry. But I hated how the land was flat. That was such a huge thing for me. I wanted to live near the mountains. I wanted to see something beside the same flat beach everyday. I wanted a landscape that was different at every turn. I wanted waterfalls to search for.

I wanted to live in a city. With taller buildings. More restaurants. I moved away, and the mountains are SO beautiful. The city is SO cool. I finally live in a place that is not flat. The one thing I wanted. It’s a much more complex landscape, unlike the simple flat coast and coastal plains I grew up in. It’s all so good on paper.

Now, I miss the trees. I miss the birds. I miss the way the salty air feels. I miss the sunsets when you can see the whole sky. I miss the marsh, the flattest but most complex landscape I know.

I miss my routine. My friends. My family. I miss my bed. I miss complaining about my family visiting too much. I always heard moving to a new place away from normal life is “so good” for your growth. All it’s doing to me is putting me in a lonely dark place.

It is helping me grow. But only in a way where I am realizing home isn’t that bad. Simplicity is beautiful and I am allowed to embrace it. I can grow a garden and look at the little herbs and flowers. I can go through a hard day and always have someone to call. I don’t need to climb a bigger mountain every week just to prove to myself I can.

I come on this account and boast about how cool it is to go on all these adventures. And it is so cool. It’s amazing and beautiful. It makes me feel so “cool” getting to show all these cool places. It doesn’t make me happy.

My life doesn’t have to be complicated to be interesting. In fact, it doesn’t HAVE to be interesting all the time. It can be boring. I can rest. I can have the mental energy to paint pictures again. I can be happy again. I don’t have to feel drained.

I keep learning this over and over again. I have such strong issues with control and wanting everything to work a certain way. It never has, and it never will. I just want to go home. Hopefully soon, I can figure out how to get back.

Just got a haircut, and it was a majestic experience. The hairdresser gave me the most scrumptious head massage of my short short life, and I will never be the same again.

26/09/2023

I'm here again, it's strange looking at all the old memories I've put here. so many hidden secrets, stupid thoughts, feelings negative and positive. listening to music and hearing the lyrics or lack thereof. I'll stay here a little longer just to hide no one knows I'm here and i will try my best to keep it that way.