Im Bawling - Tumblr Posts
remembered some poetry excerpts that i liked so boom martin comic. text in first page is from @/ineloquent-creature on tumblr, second page is from @/sainticide on twt, fourth and fifth page is “how to cure a ghost” by fariha roisin!
i always think about like. some quiet moment in the safehouse where martin is struck with the realization that he finally wants to live again. y’know
OMG HAVE YOU SEEN CH260?? kaiser my baby :(( i always assumed his backstory would be kinda dark but i didnt expect this... 🤒 anyways can you do angst with reader waking up in the middle of the night and seeing kaiser having a panic attack remembering his childhood?
many kisses xx 🫶
I did not expect that either... my poor baby, no one should be put into a situation like that. If you do know someone who is put in a situation similar to his, please do not hesitate to reach out to someone you can trust!
Cw: please do not read if you cannot stomach reading about prior physical abuse, choking, and alcohol abuse! Panic attack, reverse comfort, cuddling, crying, 1.1k words
a/n: this isn't as angsty as I thought it would be. I just wanna give Kaiser a big ass hug, baby boy deserves it :( also i feel like I Bet on Losing Dogs is my song to him :(
Your eyes open, a yawn parting your lips as you stretch your legs a little. You know it's late, you don't have to look at the window to confirm. But still, you decide to check the alarm clock on the nightstand, and you realize that it's three in the morning. Your boyfriend, Kaiser, is sleeping right next to you, and he has early practice in the morning.
I'll just get some water and try to sleep, you thought as your hand reached towards the nightstand. But all you feel is air, no cup next to the clock where you usually put it before bed. You groan lightly, you don't want to get out of bed but your mouth feels like the Sahara desert.
Another yawn leaves your mouth as you make your way out of the bed and onto the cold floor. You slip your feet into some warm slippers and walk to the kitchen.
Should I bring it to the bedroom? You looked at the ceiling as you thought of what to do. Shrugging, you decide to bring the full glass to the bedroom. You never know if you're going to wake up again.
"Stop..." You hear your boyfriend whine when you step into the bedroom. "No, I said stop." His hands come up to his throat, clawing at the air.
Usually, you would coo at how cute Kaiser is when he sleep-talks, but you know better. He's not having a dream, more like a nightmare. You set the cup down next to his side of the bed and get onto your knees so you're facing him as he sleeps. Your hands run through his hair, wondering if you should try to wake him up or not.
A sharp gasp pulls you out of your thoughts, your eyes fix to his widened ones. "Hey, hey it's okay," you continue to run your hands through his hair. His breathing quickens and he looks around the room.
It's like he's searching for something that isn't there. "Baby, it's okay. Deep breaths." His eyes finally land on yours, however his breathing doesn't slow. "Come on, in," you take a deep breath in, "And out." You let it out. Michael follows your actions, taking a deep breath in and out.
"Good job, baby," you coo as you smooth your thumb on his cheek. "It's okay, everything's okay." Your free hand comes up to his other cheek to wipe some of his tears.
Your face softens, my poor baby, you want to say. Instead, you try to pull him in for a hug. But he pulls himself back, his arms keeping you at a distance. "I-I don't want..." He trails off, but you understand. You nod your head, immediately understanding why. It took almost 6 months for Kaiser to actually receive your touch without tensing, so you understand why he said no.
"Okay, that's okay." You sympathize with him. You don't want him to feel pressured. "Remember what I taught you, baby."
Kaiser always claimed that he never needed help. Until you saw him struggling one day after a hard game. He beat himself up for it, and you knew that you should give him some space. However, the first person he went to was you. He felt stupid, but also very vulnerable. He trusted you, so he went to you. And just like he thought, you held him and told him that it's okay, it's the cycle of life to lose.
After spending a relaxing day with you, he decided to tell you about his childhood. About why he doesn't like physical touch very much. You learned that his mother left when he was just a baby, his father grew depressed and turned to alcohol. And Kaiser was the outlet for his father's harboring anger. Kaiser looked so much like his mother when he was a kid, and his father grew disgusted. He would drink all day, tell Kaiser to steal for the family, he wouldn't work, he would unleash his anger in the most violent ways.
You learned that Kaiser was almost killed when he was a young child. His father would choke him until he sobbed and cried. And when he was a little older, he was framed for a break-in at a jewelry store. The police searched his home and found money. And of course, his father tried to hurt Kaiser again for storing money.
Out of anger, Kaiser knocked his father out, then the police that were at his home. Because of that, he was sent to jail.
You learned so much in less than an hour. You learned that the reason Kaiser chokes himself before a game is because of his twisted father. You cried for him, you grew angry for him. You were there for him, and he felt so...safe. And for the first time, he didn't tense up when you pulled him in for a hug. He cried when you told him, "Thank you. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being so brave, my love. Thank you for trusting me." For the first time in Kaiser's life, he felt safe and happy.
After telling you what happened, he started to show more emotion around you. And one of these emotions was his anxiety. But you knew what to do, thanks to you having so many panic attacks in the past.
"4-7-8 method, baby," you told him in a gentle tone. "Can you do that for me?" He nodded and started to do what you had asked of him. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and out for 8.
"Good," you give him a small smile. "Do you want some water?" He nodded and you handed him the cup. After taking a few sips, he handed it back to you. "I had a nightmare." His breathing quickened again.
"Slow baby, slow." You remind him, "I had a nightmare about my past. It..." He didn't finish the rest of his sentence, but you understood just fine. It scared him.
"It's okay. You're not living there anymore, you're not alone anymore. Everything's okay."
His breathing calmed and so did his emotions. He finally let you hug him, basking in each other's warmth. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, his breathing evening out until you heard soft snores. You almost wanted to coo at his childlike behavior.
As carefully as you could, you laid his head against his pillows and climbed into the bed. But before you could even put the blanket on yourself, Kaiser snuggled up to you. His head rested against your chest, his arms around your waist. He had a content look on his face, as if he didn't just have a panic attack.
You almost wanted to take a picture, but you thought better of it. This was only for your eyes, his downs, and his ups.
Not on TikTok often but I heard this audio I had to make this edit with it. Here's a link to the original
Projection,
refers to a type of defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory, wereby unacceptable feelings and self-attributes within an individual are disavowedand attributed to someone else.