Idkanymore - Tumblr Posts
Empty/Lonely.
Since my recent break up, we continued to be friends and hang out and talk all the time, even sleep over and it’s not weird at all. But still yo this day, leaving that person for multiple days, I miss them. I miss holding hands, cuddling, kissing, making food for each other, long drives in the car, being alone with my lover, sleeping in each other’s arms and everything it was about our relationship. As I try to blur it out, it seems like I get a little bit more lonely each day. I know I shouldn’t be with this person anymore and I know that I’ve been in love alone for a long time and I’m still trying to shake off that love but the little bit that is still there sometimes comes to the front and I miss everything about what I had with this person. I don’t feel like I can fill this void and I don’t know what to do about it but occasionally she’s a few tears. I’m praying and trying to get my life right and I’m still stuck in this spot. I wish I could just turn it off but I can’t. Im hoping that love will find me again unexpectedly but everything in life is possible so I’m scared of love finding like it did last time because of how it is right now. I can only vent here because only a few people will see but I need to get it off of my chest without the other person seeing. I might just need to go out one night alone. Maybe to see a show, maybe to bar, maybe to a dance class, take a trip alone, idk. I just wish I was not still in love like I am still, because it’s hard. It’s also hard knowing that I am the reason this person stopped loving me because I just can’t seem to learn how to leave situations alone to people who need to handle it that way. Our life values are very different and that’s pert of why we had to break up. It’s definitely not easy and I’m a happy person but at the same time, very lonely. I love my (now) friend as a friend more than I love them as a lover but I miss it very much and I just feel like crying because I was ready to go for better or for worse with this person but I can’t now so I have to deal with this empty feeling haunting me. It’s crazy how someone can change your life and suddenly you have to go back to life as it was and it’s not easy at all.
why can’t I have the pretty kind of depression. Why do I have the, ugly, bloody, no energy to get up or shower or do basic hygiene kind of depression, the fazing in and out of reality, feeling meaningless and useless, kind of depression. Why the fuck can’t I at least be normal. Why can’t I be normal. What is so wrong with me that I can’t be a moderately happy, skinny cishet person