Hillarious - Tumblr Posts
So. I was bored at my house and then this brilliant idea came to me. Why not tell people on the internet about my chaotic and hilarious birth story (in parts 'cause it's really big). SO HERE WE GO!!!
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PART I:
It was May of 2005 and my mom was on her 8th month of pregnancy.
I don't know if you are aware but on a religion of african origin called umbamda, on the month of May they celebrate one of their numerous gods that is called San Jorge.
The way they celebrate it is eating a meal named feijoada. That is basically a main dish made of brazilian black beans and various parts of the pig.
Anyways. My grandmother was organizing the event for the party so she asked my mother to do the feijoada. After a while on the kitchen when she was done she had a brilliant idea.
She wanted to eat it.
PS: she wasn't supposed to since it is a heavy meal and pregnant women aren't allowed to eat heavy meals.
But she just threw these instructions out the window and ate 5 plates of it. Not one or two. SHE ATE 5. That is why I came a month earlier than the doctor said I would.
Surprisingly, she didn't got sick right after. Just in the middle of the night at 3a.m did she felt something. And right before my mom started a shower. . . The water bursted.
My grandma came on the door and when she saw what had happened she immediately changed clothes and got the documents.
The chaos started with my aunt calling a family friend to come pick mom up because she was going into labor. My father suddenly appeared at the door and asked if he could come. And my mom saind no.
So, yeah. My father didn't present my birth because my mother didn't allowed him to. They didn't have bad blood or anything. She was just on a lot of pain and screamed what came to mind. And he obviously wasn't going to try to ride the dragon at that moment.
When the car finally arrived my mom and my grandma entered the back seats and told their friend tp drive to a hospital. But guess what. HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE.
They had to guide him through the streets so I wouldn't be born on the back seat of a car.
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This is the part one and I will write part to soon. See you again when I'm bored. Bye
I AM BACK. How are you? Have you drank water today?
Anyway. I'm continuing the story of my birth so take seat.
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PART ||
As previously said the man didn't know where the hospital was and my mother and grandmother (mainly my grandmother) had to give him instructions on how to get there.
Every time my mother would have a contraction she would squeeze the front seat so she wouldn't shout instead and when she did this he would look back to see if she was okay.
Every time she had to slap his head and say "Look at the road! Do you want me to die?!". After a good 30 minutes they finally arrived at the hospital and while the man was parking the car my grandma took my mother to the hospital door and said "Wait here. I'm going to get someone to get you inside."
After my grandma left an officer came up to my mom and asked her what was her age was and she replied 21. He then said "You can't enter with your mother because you're not underage. " And then: havoc happened.
She grabbed him by his coat and shouted "You're not even crazy to let me go inside alone you bastard!!!" My grandma came on a good hour because at that point I don't doubt that she would slap an officer in the face.
They got inside, my mother was resting on the bed and a nurse cane in. But this nurse had a peculiarity with her: she didn't have one of her arms. I know that she probably have had special training to do her job right but at moments as stressful as these you never look on the bright side.
So when that nurse came in the only thing my mother could think was "If my daughter is born here. HOW IS SHE GOING TO TAKE HER?"
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Well. I will see you soon again with the last part of this history.
Bye
Hey. I know it's been like 4 months since I've last posted but I hava a good reason.
.
.
.
I just wasn't in the mood.
Oh well, it happens. Anyways let's continue the history of my chaotic birth.
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PART III - FINAL
As my mother did force for me to come out the nurse suddenly yelled "Don't do that! That isn't a doctor here!" My mother stoped and my grandma started an argument with the woman as to how there isn't a doctor on the hospital.
After about five minutes of them just yelling at each other a doctor came in looking like he haven't slept in weeks. He analyzed my mom and then told her "You need to get to the surgery room right now or this child will come out here. Go to room number 5."
My mom just jumped from the stretcher and ran trying to find room number 5. The nurse told her she couldn't get there with her clothes on and she just threw her clothes on the nurse's face.
So imagine the following scene: a 21 year old pregnant woman walking completely naked on the hospital corridors trying to find the place she should be in.
I know. Not something you see everyday.
So after a while of searching and the contractions getting worse she saw a stretcher bearer on the end of the corridor and just yelled "WHERE IS ROOM NUMBER 5!!!" And him being completely in shock by the situation he encountered himself in just pointed and said "It's right there." She thanked him and ran to the surgery room.
When my mom arrived she immediately lied down on the stretcher and waited for the doctor who arrived right after with the surgery team at his toes.
As he entered my mother was already with her legs spread and he said that unfortunately they didn't have anesthesia to give her and she said "I don't care just take this child out of me!"
The labor went well. I was born by normal delivery after 3 tries and my mother recovered well after that.
Oh and my grandma would keep an eye on me on the nursery because she was afraid someone might try to kidnap me.
She watches too much soap operas.
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Anyways that's it. The chaotic history about the day I was born. See you again soon (I hope). Bye😘
Witchy Art Challenge part 6 A book of shadows. Mainly plant information and note cards of spells inside