Hey What If I Just Wail - Tumblr Posts
massive orv spoilers incoming
anyways it fucks me up rereading the scene where kdj and co meet the oldest dream for the first time. just. the raw emotionality of kdj looking at himself, that traumatized teenager and seeing the abuse that litters his body, the way he’s far too small for a child his age (probably malnutrition), and just silently walking up to the boy, to himself, and pulling out a sword to cut him down. The first thing he says to his younger self is that he’s a monster, that they’re both monsters. Not only that, kdj is desperate to kill the oldest dream, he literally doesn’t even hesitate to try and stab the blade into his own neck. The company literally has to hold him down to make sure he doesn’t kill himself.
And then secretive plotter comes out and kdj becomes resigned. He thinks that above all, sp is the one person who has earned the right to kill the ancient dream above all. Except sp doesn’t. He looks at kdj and sees just how hurt this child is, how the entire world turned his back on him, and ways of survival was the one thing he could cling to to inspire him to keep going. The 999th round companions see it to, they see that their tragedy was not done for someone’s sick amusement, but the unintended side effect of one child’s dream, fueled by a desperation that fuels the universe to keep watching them, pushing them to fight on and on. The most omniscient and powerless existence, crying for help all alone. They see that and the understand, they forgive.
But kdj cannot fathom that forgiveness. His mind so utterly rejects it that he assumes sp and everyone are just being swayed by the will of the story- because how could anyone who when through what they did forgive the cause of it all? He weighs his trauma against sp’s, the tragedy that lasted for a “mere” 10 or so years, the tragedy of one lifetime against sp’s thousands, and to him, his sin far outweighs any other factors. He starts getting desperate again, desperate for someone to see that no, he has to die to absolve himself of his so called crime.
Only the people he feels he has wrong have long forgiven him. The tragedy is that kdj hates himself far too much to even comprehend why or how. He sees the light return to ancient dream’s eyes, carried by the characters who saved him for so long and are saving him now, the smile on sp’s face that shines in liberation, and he cannot understand.