Even If It's Just Onee - Tumblr Posts

I’m Here. We’re Here.

Pairing: Castiel x Reader

Song: Touch- Sleeping at last

Warnings: TW! Mentions of self harm! Swearing. Angst.

An: I know that this is a Doctor Who blog but I had this dream a long time ago and I can't stop thinking about it. It. It helped me so much and the funny thing is was that I wasn't even that much into Supernatural. I was just a casual fan. God I'm rambling again. I just hope that this will help someone out there like it did for me. And if this gets popular enough maybe I'll do both DW and Supernatural on here. And I’m sorry that it’s a bit short. 

Oh god I fucked up. I’ve fucked up big time. Stumbling out of the bathroom I fall to a heap on the floor, my back slamming against the wall as I breath in deeply. I thought I was done with this. I was doing good. So fucking good.

My legs sting as I run my hands across my thighs that burning sensation dulling my senses even more. The only focal point I have in this too dark a place. I draw my legs in close and cross my arms over my chest. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” With each word I smack my head against the wall anger bubbling up from my chest and spilling out past my abused lips. Screaming into the silence that no one else was there to break.

No one else there to help pull me out from the darkness I was drowning in.

It was so fucking stupid. So fucking stupid that I fell back on old habits. I knew I shouldn’t be beating myself up like this but God. 

It was so fucking stupid.  

My body trembles as I try to breathe. My chest heaving as if though I had just ran a marathon. 

Sam and Dean weren’t here and wouldn’t be for hours to come. And I wasn’t about to call them just to talk about feelings or make them worry about me. It wasn’t a good reason for them to be concerned and I would feel to guilty to drag them into my mess.

As I hold my trembling hand into the light flooding from the bathroom I felt myself break. The light didn’t reach into the little corner I shoved myself in and it hit all to close to home.

I scream again.

And again.

And again.

I cry out into the night like a lost child looking for their mother. And maybe I was. Who the fuck knows. Maybe I was just calling out to anything that would hear me. Anything that would make me feel something other than anger.

At some point I stop screaming and rest my head on top of my knees and close my eyes. Listing to the quiet. I was tired. A heavy weight settling itself atop me. Pulling me down further than I already was.

“Y/n?” I pull into myself further and curse silently. “Y/n what’s wrong?” I felt Cass lay his hand on top of my head and I jerk back. Wincing when my head smacks against the wall behind me. His eyes grow wide when he see’s me. I more than likely look a mess. Eyes puffy from crying and trails running down my face from the tears. I know I bit to harshly on my lip at one point. My skins probably blotchy as well. It always does that when I get to upset.

“Y/n?” He tilts his head as his voice grows soft. I almost start crying again. Cass is on one knee in front of my. The light illuminating a halos light behind him. He almost seems to glow. And sure enough he’s on the right side of the light. 

I pull back when he reaches his hand out again. I didn’t want him near me. Not now. Not in the dark.

“You can tell me. You know. Or do you want Dean and Sam instead?” I shook my head no.

“I fucked up Cass. I fucked up big time.” There was no use hiding it from him. He could read me like an open book. He sighs and grabs my hand.

“No. You didn’t.” I came out of my tight shell and got up on my knees so I could look him face to face. 

“Yes. I did.” I swallow thickly as my voice threatens to give. My throat sore and scratchy making it hurt to talk. “I wanted to feel something more. And I fucked up. I fucked up badly and I can’t make it go away. No matter what I do. It won’t go away!” I smack my hands against his shoulders and fall back. Sitting on my heels as I begin crying anew.

Burrying my face into my hands I curl in on myself. I felt ashamed for crying in front of him. Oh god who wouldn’t? He was an angel of God. A man who has been alive since before Earth was even a thought. He has seen and done many terrible things. 

What i’m going through now must seem so. So trivial. 

“Stop.” Almost a whisper. His fingers rest underneath my chin and oh so gently lifts my head up to look at him. His eyes grew sad as they looked at me. 

“Whatever you are telling yourself right now. Stop.”

“I-” He cuts me off with a furious glare.

“No. I know you and I know what’s going on in your head right now. And I know I’m not good with human emotions. Much less ones like your. But I do know what you’re telling yourself right now isn’t real. It isn’t you, y/n.” He brings his fingers up  and presses them against my head.

My body shakes as warmth floods through. Fading away and leaving me a little less hollow. Cass cups my chin an runs his thumb just beneath my eyes. Getting rid of the tears.

“It’s hard now. I know. And I won’t lie an tell you that it’s going to be easy. Because its not. But I want you to know that you are worth much more than you think. You are here on this Earth for a reason. And it wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t.” He pulls me in close and wraps his arms around me. I was to stunned to say or do anything.  

I was touching the light.

I.

“I’m here for you. Were’re here for you.” Cass runs his hand up and down my back before pulling away. “Don’t you ever forget that. Don’t you dare ever forget that again.”