Conflicting Feelings - Tumblr Posts

I have no idea how to feel

Well my abusive alcoholic father died, he was found recently. I feel sorry for his cat, we have no idea how long he’s been dead. My mom’s a wreck, kinda regressed back to when she left him, an emotional mess. My brother doesn’t know how to feel right now, but he’ll probably become a mess sooner or later. It looks like I’ll have to take care of things since my brother lives on the other side of the country and my mom is a mess and his sister can’t do anything because my brother and I are alive.

Truthfully, I don’t really care that he’s dead. Long before i left my parents house, i had stopped viewing him as my father and simply hated him for how he continued to treat my mom, brother and I. When i left he would constantly show up at my work and harass me, for a while he would blow up my phone until i got enough evidence on him for a restraining order and blocked him. When my mom and brother left him, he got worse. He almost got my brother fired, he got his family to harass my mom with him. Recently, my brother moved away to get out of his reach. I think that, and the realization that he would never get my mom back and the fact that he knew I despised him, it kinda lead to him just giving up and or getting even more desperate for our attention. He stopped taking care of himself and he turned the abuse on his sister and niece who were bending over backwards to keep him up. It even got so bad that he even told us that his brother died, when my aunt from my mom’s side who had been keeping in contact with him, asked his niece about it and to say sorry for your loss, she said that her mother was talking to the supposedly dead brother on the phone. Oh as a further kick in the teeth, at least to his niece, he said that his situation was worse than his niece, who’s daughter was brutally murdered in front of her. His wife and children leaving him because he treated them like garbage, was worse than having your child murdered in front of you.

So, as much pain it brings my family that he died, i know it’s good that he’s not still around. He’s not hurting anyone any more. But i also feel bad for my family, they still had feelings of love for him. I don’t understand it, but i get that they feel loss and even survivals guilt.