Colby Rants - Tumblr Posts
Christmas Shoutout!
Alright, it has been a crazy week and I am half awake and tired from spending time with my awesome family so this might be a lot of nonsensical rambling but here goes something!
Getting pulled into the Undertale fandom is the best dang thing that has ever happened to me.
Before I start I will say that I am a social mess, social anxiety and autism and even the idea of approaching people online was more often than not too much for me to consider. My circle of friends was very tiny, with maybe one person outside of family who I’d talk to on any sort of regular basis.
(note that there are NSFW blogs about to be tagged, so click with caution and please don’t get these awesome people in trouble.)
I got drawn into the fandom by all the amazing fanart, comics, fanfiction. I gradually found myself deeper and deeper in the fandom, lurking and not talking to anyone as was usually the case.
I saw @soloshikigami streaming a game of undertale one night, and it was a rare night the anxiety wasn’t to bad and I figured “hey, why not, I’m not doing anything else tonight” The plan was, again, to just lurk silently. I ended up chiming in on the conversation, and... everyone- EVERYONE there was kind and welcoming. It was a small group, but that helped because frankly if it had been larger I would have likely been too shy to approach.
In time I met more and more people by joining in various streams. The more we talked, the more I realized that... there was never anything to be afraid of. It’s kinda, I dunno, seeing the amazing things a person can do makes it hard to remember they’re ordinary people who would welcome a random hello?
Shoutouts to @famoussmuggler and @queenofbiscuits, I believe the two of you were some of those amazing people I met in stream and you are both always a joy to chat with! Smug, I love your art and fanfics and the ideas for not-yet-started projects and Rosa I have to thank you for putting the idea for Angel UF sans in my head (I’m pretty sure it was you- I do not trust my own memory to keep these facts straight).
And next- @purrfecktlysinful. You are an amazing writer! I found Solo’s blog through yours, but I also absolutely fell in love with your Reborntale fic. It’s thanks to you and Solo that I started really doing fanart, and...I forgot what else I was going to say on this but you’re both awesome and inspirational and I can really picture the scenes vividly from the way the two of you write. And Purr I am so happy I got to know you because you are an amazingly sweet and kind person and wonderful friend and thanks to you I’ve met even more amazing people!
@nsfwsinningsans, Ganzy you are aggressively nice and I love that about you. (also your art is awesome and you are adorable <3) @accidentalfeelfest, I don’t care what you say you’re writing is good and I hope you keep at it! @inayuri, it has been wonderful getting to know you in Discord along with everyone else there and goodness my mind is scrambled eggs and I know I’m gonna miss tagging a ton of people but
I just, everyone, I cannot begin to say how happy I am to have met so many wonderful people and made so many amazing friends. I was a very lonely person, I’m thinking I didn’t even realize how much I used to isolate and distance myself from people before. I’ve actually noticed a difference, hanging out with family for the holidays this year. I’m actually talking to people, I’m actually interacting
I’ve initiated hugs and physical contact. It might not sound like much but for me, I’m autistic, I’m touch-sensitive, I have to be a certain level of comfortable with a person and situation in order to be okay with touch. I was never a touchy feely person even with family. But now... I hugged my sister, my cousin, and my uncle today, and I’m just... I’m so happy. Because here’s the thing- I’ve always wanted hugs, I was just always too... intimidated by the idea of them?
What I’m trying to say is y’all have helped me to build social skills that I sorely lacked and I am very grateful for that.
ALSO HOLY COW ALL YOU FOLLOWERS how are there so many of you I’m used to sitting in my dark little corner being unnoticed on the internet how can there be so many people liking my silly little doodles. (on that note those of you waiting for the comic to update- it’s delayed this week due to the Christmas rush but it’s close to being done. Thank you to everyone who has commented saying they like it and asking for it to continue- such things fill me with determination!)
Happy 2017!
2016 was a crazy year. And despite the deaths of some very talented people, the whole american election fiasco, at the end of it all 2016 was a pretty good year for me.
At the start of the year I was still in culinary school, with the final classes being the most intensive by far. Doing 40 hours a week in a proper professional kitchen as an intern was by far the biggest hurtle, and while I learned a lot...never again. Ooooh never again. It’s an experience worth having but not one I wish to repeat. Around the same time my uncle got married, and I was enlisted to do the cake. The chef I was working under gave me some useful pointers for the task, and even supplied the styrofoam for the fake bottom tier. Everyone really enjoyed themselves at the wedding, my uncle and his new wife are both really geeky and both sides of the family are strange and more open minded- it was a lot of fun.
I graduated from the pastry program with honors. The day before the graduation ceremony I put my foot through our back deck. I bruised my entire calf, but escaped without serious injury. My mom likes to remind me I’m lucky I didn’t break my leg.
Then it was full circle to the reason I went to school in the first place... trying to find a job. This was a very difficult process. I do not do well in job interviews, I get too nervous and don’t really know how to answer many of the questions they tend to ask. Not to mention I’ve never felt highly of myself, so when they ask something like “what makes you a better option for this position than other people?” I just kinda break down because there are a lot of people more skilled and talented out there I’m not about to say you can’t do better I don’t know who else is applying. It was a lot of ‘not enough experience’ and ‘it’s good but we need someone who can work faster’ or the quality being JUST below the mark... really just a lot of things that made those already present voices in the back of my mind louder. In the end, my mom (who started joining me in the job hunt because she was tired of working in real estate) got hired- and managed to convince the manager to give me a chance. I started working as a cake decorator. The day I drew a dinosaur on a cookie cake it dawned on me that this was all I ever wanted- to get payed for doodling cute stuff all day.
I’m really happy as a decorator and I very much want to keep decorating cakes and cookies and stuff, but... it is stressful. I won’t go into detail but long story short I eventually realized I was long overdue for a talk with my doctor about my mental health. I’ve been diagnosed since I was in fourth grade, but, we never really found anything... useful? For dealing with my anxiety and, well, the breakdowns that occur if I hit a certain level of stress. If I’ve learned anything in my adulthood, it’s that trying to pretend I’m okay and not talking about issues (because other people have enough problems without me adding my own to the mix) it... really only did more damage in the long run. I’m still learning how to talk to people and catch myself when I tell people I’m fine when I’m not. I had a few good heart to heart talks with my dad too- in the past I don’t think he really understood (or rather, accepted?) the whole mental-health concept in general... but I think he kinda realized that, we have very similar issues. I brought up that I think I get my autism from him, and surprisingly he agreed. And there’s just, a new level of understanding there, and it’s nice. I’m taking steps to better manage my anxiety and stress at work, and things are hopefully going to get better on that front.
But really most of all, I’ve made friends this year. I gushed about this already at Christmas but I will say it again, finding the Undertale fandom and getting to know the people here has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I struggle to meet people, I’m generally too nervous to interact with people even online. I liked to draw but had grown used to the idea that people weren’t interested in what I liked to draw, or the stories I tried to write. I’m repeating myself but I didn’t realize how lonely I was before I met everyone, and I just... I never knew having friends could be this nice. I never knew making friends could be so simple.
I just... I felt nothing, when I graduated. It didn’t feel like anything had been achieved. People congratulated me but... I dunno. I wasn’t happy. I got a job, yes, good, I needed a job! I want to work and feel like more than a lazy mooch- I need to be able to pay off student loans! I was thankful to get a job. But, I wasn’t happy. Because what I’ve always really loved doing was telling stories and drawing and I dreamed of making a comic one day- but... nobody ever showed interest. Good, not great, could be better. I’ve attempted several comic projects in the past, every one of them puttered out because nobody else was ever interested. There was never any feedback. But now... I met wonderful friends, wonderful TALENTED people who are inspiring and for the first time in a while I’m drawing a lot of fanart. I have a comic project going (fully unintentionally I’ll have all of you know, this thing was supposed to be just one page.) and for once there’s actually feedback, people care about what’s going on in the story and...and...
I found the Undertale fandom, got sucked in, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m able to be myself without being shot down for being annoying, or too loud, or being confused. This community is just so accepting and positive and...as I mentioned last time being a part of this community has really changed me for the better. I’m becoming more social, less reclusive, and I’m happy. I’m happy and while these past few months have been a whirlwind of things going really well and really shit at the same time I just, I’m looking forward to this next year.
Here’s to new friends, no matter what happens in 2017 I’m confident that it’ll be great because it’ll be spent in good company. I’m going to try to make it to my first convention this year- as someone who often does poorly in crowds it shall be interesting to see what happens there.
Goodness, just, all of this.
Positive reinforcement goes a long, long way. I was one of those kids who loved to draw, but... it was just never good enough to impress the people I wanted to impress. And there was always someone more skilled, and I remember just, quietly hanging back and wondering what it was that I was doing wrong. Over time I came to the conclusion that no matter what, I’d always be just short of making the mark for anything of decent quality.
Honestly even now, while I don’t consider my own art as bad, I still feel like it doesn’t quite hit the mark for quality. But I’ll say this, having the friends I do now- people who are positive and supportive, who genuinely like each others work and cheer each other on- that has made a huge difference. And more than just that- I’ve started to see other artists get inspired by my work- and goodness I will GLADLY cheer any and all of you on.
“But you’re so talented, why can’t you just believe in yourself more? Why don’t you see what I see?”
To this amazing and talented person, who is so full of talent and creativity. Don’t let others poison you. You’re beautiful. You’re a fighter. You’re a creator. You have reason to be proud. I believe in you.
Found myself in a bit of a funk this evening (thankfully, I have good friends to help reassure that yes, everything is actually getting better). Growing up, I had very few friends. Possibly one of the worse things to have happened to damage my limited social abilities was when I got held back a year in second grade (not due to poor grades, but because "I wasn't mature enough"). Before being held back I knew all my classmates and considered all of them friends. When I got held back, I knew nobody. Didn't even have the same teacher. Everyone already had their set friend groups. ...I saw one of my old classmates in the hall and said hello. They acted like they didn't know who I was. I'm still learning to let go of the poor lessons I learned as a kid, and goodness it still amazes me how many people I meet who are genuinely good people.
*tightly hugs you both*
Seriously though, just, all of this. I struggle with these kinds of feelings a lot too, honestly I still don’t think to highly of my own abilities but the fact that other people enjoy my work helps greatly. Honestly any positive reaction is a pleasant surprise.
Growing up was very stressful for me. It wasn’t that I had a bad upbringing, but rather that dealing with my various mental health issues has just been difficult. Heck, I didn’t start getting treatment for my depression and anxiety until this year! They didn’t just suddenly appear I have struggled with both since I was a kid. Years of being told I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I was lazy, when really I was trying as hard as I could.
Being told you’re not even trying when giving it your all... then getting better results and praise when you barely try at all... makes it feel like any effort at all just isn’t worth it. It was like the more I tried to make something that I thought was good, the less people liked it. School was hell, especially middle school. I was made fun of for not being athletic and due to my communication issues and the fact I struggled to get homework done, well my classmates pretty much thought I was stupid and the teachers shoved me into the classes with all the “problem” students who disrupt class which in turn made actually learning anything in class more difficult. Then, the stuff I was good at? Drawing, coming up with stories, people made fun of that too.
I genuinely felt like I wasn’t good at anything. Sometimes I still feel like that. That no matter how hard I try it will never be good enough.
If I had talked to someone back then about these feelings I could have gotten help sooner, but I never thought my problems were severe enough to warrant asking for help. I was just “oversensitive” and “had to learn how to deal with it”, I had trouble voicing my problems and the fact that most crying fits just got dismissed by those around me didn’t help. I would break down and wind up huddled against a wall in tears on a near daily basis when I was in school. Nobody ever said anything to my parents. The other kids learned to just ignore me and the near daily mental breakdowns earned me the reputation of being a manipulative faker. Nobody around me took my emotions seriously, therefore they must not be important, so... I got into the habit of just, letting my feelings take a back seat to what I thought needed to be done and happen.
I never told my mom that I hated the after school program because I knew the reason I was there was because both my parents were still at work, I put their work hours above my mental health and needs. I thought I was stronger for it at the time.
I think I trailed off topic there. But, yeah, I still think of myself as a pretty ordinary and unremarkable person. Sometimes less than that, but it’s getting better. Having supportive friends to talk to is a huge part of that, and with a lot of them being fellow creatives it also allows for the sharing of ideas and advice and tips, which is a lot more fun that daydreaming ideas alone. (I did that a lot growing up, it’s really nice to have people to share them with who are actually interested!)
The Art of Self-Depreciating
I feel the need to explain a little something about self-depreciating commentary, and while I can’t speak for the others, I think creative people tend to have this… condition.
As you see, I call it an art. Again, I cannot speak on the behalf of others, but for me, it’s become a habit if not a way of life. I feel that unless you happen to have a particular personality, maybe get in with the right group of friends at the right time, happen to have a style that’s widely accepted from the get-go, your first experiences showing your talents have more negative than positive effects.
Not only were my writing interests (sci-fi and fantasy, mostly), a bit odd at the time, but the fact that I did have trouble expressing myself verbally and my reading and writing was too advanced at the time to express myself there either, I learned really quickly that in order to emotionally survive, it was best to downplay my abilities. Couple that with an older sibling who needed all attention on them, and allowing a lot of attention to be given to the younger (who was the only boy in a household of girls), being shuffled into the background and trying to be the one who was always okay, well, you get a recipe for someone who used self-depreciating as a way of life.
Modesty also has a hand in it. I took childhood stories, fables, and fairy tales maybe a little too seriously. I believed in their lessons, and hell, I still do. Anyone who boasted too much, was too proud of themselves, something horrible always happened to them. I kinda wished some adult back then would have told me that there’s no reason to hide or downplay my abilities and that there was a difference between celebrating your talents and being a braggart. I needed that My Little Pony episode with Trixy back then XD
So, much like other quirks of people who suffered from past experiences (a lot of victims of abuse are always apologizing, for example), self-depreciating just became a habit, a gut reaction, a way of life, a way to survive. That’s my personal take on it, and perhaps others can look into themselves and figure out why they do it, too. To those of you out there, our amazing friends and followers who don’t see why these lovely, talented people are so hard on themselves, please be patient with us. There is usually a reason behind it, and usually we are still trying to heal, so please keep being awesome to us - you don’t have to go overboard, but the assurance that our talents are meaningful helps, and hopefully, one day, we will begin to believe it ourselves.
Holy shit just, this.
So there is a moment that just, has stuck with me.
I was chilling at my mom's office, back then my aunt worked with her too, waiting to meet a friend so we could get lunch and catch a movie. My aunt asks me when my friend is planning on showing up.
It dawns on me. I have no clue. I truly, honestly, did not know. I said as much. I don't know.
My aunt got FURIOUS at me, yelling at me for being rude and disrespectful. And. The answer wasn't about to change. I can't give information I don't have.
I hate that it happened. I was in tears. And she's still like that. Doesn't grasp my mental health quirks, treats me like a child. Dismisses my emotions. And I just don't understand why not knowing something suddenly makes me "rude".
GOD I found another article about why ADHD kids say “I don’t know” so much. my entire childhood was getting yelled at for doing some ADHD shit and me not being able to offer an explanation when asked why I did something.
I am sad to report that we had to say goodbye to our 15 year old cat, Mouse, today. We had him 13 years, he trained five dogs and Ruffles (the newest addition) was like a giant kitten to him. He was my buddy, our sweet boy, even if he did pee outside the litter box.