Blitzo Is A Train Wreck - Tumblr Posts
BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as "stable."
Blitz thought about this far too hard for far too long. The size and shape of the toy horses, the dedication to get twenty-five of them up there, the teamwork it must have taken--because no way that fucker had done that on his own.
It wasn't until several hours after hearing the joke that he got it.
"Hay, wait a minute! Stable? Fuck you!" he shouted at the lemon tree in his office, waving the piece of paper at it. "It was a fucking joke!"
-
Out in the front room, Loona raised her eyebrows and looked over at Moxxie and Millie. When the others just shrugged, no one really having any explanation for whatever the fuck Blitz was on about in there, she sighed and looked back at her phone.
Blitz could be heard cackling off and on throughout the day.
No one wanted to ask.
Do you feel like Stolas SA'ed you?
Blitz frowned hard at the person asking him this. He didn't know them, so it really didn't seem like any of their damn business. But all the same, they looked like they cared, and he had to believe they were coming from a good place.
"No," he said, his voice serious, firm. "It wasn't a great situation. It wasn't good for either of us. But even though it was... fucking terrifying at the end when I thought I was losing my business, when I was losing him, even though there were times that I just... felt like shit, like some washed up, reused, half-dried condom he happened to find amusing... that shit? That was on me. How I--fucking... how I fucking..." Blitz closed his eyes and dropped his face into one hand. "How I fucking feel is on me. It's more cause of my depression and trauma than him.
"Like, sure. Go for it, you could argue that with his position and his power, he had me at his mercy and could have done anything to me, that I never could have said No, that he could coerce anything out of me. But you weren't, you know. Fucking there. I was. That was my body on the line, my body in the bargain. And I can tell you this, Stolas never made me feel unsafe. I freaked out once, one time, because the way he touched me reminded me of... something I don't want to remember. And I was going to fucking press on, ignore it, shove that whole bullshit reactiony thing down.
"But Stolas noticed something was off. Stolas cared. More than I did. He put the brakes on. That fucker grabbed me up and just held me until I was breathing right again and it.... you can't... You can look at him and see a demon prince and say oh yeah, no, fuck that guy, he's not perfect, he did some questionable shit, and you can label him a monster.
"But you can't label him as my monster.
"You can't label him for me.
"Stolas didn't force me. He wouldn't. Nights with Stolas were probably some of the safest nights I've ever had. Some of the best. I was actually... you know... fucking happy with him. Even when it still scared me to even admit it to my fucking self. I could have walked away at any time and that bird would've let me. He probably would've gotten up, held the door, and reminded me in his," Blitz's voice cracked, "soft fucking voice," which he loved, God he loved that man's fucking voice, "that I could always come back. When I was ready.
"If you want to blame someone for a fucked up situationship, don't blame Stolas. Blame me."
How does Blitzø feel about Stolas' immortality? Has it troubled him?
Absolutely. It absolutely troubles him. It has kept him up at night, wondering:
Am I worth remembering?
and
Did I wound him so badly that he's going to have to carry this hurt for eternity?
Both of those things absolutely fuck Blitz up to think about, one a lot more than the other. He's already afraid of dying alone, we know that. Blitz is lonely, so painfully lonely, that he will do a lot of things he shouldn't if it means someone will hold him--will want to hold him--all while denying he cares at all. Because, you know. He's a dumbass. But more than that, the fear that he has given Stolas scars that maybe Stolas won't heal from for hundreds of years? That he has wounded the heart of one of the few (as he sees it) good, noble beings out there? Stolas is one of the only good people Blitz actually believes in. The thought that he has burdened him with grief, shame, or heartbreak, that Stolas may end up carrying ghosts of for all time?
That fucking breaks Blitz's heart. He doesn't want to be forgotten, but if it hurts Stolas more to remember him...? He hopes that one day, Stolas will forget.
how tf do you know so many birds
"I uh... you mean, like, how do I know... bird species? Like those fucking penguins and their bullshit language? Or like, know birds in Hell? Cause," fuck, why was he sweating? Blitz wiped at his forehead.
"Listen, fucker. Just cause I'm into horse shit doesn't mean I can't also like, really like birds. You fall in love with one gorgeous bird and suddenly that's it, they're all basically perfect and you love having them around and hearing their feathers rustle and like, like, fucking--birds of a fucking feather or something, alright?" Grumbling, he closed his sketchbook -- doodles of several smaller birds eating Paimon could clearly be seen -- and shoved it into a drawer.
"How do you not know so many birds? And what are you doing in my office? Here to steal my lemons, whore?"
cant believe this is the note we’re starting pride month with
It's not just the fact that Blitz and Stolas were having two completely different conversations at the end of The Full Moon. It's the fact that Blitz was the only one who realised this. At the very last second, he realised he wasn't having the conversation he thought he was, and he now has to sit with the knowledge of what Stolas was actually saying to him, and the weight of how Stolas must have interpreted his reaction.
Meanwhile, Stolas is still fully under the impression that Blitz understood what he was saying from the get go, and his reaction was completely genuine every step of the way.
They were both facing away from one another... And only Blitz looked Stolas' way.
How hard will you fight for your team and Stolas?
"Hard," Blitz answered, his voice a little flatter than usual. He was at his desk, arms loosely folded behind his head, boots on the desk with one ankle crossed over the other--a posture that might have looked relaxed if not for the sudden suspicion and heat in his eyes.
"Why? You wanna go? Cause I've got the time. If you want to threaten them, any of them, oh, I've so got the time."
Threatening him was one thing. Blitz was used to that. But the people he loved? The imp would abandon all self-preservation, all common sense, if it meant protecting them.
When you have to get your hot powerful owl boyfriend to intimidate a client ✨
Love? How could anyone love a washed up circus imp like you?
"What, you mean like Stolas and Vizzy? And Angel? Fuck you." Blitz waved his hand dismissively at the stranger, although there wasn't really any heat to his voice; he didn't sound upset, or even like he really disagreed with them.
"They might have chosen the wrong guy, cause I--am. The wrong guy. A walking piece of shit and we all know it. But, listen." Abruptly, he plopped down on the empty stool next to this person, scooting over closer to them. "It's not my call. Whether or not they get to love me. I thought, for the longest fucking time, I thought that I had some say in it. So it always felt like I was tricking people, if they gave a shit. It always felt like, like I was doing something, fucking... You know. Wrong.
"But that is why I kept pushing people away. That shit attitude. That somehow, because I didn't believe in myself, no one else could either. You know how fucking long it took me to figure that out? How fucking many people I pushed away and hurt before a light clicked the fuck on? It's--listen. Bud. Take my advice? One drunk fucker to another: don't decide for other people that they're right or wrong to love you. Just try not to be a dick about it."
He's immortal. You are not. He'll probably grieve for you till the end of time, you know. But that's immortality of a sort, eh?~
Blitz shook his head, expression hardening--because if he didn't steel himself now, his heart was going to break and he'd probably break right along with it. Frowning, he looked down at his drink, idly running his claws through the condensation on the outside of the glass.
"Yeah. Of a sort. If there ends up being any way to become immortal. To change. To stay with him. I'll do it. Cause that's--that's the ultimate way to hurt someone, isn't it? To let them love you so fucking much that they remember you forever, when there's nothing left of you but a couple pictures and maybe some unpaid taxes.
"I'm gonna try to be worth remembering. But what about you? Huh? Asking this shit, you--must have some experience with this kind of pain."
Will I.M.P torture a target if the client pays for it?
Yes and no.
Torture is a pretty big investment of time and a huge risk; to do it right requires a lot of intimacy (non-sexual), and a lot of time. The risk of someone coming to save the target, or avenge them, just goes up and up the longer they spend with them. Not to mention the risk of the target themselves getting free and doing some damage.
If the money was there, Blitz would do it. He has before. He struggles with it a lot--while he enjoys killing, the torture dynamic is harder for him to maintain, harder for him to enjoy. He is good at inflicting pain when it's necessary, but the drawn-out infliction of it, the head games, the destruction of the victim's hope? That fucks Blitz up.
If torture was really necessary, if IMP needed the money that badly, Blitz would take the contract, but fulfill it alone. He wouldn't want to risk Moxxie, Millie, or Loona on something like that. And it would be expensive--the longer he's there with the victim, the less time he has to go out and fulfil other contracts. So there's the expense of that, and then the ridiculous fees he'll add on just because he hates doing it so much. But if the client's pockets are deep enough?
Blitz is good at it.
Even if he hates it.
He's good at it.
Based on a conversation I had with @oversensitiveandoffputting I think that ironically, “Apology Tour” was the episode that fully convinced me that Stolitz was a relationship that could work in the long run.
Hear me out, because I know this is the episode where the state of Stolitz is the worst it’s ever been.
In every romantic relationship, you two will inevitably piss each other off and you might end up in an argument that ends badly. But after you two have said your piece how will you proceed? How will you treat them before you make up? Well “Apology Tour” gave me that answer.
Yes Blitz and Stolas opened the episode having a really brutal argument where the two of them, mainly Blitz, said a lot of hurtful and insensitive shit. But later in the episode at the Anti-Blitzo party, Blitz goes to talk to Stolas still trying to apologize even after Stolas publicly sang a song about how much Blitz hurt him and that he was “a motherfucker” (which honestly, good for Stolas, the bird needed a healthier outlet for his pain).
And when Stolas sees him, despite him being mad at Blitz, despite the fact that he is still clearly hurt by Blitz’s actions and words, and despite the fact that he is surrounded by people that would 100% be on his side if he were to expose Blitz, Stolas still tries to hide Blitz and warns him against exposing himself. Even when he’s mad at him, Stolas tries to protect Blitz.
And on Blitz’s end of things, Stolas is drunk off his ass and extremely vulnerable. Despite the fact that Blitz in that moment has the power to try to make Stolas feel worse about himself, despite the fact that Blitz is also extremely hurt by Stolas’s actions, despite the fact that Blitz could easily have chosen to leave Stolas to drink himself to the point of danger, he still chose to take care of Stolas in his drunken state and bothered to listen to what Stolas had to say and only left when Stolas asked him to.
Even when the two of them are mad at each other, confused as hell about how badly things ended, when they no longer have any obligation to each other, and are too wrapped in their own feelings to understand how the other is hurt, they are still looking after and caring about each other, even if only to the extent of ensuring things don’t go worse for the other person.
I don't know how to articulate how much this means to me because after seeing a lot of couples both fictional and in real life go through a rough patch, maybe even break up, and they proceed to treat each other just awfully because of their hurt, what Stolitz did is almost unheard of to me. They have no more obligation to each other, but they still chose to take care of each other when both of them were at their most vulnerable.
They didn't have to but they still chose to.
Now this in and of itself doesn't mean the two of them are ready to get back together. Blitz needs to unlearn his self-destructive habits born out of debilitating self-hatred, and he needs to learn that his -self-loathing will hurt the people around him because let me tell you, it hurts like hell when someone you love is determined to not accept that you care about them. And Stolas still needs to do a lot self-reflection on why his actions lead Blitz to believe that Stolas could not possibly care about him, because it also doesn't feel good when it feels like someone doesn't respect you enough to treat you like an adult.
However, the fact that the two of them still chose to be kind and attentive to each other in spite of their anger and the messiness of the situation, this tells me that when the time comes for them to have another conflict that frustrates them both, they will work to overcome it together.
They know how to have a good time together, but now they're figuring out how to have a bad time together, and honestly if this is how they treat each other when they are at their worst, I have a lot of hope for how they will handle conflict moving forward.
Cutest imp ever. No wonder the Prince fell head over heels for you
Blitz started to answer cheerfully, but then over-thought it. He was quiet for a long moment, then shook his head.
"I think maybe... maybe Stolas got really unlucky. Maybe he was, you know. So fucking lonely and neglected, and abused by that asshole of a wife, that he was ready to... I guess fall for the first person to be halfway kind to him? Which, I ain't complaining. I love him, too. Fuck, fuck me fucking dead, I love that pretty goddamn bird.
"But sometimes, I can't help wondering... is it fair, you know, to him? To be with me? When there are so many people out there who are... sweeter. Less damaged. I want him, don't get me wrong, and I'll never give him up until he wants me to. But still. It's hard not to wonder."
Hey Stolas,
I never asked u b4. Wut is ur favrit color? I olways think of u wen i see blue. And gray. And purpul. But wut do u lik most?
Luv u,
Blitzø
A quiet and cheerful tittering came from parted beak. Feathers lift ever so slightly, an indicator of the joy and fondness that coursed through the prince with the message. He response is swift and eager! Stolas wastes no time getting back to Blitzø.
Greetings Blitzy, The fact that you are thinking of me now makes my heart flutter with joy! All of those colors are apt; you have such a keen eye! I love most blues the most, and a very particular hue of red. Cool tones of blue and purple hold me close, but my heart and soul sing to that specific red. It's very dear to me! Love you with every beat of my heart, Your favorite bird, Stolas
Would Blitz ever want a royal status himself or be publicly known as being attached to a royal figure like Stolas? Probably not on that first one, but still...
Yes.
If it meant he could be with Stolas in a way that Stolas would never have to question anymore? Blitz would want anything.
Whatever Stolas actually needs from him as a partner, whatever is going to help him actually be there for Stolas this time--as a supportive partner, not a side-piece, not a secret--he'll do it. Maybe he's not entirely thrilled with the idea of becoming a royal, if that ends up happening, because he's pretty sure that means he wouldn't be able to continue with his killing business... but it would be worth it. Because as far as Blitz believes, no one has ever really been there for Stolas...
Least of all him. Obviously.
He wants to make that up to him. He needs to make that up to him. So if Stolas ever reaches for him and says stay, marry me, be mine, Blitz will do it. Besides, he knows Stolas won't have to live with him forever, obviously. His entire life will only be a blink in Stolas's lifetime, but he's gotten to the point where he realizes, he wants to find a way to be the best damn blink.
He wants Stolas to feel safe. To feel wanted. To not have to wonder, If not now, when? To know that he can have a partner. Someone always in his corner. Someone who will face everything with him--even if it means accepting a more public position, or a royal title, to get them there.
Any tips regarding cloacas? Given your experience in the matter?
Biltz blinked and actually looked up from his notebook, where he had been scribbling down the next chapter of his epic Goetian Royalty fanfic, As the Egg Turns.
"Wh... oh. Uh. I mean. Basically you just, you know. Treat them like any other genitals. First off, just ask how the person with the cloaca wants to be touched? If you're lucky, they'll know and feel comfortable and confident enough to tell you, and then you got it fuckin' made, all you need to do is be a good listener and follow directions.
"But obviously, not everyone is up for talking about what they want done in bed. Some people are fuckin' shy, or inexperienced, and there's nothing wrong with that. You just go slow and like, experiment. I mostly use my tail and my lips, unless I got my glove with me--it's a uh, custom-made silicone glove to fit this." He flexed his overly muscular hand and forearm. "Got some good claw-covers inside it, so I won't scratch them up, and it feels like skin on the outside. But if I don't have that, I don't use my claws, cause the uh, skin? Can be kind of delicate. And even if St--if uh, cloaca havers, don't get hurt easy? You never wanna assume it's okay to hurt someone in bed, or that they're tough enough to not get cut up by your claws.
"If you're not sure what to do with the person you're fucking, ask them. Experiment. And if neither of you know what to do? Remind yourself, people have been doing this shit since the dawn of time. Or, I guess, if angels are horny, probably before that? Don't sweat it. Go slow. Watch your partner for their reactions. And respect whatever feedback they like, give you, you know?
"Anyway, listen fuckface, I got a hot steamy Goetian orgy to get back to and people getting all up on my case for not updating this fic enough. Get outta my office!"
I rambled so much in the tags but also oh my god LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS ART IS!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!
We all were so scared of vassago but then the "better than blitz" guy showed up
I decided to try the proper spelling of his name and...
This How Are You in Bed quiz is trying to flatter Blitz... and it's working xD
If Blitz loves you? He loves you. I think this might be one of the most Blitz songs I know.