. Huge Hearts And 52-hertz. - Tumblr Posts

PHONING... 𓂃 ࣪˖ huge hearts and 52-hertz.

Regretting what had led you to this point in your life: you reach out to the one person you know would understand you and what you’d lost.

જ⁀➴♡ wc 4k ✧ angst , fluff , choi soobin x reader

There was a split second before the feeling caught the memory— a small haven of neutrality that was quickly followed by a headlong crash into recognition.

The crashing of the waves in front of you served as some sort of comfort, the moonlight bouncing off of the waters simultaneously reflecting the light in your heart as you waited anxiously with bated breath.

The light of hope that he would come to see you, despite the severed ties.

Your mind pulls him to the foreground like a snapped rubber band and you find yourself combing through all the memories you could gather as if they were slipping through your fingers with the passage of time.

And you think of the line he drew in the sand, both figuratively and literally.

The first time you had walked the beach together, there were things written in the sand. Things that you’ve since forgotten over the years but the memory of how your heart seemed to jump never wavered.

Now there was a line drawn that you can't seem to put a foot past, no matter how hard your mind tells you to fight against it.

Instead, you sat on the same beach you shared many memories on prior and found yourself tracing hearts in the sand yourself, only for them to be washed away by the waves that brush against your feet.

The night was just as cold as the water and you shivered slightly, pulling your knees closer to you. After the hearts were washed away for the third time, you decided to give up on them.

Did you ever give up on him? If you did, surely you wouldn’t be sitting where you were.

That line he drew like a tripwire, you found yourself afraid of the damage but you knew you couldn’t keep standing still as you watched the distance between you grow further and further.

The urgency in your voice must have been hard for him to miss because it wasn’t long until you heard the shuffle of footsteps in the sand and felt it being kicked up behind you.

The air was tense but you didn’t need to question who it was because the warmth of his heavy coat being placed on your shoulders and his familiar scent was answer enough.

And the world falls away and you're exactly where you were on the last night you saw him, when he had his hands in your hair and his chin on top of your head as he hugged you and he never said a word about leaving.

The silence then was much more comfortable than it is now.

“It’s a little late for a walk on the beach.” Finally breaking the silence, you didn’t bother to look as he sat down next to you. The distance between you felt excruciatingly farther than it had ever been before.

“Haha,” your voice was laced with sarcasm yet he still gave you a tight lipped smile.

It took everything in you to claw against the instinct to turn and look at him, knowing that the tenderness in his eyes alone would bring you to tears.

“You look different,” his awkward attempt to break the silence made you laugh and you rolled your eyes.

You knew that Soobin wasn’t usually one for emotional talks so his presence alone was enough to warm your heart.

It wasn’t that he didn’t feel things, but he preferred to stick to his own devices when dealing with his emotions.

He was very unlike you. Maybe that’s why things ended up how they did.

“You look pretty.” You were quick to swallow the lump in your throat and take in a deep breath, that familiar jump in your heart seemed to take the helm.

“How have you been?” Your voice came out quiet and defeated, for the first time in months, Soobin couldn’t pretend that he didn’t understand why.

It was difficult to be in a relationship and watch your partner go further and further in their own life while you felt stuck. The fact that time could never slow down for you— never afford you one moment of peace together where you didn’t have to worry about falling behind.

His heart broke for you.

“I’ve been… alright. Schedules keep me busy.” It seemed like he was proceeding with caution, almost as if he was scared his words would break you.

You laughed.

“You don’t have to hold back, I’m fine. I can afford to be sad without wanting to end it all, you know?”

The sigh of relief he let out didn’t slip past you and you shook your head, looking down at the sand. Stuck together through the wetness of the water but ultimately, it would be torn apart and washed away regardless.

“I’m glad.. you’re okay. I’m fine, too. I was just worried about you. We haven’t talked in a while and it’s really late to be out at night. You should be more careful.”

Finally you found it in you to face him. Before you could open your mouth, he continued.

“It’s not your fault we haven’t spoken. It’s mine.”

Your mouth closed and you furrowed your eyebrows together in confusion.

He wasn’t necessarily wrong, you had even felt that way once you realized he had begun to distance himself. There was never once a moment in your mind that you could find to excuse why he had begun to disappear from your life.

It just happened, as it always does.

“How’s the band?” He smiled at you again and suddenly the air felt new again.

“Good, they’re… good. They miss you too, you know. Beomgyu has been giving me absolute hell, talking my ear off. Says he misses his vacation partner more than I miss my ex.”

The word ex hurt to hear directly from him but it couldn’t be helped— that was the proper label for your relationship now. Reality had begun to sunk in and all of the time spent, all of the distance traveled ultimately led to that word.

You weren’t each other’s anymore.

“Yeah.” You let out a deep breath and turned back toward the waters, they seemed much calmer now.

“I’d give anything to be stuck on a plane with Gyu for a few hours again.”

Soobin raised an eyebrow at you and leaned back, his hands propped up behind him in the sand. “He’d just be asleep. It’d be a ride full of snoring.”

You shrugged.

“It’s the time spent together that matters.” He only hummed in response.

The two of you sat in each other’s presence for the first time in months, the first time without the lingering question of ‘what are we?’ hanging over your heads and just existed.

It was nice, until it wasn’t.

“How are you really, Y/N?”

The same way the memories of him and your relationship were tossed at you the moment your feet touched the sand, it felt like that rubber band inside of you had snapped again as you felt your eyes well up with tears.

You were quick to blink them away but Soobin had noticed the change of your breathing pattern and frowned.

“I swear I’m okay—”

“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

Frustration bubbled in you before you remembered that you had brought this upon yourself. The fact of the matter was, you wanted to tell him.

That small light of hope inside of you wanted to tell him how your life was going as you’d done hundreds of times before, and you found yourself praying that he’d hold you in his arms the same way he had before.

“I could sit here for hours, and detail every single worry and anxiety that I’ve had all throughout my life. I could go through every second of my life, and remember exactly where I felt what emotion, but no matter how in-depth I go I still feel like no one will ever truly understand me.”

The sudden confession had him sitting up and shifting his body to face you fully, a sign to show you that he was listening.

The small smile that spread on your face made his own heart skip a beat. You appreciated his efforts.

“I know that that sounds… super corny or that I’m trying to be mysterious but at the end of the day, I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand you and what you go through as much as you can understand yourself, you know?”

“Getting close to that feeling of understanding is very hard and… sometimes it feels completely impossible but when I’m with you, I find that I don’t have to worry about feeling understood. I just am.”

The urge to cry seemed to overtake you and a tear managed to slip past your defenses as you cleared your throat, straightening your posture with a deep breath.

Soobin’s hand twitched at his side as he debated on grabbing yours to comfort you.

The last thing he wanted was to give you any false hope, so he didn’t.

“And I know that you don’t like when people cry in front of you and you’re probably gonna make fun of me. You’re probably going to laugh but I think… I need to hear your laugh..? Just to serve as some strange reminder that you still exist.”

If it weren’t for your shaky breaths and confession, there was always a small chance that he couldn’t tell you were crying.

But when you turned to face him once more and the streaks on your cheeks were revealed by the moonlight, it was unavoidable.

“I exist.”

All he could do was echo the words back to you as you smiled.

Despite what the rational part of his mind was telling him from before, he found himself ready to reach out and grab your hand.

He only stopped when you had already brought yourself to hold his.

“I guess with time, I realized that you helped me deconstruct whatever weird, hatred and bitterness I had towards the world and slowly, without me even realizing it— you replaced it with love.”

During the course of your relationship, Soobin had learned everything there was to learn about you. The same was true for you, as well.

When you spend so many years together, completely inseparable, the slips of truth and peeks into your soul were inevitable.

To know someone so intimately, to become one and the same.

“I always felt like when you’d kiss me, whatever sickness was in me slowly washed away and all I felt was sweetness.”

The noisy song of cicadas served to fill the silence as you took the time to catch your breath.

There were a few thoughts running through Soobin’s mind and as he did his best to follow the thread you had given him to somehow find out what conclusion you were trying to reach, he found himself resonating with anything you said.

Maybe his love for you could make anything you say sound reasonable.

“I found myself wondering if I’d be able to keep that sweetness in me without you, or if I’d just become bitter all over again.”

Your voice wavered a bit with the hesitancy to be honest, as if you were somehow admitting to a crime.

Soobin found that sentiment ridiculous. You weren’t guilty of anything, you were just in love.

“That sweetness wasn’t from me, it was always in you.”

Maybe it was the night getting to you as your eyelids began to grow heavy, puffy and welled with tears you still fought to hold back despite your newfound exhaustion.

The gentleness in his voice, always prominent when he was with you.

“I know. I know that now,”

“And I know that everything is over, so saying that probably sounds cringey now, but it’s still true.”

“It’s not, I feel the same way.” When you locked eyes his smile wasn’t held back.

There was no hesitation in his voice and the worry seemed to melt away, all he held was that same look of pure love and adoration he always had.

And you love the way he looks at you. Shy and half-cocked as though he was caught off guard by your words, as if he was worried that the time had somehow erased all that you felt and this sudden reassurance was exactly what he needed.

You couldn’t help but smile too as you stared into his eyes. Neither of you could look away, you searching his face as if you could see his thoughts. As if he was retracing his steps to remember all the ways to make you smile.

Soobin had always said you reminded him of the sea and attached you to a metaphor you had never heard before, when you thought you must have heard them all.

The same way that he had become your forest, you had become his sea.

You wondered if someone had broke his heart once and since then he couldn’t bear to be apart from the ocean.

You realized now that it was just how things were meant to be for the two of you. A bit of foreshadowing. The truth that the sea and the forest were much too different to exist together.

The strangest thing was how the smallest things could wreck a ship— like a rock, or a wave, or a hairline crack in the hull.

He’d call you his sea and stars and he would say it tenderly as he traced circles into your skin, as though you could sink him.

“I can’t say that I’m glad it’s over because that wouldn’t be true. I would just be lying to you and I was never really good at that in the first place.”

The sincerity in his voice confirmed what you were afraid of— he still loved you as much as you had him.

“I love you. That love will always be apart of me.”

Everything felt unfair in that moment. The way that happiness always seemed just out of reach— the unbearable yet undeniable fact that you were completely and irrevocably in love with each other in every single way.

But life moves on.

“I wanted to be connected to you forever so I guess even though I feel angry now, I’m grateful I got to feel that way at one point in time.” Still hushed, your voice was much more firm now.

Maybe the new rush of confidence was from how final these moments felt.

Finally being with each other after so much time spent apart, it felt like the only opportunity you had left to say everything you could before he was inevitably whisked away to bigger things.

“Right person, wrong time. Huh?”

He flashed you a sad smile and you scoffed, pushing his shoulder in a teasing way as he dodged you, shuffling closer.

Your heart skipped again.

“You’re kind of a jerk for saying that when you know that I hate when people use that as an excuse for things,” you sighed.

“But I guess it’s kind of true in our case...”

The silence took over again as he continued to study your face. Marks and features he once knew like the back of his hand he was now studying all over again as if it was the first time.

“Sometimes I wonder if whales feel anger as much as they feel grief.”

This time, it was his turn to give you a confused look.

“Whales?”

You nodded and found yourself focusing on the distant sound of a plane passing by overhead.

“It’s well known that whales experience emotions just as deeply as humans. There was a story about a whale whose child died and it traveled throughout the sea, carrying its corpse with it.”

Soobin grimaced at the idea but continued to listen, simply for the fact that it was you.

“I guess I can’t really blame it… because even though it’s a pretty morbid idea that most humans probably couldn’t even fathom, at the end of the day, none of us really know how to process those emotions and sometimes we do things that are completely illogical to other people just to find a way to cope.”

“It’s the same way that things like religion seem completely nonsensical to people who don’t believe in them because at the end of the day we’re all grasping for something to believe in to keep us going. Some people are perfectly content never finding that… I want to be one of those people. Perfectly content, I mean.”

He stared down at your hands, your grip on his slowly loosening. It wasn’t until he realized this and rushed to lock his fingers with yours that you looked back at him.

“…I think I don’t wanna have to worry about anything. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like if I was just drifting away at sea, with no thoughts, and no worries. If I was completely alone and enveloped in the water and the waves, where the only thing that I could see for miles was the stars.”

Throughout your life, there was the constant knowledge of having a self, a heavy burden.

In everything there was a reminder: existence is immutable.

This reminder, with time, became more and more suffocating as you spent your years alone.

Burying yourself into school and work, all the way into adulthood to avoid the complete destruction that comes from existing.

Adulting and the weight on your shoulders that grew with the passage of time.

“But even though I want that I think at the end the day, I’d still miss you which is pretty scary.”

This existential loneliness and the desire to not exist was present in everyone’s life at some point and it could become overwhelming and almost unbearable.

You found, only in existing with other people could it become a bit more bearable.

Maybe running to other people for help was the easiest thing to do, or maybe it was what you needed to do to stay afloat.

After so many years of being alone, it was just nice to have someone to listen.

“You don’t have to miss me, I’m right here.”

“I’ll always be right here, even when you’re surrounded by the sea or the stars I’ll always come and find you.”

Always here, at the same place you had fallen in love.

Understanding him and the warmth that came from his reassurance didn’t help you stifle the giggle that you let out.

“You know that sounds pretty romantic when you say it, even though the conversation topic is pretty morbid.”

Now, he chuckled. “Nothing is ever really conventional with you though, is it?”

That was one of the things he found himself adoring about you and he would admit it a million times if you had asked him to.

Your mind was one of, if not, the most fascinating.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, something about whales helps me feel more. Maybe that’s why I’m here—“

Besides the beach being a special place for the two of you and your relationship.

“Maybe it’s their songs, even if I can't understand them... though, sometimes they can't even understand their own.”

“What do you mean?”

As he shuffled closer for the second time, the gap between you was officially closed. The closeness reminded you of the first time he had kissed you, nervous and stumbling. It was sweet.

You found yourself pulling your hand away from his.

A part of him felt dejected at that but it was quickly washed away as he watched you raise your hands and pull his coat tighter around you.

He smiled again.

“There’s this story about a whale that traveled throughout the sea, all by itself, crying and wailing and no one ever found it. No whales ever found it because the vibrations were too low that they couldn’t understand and so the Navy had heard it, but they couldn’t find it themselves. And then eventually… it stopped.”

The ending didn’t seem to satisfy him as he raised an eyebrow towards you, urging you to continue.

“What happened to it?”

“Soobin,”

You looked over at him and in that moment of silence, there was a mutual understanding.

“…Oh.”

Burying yourself into his coat more, you found yourself wondering if he was cold as well. Not that he showed it.

“…Anyway, he was probably was roaming all by himself and died alone because no one ever came to help him.”

Soobin brought his hand to rub his arm and you realized that he was, in fact, cold.

Bringing his eyes back from the water for only a moment, he caught you staring and gave you a small smile again.

You never understood how he could be so comforting in moments like this.

“I know that story is really depressing but when you think about it, I think we’re all a little like that. At the end of the day when you’re going through these things alone, no one else will really know.”

“I don’t want you to go through things alone.”

You frowned, “I know you don’t.”

“It’s not their fault that they can’t hear or understand but on occasion, sometimes there will be someone who can hear it… and they’ll try their best to come.”

He felt heat rise to his cheeks and for a moment he felt bashful, as if he was somehow caught in an embarrassing situation.

“I think you did that for me, because you’re here— and you’re here because you heard me…”

After a few moments of Soobin thinking your words over in an attempt to find the perfect response, you finally pushed yourself to stand up.

His coat fell off of your shoulders as you brushed the sand off of yourself.

Soobin scrambled to his feet, picking up his coat and you smiled at him.

As the two of you stood, you anxiously stared down at your feet in the sand as he brushed the sand off of his coat.

Without anymore words, you found yourself clinging to him, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.

He stumbled back a bit in surprise but was quick to wrap his arms back around you, dropping the coat, long forgotten, onto the ground.

The waves seemed to pick up again, washing up on the shore once more as the cold temperature hit the both of you.

Neither of you seemed to mind.

“Thank you for coming.” Your voice was barely above a whisper now as you spoke into his ear.

He placed his hand gently on the back of your head, holding you close.

And when he touched you back, you felt a lifetime of indifference—of apathy melt away in that single moment.

And you ached for him.

His touch was the never ending reminder that you would bleed for him until the day he is gone. And you will continue to bleed for him every day after that.

The time will always pass and you will feel robbed— and you will grow bitter. But the memories will always be so, so sweet.

“Thank you for calling.”

The rest of the night was spent speaking in hushed tones as if the rest of the world was somehow listening in on the two of you.

Secret moments that you would remember for the rest of your days spent with the man who had showed you what your heart was worth.

What you didn’t tell Soobin that night was that during the Navy’s ten day search, a new 52-hertz frequency sound was found. The same sound, from two different locations.

Two different whales traveling through the sea, singing the same song of anguish.

Despite never finding each other, it’s possible that they heard each other singing this song only they could understand.

And although they were lonely, they were never truly alone.

Even in the seemingly endless ocean, it seemed possible for life to evolve towards connection.

The story you would always go back to when you remembered your love for him. The love that you would always hold.

Your past is what made you, because what happened then is how you got to where you are now. Good or bad, it's still apart of you.

In the end, Soobin would always be a part of you.

Everything he had shown you in your time together. And even though it was over now, you would treasure it forever.

The calming feeling that he had given you, like a gift. The comfort that the immediacy of your existence doesn’t have to define you, in that moment where the two of you simply existed with each other.

Everything was in a constant state of becoming, people would grow and change apart from each other in a variety of ways. But in the end, the love that once was will always remain.

જ⁀➴♡ phone in ᝰ.ᐟ