Words-by-elliott - Elliott's Words

Wage slavery is weird.

Moreover it sucks, obv, but like, why aren't more people talking about this?

Went to work today and the general manager says to all of us, "yall this store is making so much money omg, make sure to give yourselves a pat on the back !!"

And am i the only one who thinks that's strange? Like ma'am this is a grocery store, none of us are ever going to see that much money, why should we care? Why should we be proud of that? It just seems insulting to rub that in the face of wage employees. I would think that they would try and avoid talking about it to keep peoples mind off of the money they would never have, but it's jist the opposite.

When i first started this job they had sat me down to talk. They showed me some jpegs of the CEO, and 2 other people at that corperate level. I'm never going to meet these rich white dudes why are we even doing this? Management then went on to tell me the average gross revenue for the store, as if that matters to me, and management talking about that in a training setting i understood. What i didnt expect was my fellow unsaleried wage workers to be talking to me about it. Talking about how much money the store makes, how smart the CEOs must be to make all that money.

I dissociate though work for a few reasons, but this is always something that pulls me back a bit. Just being reminded, yet again, of how much money some other people have, and how much i dont fucking care.

I got broken up with like..a week ago? A month? Atm it feels like yesterday.

There's a lot of layers of suck to this situation.

The reason things broke off was because im not the best and regulating my emotions. I have moderate to severe depression and anxiety. A lot of hatred and anger towards myself. I'm probably bipolar and a laundry list of other terms to say "im manic and that makes 'normal' functioning hard".

That being said, it was fully a good desicion on her part.

And ive been handling all this really well all things considered. We had a very emotional evening, then i found purchase in focusing on myself creativly. I became more aware of my anger than i ever have, and dispite the fact that it was directed inward, how that can still effect those i care about. Other relationships have strengthened i suppose. Ive become noticably more stoic.

But there's a few feelings i cant shake. An awareness that i haven't fully processed the loss of that relationship. An irrational anger that im handling this healthily? A tightness.

I want to scream for hours. Sob into her chest for days. She was so fucking good for me, and i fucked it up, because i wasnt good for her. Wrong time, wrong place i suppose.

A voice in me wants to self destruct. Just say fuck it, get wasted just to hurt myself. To validate the part of me that tells me im trash whenever it gets the chance.

And now, i have to go to work. At least that makes dissociating come naturally.

If anyone reads this, and you have someone who loves you, truly. Hold them. Hold them as tight and as long as you can. Because one day you may have to let go.

My heart's silent scream.

You've never heard it have you?

Do you understand?

Witness me my friend.

Years I've been crying for help.

Very few have heard.

You scroll far away

while I fester next to you.

"hey, look at this meme..."

Bet I have work this weekend but I'll be there this monday at 1pm but I have to get to a volunteer thing 20 minutes away by 2.

Do you wanna get sbarros?

let's get some greasy slices

please stay, even at my bad times>>