@thatmusicgeek22 My Thoughts E X A C T L Y

@thatmusicgeek22 My thoughts e x a c t l y

Today I am thinking about Alex Claremont-Diaz with the classic bisexual inability to sit properly.

When I am with you I forget who I am,

I am only who I can be.

And for a instant I do not mind being held.

For a moment existing is a pleasure,

For a moment I exist on purpose,

Not by mistake or on accident.

I don't know if all this wanting is supposed to have a point but I cannot help but give into it anyways.

If there is any greater joy in life than being desired by that which you too desire I do not know it. For what a miracle reciprocation is.

They tell me too many of my poems are about love these days, but they don't know that the kindest thing you have ever done for me is given me something else to write about

I don't know if you make me feel alive but you look at me like I exist, and I cannot help but marvel at the possibility that you might too recognize this phenomenon.

Sometimes I feel so ghost I am shocked that you are able to hold me outside of memory.

Sometimes when I cannot bear the bite of my own name on my tounge, I borrow yours.

Only for a while.

And I trust that you will not mind.

I trust that you will understand.

You always do.

~ If you told me that you loved me I would not believe you but it is still my only reoccurring dream

1.

if love is a wound

ours is still tender

still choking on its own blood

if heartbreak is a scar

ours is still scabbing

still

healing

still prone to breaking open

when your name blisters my tounge

when your memory skates across the surface

of my skin and tears away any knowledge

i have acquired on

how to summon the unbreaking

and i fight to recall how to heal again

and again

and

again

fight to recall

the will

2.

dawn spills over the brim of the horizon

trickles through my fingers

i try to stop the light from over flowing

into the basin of the sky

but I fail

each time again

and in this way I recall your leaving

every

morning

but it does not

stop

me

from

trying.

i am so

sorry

i miss

you

3.

tell me

when the raindrops fell at your feet

my dear

did they deliver every love note

i left scattered in the thunder clouds

for you

my mistress of liquid dreams and plenty

are you dripping in my

promises

yet?

(writing sensless lines until poetry comes back to me)

The silence in the aftermath of an apology is a conniving thing

Greedy for forgiveness

Pulling assurances from you before you are ready to give them

They say forgiveness is a small price to pay for peace

But the question is who's?

Is my clemency enough to buy redemption for 2?

Are your sorries enough to purchase you freedom from guilt?

And if I cannot find my peace without granting you yours too

Then so be it

A lie is a small price to pay for justice

I promise myself I will unforgive you

That I will unaccept the apology somehow

That the sorries you mail in cheap white envoples will be returned to sender

That the meager words you offered me that I swallowed for the sake of hospitality will not be digested

I tell myself your suffering is worth the cost of mine

That if enough of your guilt devours you from the inside out, you may soon become emptier than I am

But we are both being eaten alive

For some things in this life are insatiable

Are merciless

For this we both know

So let it be be a waiting game

To see who holds out longest

Before mercy takes us

For herself

~ i do not care if you are sorry anymore (02.21.21)

D • e • l • i • r • i • u • m

James & Cordelia

~

You shift in and out of focus.

When I catch your gaze across the night there is only streaks of gold.

Your breath a blur against my skin.

Your love a shadow.

~

I see you clearest in dreams,

In a feild of daisies.

There is a cliff,

But you hold on.

You hold on.

For some part of you trusts,

That I am coming for you.

You trust

That I

Am coming

For you.

And I do.

I am falling through the layers of the universe.

I am facing the possibility of the person I could become.

He does not look like he remembers you.

And this scares me most.

So I grip the hilt of my sacrifice

And shatter the mirror.

I am wounded a million time over with the flying shrapnel consequences.

There is darkness.

But I hold on.

I hold on.

For some part of me trusts,

That you are coming for me

That you

Are coming

For me.

And you do.

~

I left you stranded on a dance floor once,

Amongst a sea of spinning laughter.

I don't remember why I did that.

I don't remember what your face looked like when I turned away from you.

I remember...

You

My hands ghosting along your waist.

Phatom pain when we were palm to palm.

Your softly blooming joy.

Your wilting smile.

It haunts me still.

I don't remember why I did it, now.

But I would finish the waltz with you

If I could.

I would give you as many dances as you cared for.

If you would take my hand for them.

If you might trust me long enough,

To lead you through the steps again.

I promise,

I will not let you fall

Without catching you

This time.

~

I held all of you in my arms once,

Only to let you go.

I don't remember why I did that.

I don't remember how the walls were not engulfed by the flames consuming us.

I remember...

You

Dawn spilling from your edges as you overflowed.

Beads of light brimming where the stitches of us tore.

I remember...

Burning

Not minding if I turned to ash in your palms.

Smoked filled senses with nothing but you.

Your skin a wildfire.

You dance a story that flickers in your eyes like flame when you looked at me.

What I would give for you to tell me a tale again.

For your voice rustling my eyelashes.

~

When I read,

I catch the brush of your hair

In the flutter of every turning page.

I see you,

In the glimmer of light,

That catches on a drawn sword

In the sunset of battle.

I do not know why loving you is so easy

~

Excerpts from a James and Cordelia poem that has been sitting in my drafts for a while, thought I would share some parts before Chain of Iron comes out :))

"You have time."

They say

"You are still young."

But one day I won't be.

One day soon I won't be.

And then what?

And then what?