Vaelzz - Vaelzz - Tumblr Blog
It feels so odd to be treated with kindness and respect. I think people do themselves a disservice by keeping dismissive, toxic or downright negative friends, family or romantic interests in their lives. On the other hand I know how isolating it can be to cut it all out and just be left with your own thoughts in an endless echo chamber debating that you might actually be the toxic/negative, that you might be overly sensitive or perhaps selfish/narcissistic for feeling hurt over people downplaying or wilfully ignoring something you've achieved…
In worst cases downright insulted and degraded which I personally have always understood as people projecting their own insecurities and envy which helps ignore it sure but even still when it is persistent it slowly wears you down over time and serves as a way to validate your own internal negative thinking about yourself. I'd think I'd only care about what I truly think but then I'd simply let myself be exposed to negativity until it's literally hardwired into my very being and being told positive things is met with a lot of internal resistance because I truly don't believe it. The worst part is that I feel guilty for not truly appreciating kindness or affection which makes me anxious because I am unable to reciprocate and I understand it's not supposed to be like a transaction but when someone is genuinely nice to me I just melt into a puddle of confusion. This is all internal though because on the outside it's easiest to just say "Thanks!" and move on because exposing the issues I see can be seen as attention seeking or just simply draining to people which will be met with frustration and resistance from them.
But again it just feels so bizarre to have someone be genuinely appreciative. The screenshot attached to this post is an old artwork of mine reposted to the story of a new very special individual who has entered my life and it really puts into perspective the stark differences in every simple interaction. It feels so crazy to me that I'd invest so much time and energy into people that would refuse to input even the bare minimum and would even go as far to exert their own expectations followed by incessant downplay at every opportunity.
The artwork is from 2015 and it's taken on a cheap borrowed school camera at The Den Of Nargun and then further edited and painted over on my old craptop and only a mouse (R.I.P pre-tablet days) so screen was barely calibrated or accurate but it was inspired by The Hallow in Terraria which is one of my favourite games. I remember showing it to a close friend of mine this after gifting them a Canon film camera that had a good lens. (it was old and compatible with their new Canon and I used Sony so why not) But they literally said it looked like vomit which beyond irked me because whilst it's not perfect it was a prominent creation in my life when I was just 17 in highschool without many resources. I also won an acquisitive art award for it alongside another piece called An Ever Flowing Stream of Eternity, acquisitive meaning the local gallery acquired it and I was given $500 alongside some other art supply gifts which I don't like to brag about but surely it must have some merit or value for that? Certainly not vomit right?????
I guess to top it off I was only sharing it because having gifted them a camera I was recommending locations to go except they literally went 2 days later without telling me after I said I wanted to return there and retake some pictures now I am older with a better camera. Definitely some strong gaslighting there when trying to confront it but that's whatever but what really irked me was them just shoving all their photographs in my face and essentially demanding praise and getting upset if it's anything less than positive. I'd never really share much of my art or things I made because people wouldn't really care which I figured is fair enough because everyone has different tastes and there is zero expectation for someone to like or appreciate anything you do but after so many years of that you just feel so empty. Because this is just one instance but there are countless instances with plenty of other people too which is incredibly demotivating because why bother doing or sharing anything that someone is just going to devalue? Might as well focus my attention elsewhere??? Except I'd still always have that inherent drive to create and achieve things so ultimately it just led to cyclic toxic cycles of internalized perfectionism.
But now being met with something as simple and trivial as a story repost followed by being spammed likes because I felt sad about this artwork being called "vomit" and an overall general lack of appreciation after discussing some concepts around Tall Poppy Syndrome it just… idk it sort of warms my heart and honestly I was melting a bit and I felt so guilty that this person was showing kindness and appreciation towards me because I felt so underserving? The crazy thing is that it's so simple and basic yet feels so foreign to me to have someone take the time and basic thought to undertake the gesture. For the record the share and likes are meaningless, it's all just superficial social media bullshit but the simple gesture and thought is what touches me deeply yet it feels like such a basic and trivial thing so it really makes me think back to when I'd let negative people remain in my life and convince myself I'm selfish for ever having the passing thought that I'd like the same respect and energy given to be returned mutually.
Life drawings from March that I was too insecure to post because my silly mind sucks at anything beyond digital and is eternally frustrated. 🫠
Reblog from 2017, I actually sort of want to recreate this today
My Eyes Burnt Out Long Ago
2016, Created in Illustrator It was actually just me testing out the software and messing around but finding it again years later it actually sort of looks more like an artwork than a playtest haha
I'm curious: do you think AI art should be considered art or not? I honestly don't agree with it because it's just plain lazy, but I want to hear your opinion about it.
Been procrastinating on this ask because there is a lot to be said. I've actually written about 10k words around AI art throughout the year which I've been planning to breakdown and make digestible because I know no one wants to read a massive text wall randomly.
For the most part I'm pretty conflicted, I do think that people relying on AI to create art with no understanding of beforehand tends to lead to these repetitive and soulless pieces with no substance. From a technical perspective it's usyally pretty impressive albeit with some minor defects, it has all the bells and whistles of what you'd think would be art yet it fails to actually feel like art.
Over time this has led me to believe that AI is just a tool like all the other tools that came before it that made things easier, it's an amplified version of the same principle. However there is a distinction between art and craft. It just makes the technical side faster and more professional but without a lack of intent and personal touch you are always going to get these soulless pieces with AI models as most are trained on other people's artworks/styles. 95% of AI art I see is just complete garbage and you can tell it's AI because all the AI pieces typically have a pretty distinct style so you just end up being flooded by millions of AI art pieces in a spammy fashion by people that have nothing to say or express. It's actually pretty offensive to all the hardwork and lifetime artist's have spent learning their craft but the worst part is that it causes oversaturation so the public perception of art's value goes down. This means unless you are already well known or insanely talented no one is going to give a fuck about you or your art unless you have a close group of friends interested in art. So overall as an artist it just means spending countless hours, weeks, months, years? Alone and isolated working on things traditionally for no real return which is fine if it's for fun but it feels like you have to make such heavy sacrifices to even make art in modern society. Simply for no one to truly value or appreciate it.
I know it's going to be adapt or die to keep up so I've been experimentint painting, blending and compositing different elements generated with AI in Photoshop to make new and original things but I do also feel perpetually guilty about it so I have rarely posted any but I will mention that I'm still putting tons of hours and effort into creating. It just puts me in a weird spot because implementing AI tends to carry the connotation of the AI is doing all the work (which can be true for the soulless spammy pieces around) but the fact it's not entirely AI or entirely done from hand just puts me in an anxious loop lol. But ultimately I have this idea in my head that I'd like to get out faster but often I just end up actively handicapping myself and spending many hours extra for stuff that people aren't going to care about.
I think intent matters massively in all of this and I'm still debating and questioning myself. I think on this account though I'll continue to post any non-AI work and post mixed Art implementing AI on my new account idiovoidi
I've been posting to Tumblr since 2013 on/off so I'd hate to discredit all the work I've done over the years.
Dm&Glm
Been in my drafts since like 2017-18 from when I was learning to sculpt digitally, I have like 600 or so rough sculpts I just never did anything with but this was a timelapse idea after I realised I could make easy timelapses if it’s just one object and I just reverse through the history.
Snippet of me covering Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz which has been slowed down and distorted.
It ends up going for 8 minutes due to slowing it down and I had to add some new instruments. Might chop it up into a distorted glitchy lo-fi remix at some point just to cut down the length a bit but yeee just a rough snippet.
Update on this 2016 post, it was undiagnosed ADHD lmao
I don’t quite understand how I manage to simultaneously get no work done, no photography, no games/movies or other leisure activities along with zero social interaction on a weekly basis. I don’t even know where my time goes.
So I struggled to learn to paint from scratch for the longest time and it was a super frustrating experience since despite learning all the theory and having the idea in my head I could never translate forms well into reality. Pretty sure the first was before I had ever tried meds and the 3rd image I think was an update whilst on SSRIs but the point where it gets way more detailed is after I started Vyvanse. Sort of oddly changed my brain and made a few gears start turning and I got rapidly better and improved more at art in a month than I did in the past idk few years.
Couple of years ago now, I'm actually debating selling my Gimbal now lowkey. This was some work I was doing for an initiative after the 2019-2020 Australian bushfires for the wildlife restoration with nest boxes for the birds and youth education around biodiversity.
I spent the entire day filming in the rain so I was soaked and tired. The drive home was a couple of hours and I literally got into an accident in the last two minutes towards home. I had insurance but the excess was not a pretty cheap price. 😥