Tenebrous

Tenebrous

AN: I’ve always wanted to write a poem with the word tenebrous woven throughout and I’m so glad that it finally came to me after a year or searching for the right words. 💜 Also, I accept poetry requests or commissions, just send it along in my ASK box. :D

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You are tenebrous in the way you hold me Hands cradling my body like I’m the owner of a broken wing. The words you whisper in my ear jagged, pinching off In a wince as you push me away, and I’m left standing Alone searching for you in the chamber of my mind. You are tenebrous in the way you kiss me Gently at first and then with more force Like your trying to take my oxygen and heal Yourself, but I’m tired so tired of being your Emotional outlet, but I’ll keep panting in hopes It soothes the crease between your brows And keeps you happy when we’re together. You are tenebrous in the way you talk to me Some days it feels like those three little words I’ve waited to hear for so long are right there doing A balancing act on your tongue, but right before they fall, You jerk them back and move on to something you didn’t Mean to say at all leaving me aching and hungry to hear it Just hear it once. You are tenebrous as the nightmares that haunt me In which you don’t exist and the world without you Is a pained grief-stricken cry, the sunlight snuffed out As I’m caught in the never ending night wondering if love Is alive in you—capable of growing in you—or if it was just Some feverish dream that I dreamt when I was sick and had A fever of 102. 

You are tenebrous and I realize now that I never once Had you, and that you never once loved me because you aren’t Capable of love—not yet that is—because you are a spring Shriveled by the cold winter’s breeze, the love you once housed No longer warming your fingers as they brush the tears from my cheek. You are tenebrous, Hard to understand, Vague, obscure, and Drenched in the shadows Of the past that riddles you With scars and stains your skin With an inky blue mark reminding me That our love was only ever tenebrous.  

Why can’t I breathe When you get near me Why can’t I speak When you say: “I’m listening’” Why can’t I be The one to cut this off Strike a match against The wall and burn everything Reminding me of the way you Hold me down at night Your eyes bulging From their sockets Insanity tainting Your touch. Why… Why… Why… Do I take it? Why do I let you Take and take Till I’m empty, Numb and can Only smile Teeth bloody Cheeks aching Soul raw and torn. Why… Why… Why…. Why can’t I let you go? Am I really so addicted to the pain That I can’t escape your vices and Keep on drinking from the fountains of your eyes -- is this the price of love Taken from the very hand of Hades. Why….

Hungry

Hunger

Wanting to eat   But being told you can’t By the army of voices in your mind Growing louder with every pang in your stomach And you want to eat, you really do, but you’re scared  Of what will happen if you disobey the rules and have Just one bite of the food in front of you. Hungry. 

Comfort

Some days I wish To crawl up in your heart And lay my head Against its walls Feel the muscle pulse Beneath my ear and Fill my veins with The steady drumming Calming the chaos making Up the war zone that is my mind.

Some days it feels like I’m dying Each breath dry and lacking anything to sustain me Dehydrated lips trying to remember the taste of your name Upon them. Some days I feel like I’m dying Like my soul has shriveled up And my heart quit and didn’t Hand in its pink slip. Some days it feels like I’m dying The magic in my veins all dried up And gone away with the winds of my Inner turmoil and hatred laced thoughts Of doom, fake love, and bloody dreams too. Some days it feels like I’m just a husk of a human Going through the motions but never Really truly feeling them Violet-blue veins running Down the insides of my arms Visible and stark against the pale Tint of my skin—don’t judge me— I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. Some days I feel like I'm dying Like my insides are going to explode And leave me exposed, wounds gaping Heart racing, begging someone to just...care. Don't worry, it not physical this need To implode, let off steam, and let The world get a taste of the real me. It's all in my mind--I mean-- I guess it's my mind, that's what the doctor Told me when I was nine so it must be mine My fault that is. Some days I feel like I'm dying But I haven't died yet so I must still be alive So that must account for something right? Right?

I'm still here Standing on my own two feet A smile bequeathed upon my cheeks Pale with lack of sleep and the need To eat but my stomachs in knots so I just Keep running away from the obvious as Tendrils of black, inky, death furl around my heart

And squeeze and squeeze and-- I'm still standing despite the fact That some days I feel like I'm dying.