I Miss You. I Wish Things Would Have Turned Out Different.

I miss you. I wish things would have turned out different.

I’m having a bad day mentally and I just want to break down but I can’t. Too many people awake and around. I can’t talk to my friends bc I already feel like I’m annoying and a burden. Then to try and avoid this hurt my mind goes to him. And I can’t talk to him or anything bc I blocked him. And I can’t unblock him bc then I might get worse. Idk what to do.

I can feel myself getting bad again and I’m scared.

“I wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips

It's all that I've been thinking about”

-“Can I Be Him” by James Arthur

This song was the main song I listened to last time I liked him, especially after he got a gf. And it broke my heart every time. Still hurts to hear to this day because it brings back all those feelings.

I’m having a day where the realization of my limits of being sick is hitting. I just want to get married and be a stay at home mom someday. I can barely fold laundry and put it away without feeling tired. Putting dishes away is exhausting. It took me two hours to clean one bathroom once bc I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. But I’m the ridiculous one who has to prove I can do it even though I cried most of the way through it. I can’t imagine a day where I feel healthy enough to take care of kids and clean the house and cook and do everything that needs to be done. I can’t see that future and it hurts. Because that is the only thing I have ever wanted for my future. I don’t have a dream job and I can’t just travel and move as I’d like to. Honestly most days I can’t even see myself in the future. When I was in high school I didn’t think I’d live past 20. Not sure why 20 but it was 20. I can’t see myself having a future. Much less a future where I’m happy and living a normal ish life.

I have no one to talk to. Not even my family. Everything hurts. I’m so alone.