Sarcasticacefriend - Sarcastic Ace Friend

every single negative stereotype about women was dreamt up by men who were projecting. fight me about it.

Tricks for Perceivers: ORGANISATION AND TIME MANAGEMENT

The basis of the first part of this post is that perceivers are most content when they can do stuff whenever they feel like doing them. The idea is therefore to trick your mind into thinking you feel like doing it instead of it being forced. Here’s how you can do that:

1. Change the To Do title to Would Like To Do/Could Do/May Do or something along those lines, whatever you heart desires Though this doesn’t particularly work for me it could for you so I threw it in there. It’s pretty self explanatory - it helps you perceive the tasks as if they’re desired instead of demanded.

2. Switch location (and keep switching it) As long at the place you’re doing the task at is giving you that feeling of novelty that makes you a little bit excited, that’s great. Once it gets too familiar, however, switch it. It doesn’t have to be a drastic change, it just has to be a different place - e.g. a different room, a different table at a library, the opposite side of the table that gives you a slightly different view, different cafe… I wouldn’t change the location until it feels too familiar though because this nevertheless is about keeping the interest higher while still primarily focusing on the task.

3. Work when you otherwise wouldn’t I sometimes wake up at 5 am to study for an hour and a half before I head to school. This is not because I’d enjoy waking up early since I generally love staying up pretty late but because if you decide to do something at a time that’s unusual for you, you’ll probably feel ahead of the game and as if you have your life put together. It’s literally just about putting yourself in the mood for being productive.

4. Play pretend Actually getting ready, dressing into professional clothes or something cozy yet still put together and everything that goes along with that doesn’t only make you appear like you’re a productive and organised individual, it also makes you feel that way which will likely boost your motivation.

However, you’re still a perceiver, so… How to not go crazy:

5. Schedule the “no schedule” time Make it long enough so it actually feels like you have some time without any limitations regarding what to do and when to do it. This is especially important when you have hectic schedules. It may seem inconvenient and as if you’re wasting your time if you do that during the hectic week but if you keep following insane schedules for too long you’ll eventually burn out and end up throwing away even more time. Make it possible so that one afternoon or whichever long enough part of the day in the midst of all the crazy days you’ll have nothing scheduled.

6. Don’t plan, visualise  Visualising allows you to imagine how you could spend your time in the future. This doesn’t put on the pressure to follow a strict schedule but it still makes you loosely determine what should be done the next day and when approximately. For me writing down a To Do list can be somewhat cool as long as I make it visually appealing but following it is a huge motivation drainer. So if I know that there are things that have to be done that already demand much attention and focus (e.g. studying), I avoid writing anything down, I stick to just having a loose schedule in my head.

7. The general rule When there are things scheduled for you, do not overschedule in the free time that’s left for you. When there’s little to nothing scheduled for you, schedule stuff for yourself to stay productive but only make 1 or 2 things per day strict. And not long. Add other stuff on the go.

8. Understand when you can work for a short time and when you just have to keep going to finish whatever you have to do  Generally perceivers handle quicker and shorter tasks much easierly than the lengthy ones but sometimes you cannot avoid the long study sessions unless you planned ahead to avoid studying one day before the exam… but that’s less likely I’d say. Some people suggest to take breaks but beware of falling into a void of distractions and end up searching up for like an hour (or more) some random things that suddenly become so interesting. Once you stop doing the boring task and allow yourself to do something more fun you have to trick yourself into following a schedule all over again and that’s a pain. If I know I have a very focus-oriented busy day ahead of me I’ll prepare mentally the day before and just try to make the best of it, avoiding the breaks as much as possible.

The “only have sex with people you are attracted to” discourse may be a reaction against women and teen girls (often lesbians in denial) being coerced into sex with people/men they didn’t want to have sex with, with their rapists not respecting “I’m not attracted to you” as a reason to refuse. So the logic is that if it’s a thing to have sex with people you’re not attracted to, that will be used as a weapon in lgbtq spaces to coerce/rape even more young women. Do you have thoughts on this?

Wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t require enthusiasm or attraction, but it does require want.

It’s up to the individual to decide if the desire to have sex with another person is rooted in expectations from others, or for personal interest.

I’ve had a lot of sex most of it wanted, some of it emphatically not, and some of it falling into an uncomfortable grey area.

I’m going to give examples of some of my sexual encounters, because humans are exceptional pattern matchers, and this is a very difficult and complex concept to express verbally. Usually it would be the kind of thing you learn from experience, first or second hand. So, here’s some experiences, second hand.

As an example of “enthusiastic consent,” there was a man I knew in college, let’s call him Kismet. Kismet and I had a very fraught relationship. We never dated, and in fact were rivals in our software development department. We had more shouting matches than not, about what constitutes meaningful fucking technical comments, primarily.

We also had a lot of extremely aggressive sex. We both looked forward to it at the end of long projects, and as I was something of a slut at the time, I enjoyed flirting shamelessly with pretty boys and girls in front of him as foreplay. When we fucked, it was with extreme desire on both our parts. We were hot college kids with a lot of emotions and shit. It was everything your entry level consent education courses say it should be: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, explicit, specific.

I would consider that the kind of gold standard that a lot of people imagine, but it’s only one way to have consensual sex.

As another example of consent, I was a popular “practice partner” in school. I always happily agreed to let other queer kids use my body as a way to explore their own desires. It was fun. I wasn’t attracted to most of them, in fact I only remember two of them out of around a dozen. I doubt most of them were attracted to me, beyond the fact that I was representative of some kind of opportunity. We all had fun, learned about ourselves, and moved on. This is what consent looks like without attraction, but with enthusiasm.

I have long term partners, now. And lifelong disabling illnesses. Sometimes, we want to have sex, but it’s impossible to get the energy together to be excited by the idea of it. Sometimes, we have sex lazily or after taking my painkillers, to make the physical activity of it easier. This is what consent looks like, without enthusiasm, but with want.

I also do sex work. I was full service for a while, and that required a very different type of consent. I had no desire to sleep with my clients. Only one was even moderately attractive to me physically, and all of them were rude and condescending. But, I did want their money, and I was more than willing to provide a service to get it. So, by extension, I wanted to have sex with them, for reasons other than my own physical satisfaction.

It was the easiest work I’ve ever done, and if I hadn’t literally doubled my weight in the last 6 years, I would go back to it. Because it benefits me. This is what convent looks like with none of the trappings of desire. A choice made on the belief that it will benefit you. This is how you can want to have sex with a person, without wanting that person’s body or mind.

That’s where the bottom line of consensual sex lies for me.

Then there’s coercive rape.

That’s the name for the type of pressuring you describe. And I’ve been there too. Careless sex positivity that doesn’t adequately educate kids on what the bottom line of consent is, is one of the worst things that a victim of this kind of rape can use against themselves.

Sexual consent is, at its root, no different than contract consent or medical consent: if you’ve been lied to, or been pressured into signing, it’s not a valid deal. It’s just rape.

Knowing what consent looks like, in all its forms, can help keep kids from getting cornered into sexual experimentation they’re too young for, or too scared of, just because someone else tells them to.

But, so often, people focus on only a single form of consent, that gold standard one up there that I led with. And then every other consensual act on this list becomes a cloud of grey that covers up what consent can look like. And if you don’t know what it looks like, it’s too easy to get confused and end up lost and hurt.

The fault always lies with the rapist here (though in cases like this, many of them don’t even know they’re being rapists), but when you learn that you could have avoided it somehow, it’s very easy to say you SHOULD have avoided it, and wrack yourself with guilt.

The whole “nuanced discussions of consent will get more girls coercively raped” line of thought is fault.

By having nuanced discussions of consent, more men will realize that their behaviour is unacceptable, and more women will be given the confidence to explain exactly why it’s unacceptable.

These kinds of discussions benefit people.

If, after having been given all this information, a man still does not take “no” for an answer, then he was never operating in good faith to begin with, and needs to be kicked in the teeth and sent away until he gets his act together.

But, generally, people want to be good, and having a discussion about the myriad types of consent will help people be good.

the greatest skill a woman can learn for herself is self reliance