Rose-m4ry - Counting Down - Tumblr Blog

"It was September. In the last days when things are getting sad for no reason."

– Ray Bradbury

These are the fundraisers that have contacted me recently:

@fahedshehab051 / Help Sahar and Her Family to Evacuate Gaza/ fundraiser / €54,625 raised of €85,000 goal

@dina179 / Help Dina and her children survive through the war/ fundraiser / $12,570 CAD raised of $50,000 goal

@springbutterfly37 / Gaza Humanitarian Help For my Family/ fundraiser / $2,028 USD raised of $45,000 goal

@ahmednser / Your donation rebuilds our life, which has become non-existent / fundraiser / €167 raised of €100,000 goal

@mayadayyad81 / Help little children of Gaza stay safe and alive! / fundraiser / $39,580 USD raised of $50,000 goal

@familyetaf1234567 / Please help us get out of life's crises and the woes of war. / fundraiser / €2,023 raised of €50,000 goal

Toxic studytok sounds like this to me

To be completely clear, the month I started being more active on this blog was the month I was into this type of mentality. I was completely repulsed by myself, and by extension, a lot of work I was doing was because I wanted to compensate for how much I hated everything, well, myself. I was fully aware that this mentality wasn't helpful or productive at all and that was exactly my intention. I'd been using grind culture as an outlet to harm myself because at least then, people would think that I was a hard worker.

Thankfully I switched gears before I could spend the entire year digging my own grave. I still hate myself but that doesn't crush me the same way it used to before. I'm learning a lot about how to live and learn that I wouldn't have understood if I just kept going at the "I failed -> I'm a bad person -> I need to try harder to compensate" loop, and there's more growth and maturity in finding the nuance within yourself instead of black and white "I didn't do this so I'm a failure and a parasite to society" thinking.

I need people to understand that grind culture is just immature and self destructive. I need people to stop glorifying this shit. You don't learn from beating yourself up. Opening yourself to humility, patience, and an openness to being wrong without wanting to jump off a fucking cliff is how you learn. I wanted this to be simple and easy so bad, even if it was through destruction, but it's just not. Shit's complicated. You fail, and then you have to keep going, and you have to learn how to live with yourself over and over again in different ways that aren't just "I'm shitty and I need to DIE."

So much to be said about the time I was depending on toxic motivation videos for school and how I only started to sincerely enjoy learning when I stopped associating it with my self worth and more with the desire to understand the world around me. I've talked about it with a friend before but workaholism and grind culture are one of the most acceptable and even encouraged forms of self harm that masquerades self destruction as productivity.

The reality it is so much easier to destroy yourself when the world is actively encouraging you to, and it is so hard to understand yourself as a human being with value outside of work. Mitski really was right when she said self-preservation is an act of revolution.

So much to be said about the time I was depending on toxic motivation videos for school and how I only started to sincerely enjoy learning when I stopped associating it with my self worth and more with the desire to understand the world around me. I've talked about it with a friend before but workaholism and grind culture are one of the most acceptable and even encouraged forms of self harm that masquerades self destruction as productivity.

The reality it is so much easier to destroy yourself when the world is actively encouraging you to, and it is so hard to understand yourself as a human being with value outside of work. Mitski really was right when she said self-preservation is an act of revolution.

These are the fundraisers that have contacted me recently:

@fahedshehab051 / Help Sahar and Her Family to Evacuate Gaza/ fundraiser / €54,625 raised of €85,000 goal

@dina179 / Help Dina and her children survive through the war/ fundraiser / $12,570 CAD raised of $50,000 goal

@springbutterfly37 / Gaza Humanitarian Help For my Family/ fundraiser / $2,028 USD raised of $45,000 goal

@ahmednser / Your donation rebuilds our life, which has become non-existent / fundraiser / €167 raised of €100,000 goal

@mayadayyad81 / Help little children of Gaza stay safe and alive! / fundraiser / $39,580 USD raised of $50,000 goal

@familyetaf1234567 / Please help us get out of life's crises and the woes of war. / fundraiser / €2,023 raised of €50,000 goal

whatever dude i dont even look that tormented mostly

“I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love, for the first time in my life. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn’t matter to me. And it’s not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I’ll do anything you say.”

— Pierre Choderlos de Laclos

Hate diet culture so much bitches will b like “don’t eat processed carbs they’re so bad for you” like and??? So what?? God did not give us grain and stone to grind it with for no reason. Bread is inevitable. Bread is food for the heart and the soul. U think I’m gonna give that up in pursuit of instagram fitness?? U think I’m gonna deny myself the simple pleasure of toast with jam so I can endlessly chase an ever-shifting standard of beauty that ultimately means nothing? In 20 years I will no longer be beautiful and in 60 my body will be vacant food for other, smaller creatures. But the taste of fresh bread? Of homemade donuts and still-warm pie? I will carry the taste on my tongue into whatever follows this life. So like. Stop telling me I should diet lmao. I’m not abt to martyr myself just to get a man to look at me.

I’m trying to expand this project and add all kinds of new features. If you want to help, you can pledge 1$ to my patreon here, and in exchange, you’ll get access to a second project where I try to create the coziest/warmest art collection on the internet.

Tokyo (2008) by Willem Alink on Flickr.

Fuck, I feel like shit. I need to sleep so bad. My body is screaming

from a young age i knew i wanted to give up when things got hard

Fml

”pdf file” “unalived” “grape” “corn” what if i killed myself right here right now

why is privacy so eroded. I get treated like a nutcase if I say no, I don't want strange companies taking pictures of my home and putting them online for maps or whatever. I don't want to be in the background of your tiktok, and I think it's weirder for you to assume I'm okay with it than it is for me to politely ask you to refilm it so my face isn't in the frame. I don't enjoy handing my employer a list of every online account I have and feeling under surveillance when I'm just shit posting or sharing pictures of my cats or garden harvest. I don't want to hear your private calls on speaker on the bus, esp when the person on the line doesn't know you're broadcasting their words to strangers. I don't want an algorithm guessing what will piss me off the most so I spend more time online, engaging with shit I don't want to see or hear out of outrage. I don't want any of this. it's total ass.

I don't have anything high-priority today so I'm free to take a break and do some things I've been looking forward to this week. :]

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 24. 2024 "There it is again, that funny feeling."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Math review

♥︎ Math answer

Likely one of the rare instances where I've actually completed everything on my list for the day. I've been feeling like shit lately and I can't tell whether it's because I'm slacking or if I'm burning out so much that I get mad at myself for not working 24/7. I heard that's a thing that can happen, but I'm not sure, it might be the lack of sleep too. My mind's just been all over the place lately and I'm not sure why. It's harder to focus. I think I have to really ban myself from doomscrolling on Youtube and Pinterest so much, so I'm conditioning myself to use my phone since I don't have anything too distracting on there.

On the other hand, I really have been making progress. Have I mentioned it already? I forgot, but I talked about how 5 p.m felt like a death sentence when I haven't done anything all day on here before. That's because the hours proceeding it are the busiest for things like eating, showering, washing the dishes, etc.

In order to "fix" this, I just moved all those tasks a few hours earlier than I usually do them. I used to shower around 8-10 p.m, but I changed it recently to 6-7 p.m. I don't have any control on when I can eat, so I just eat as soon as the food is ready.

Aside from that, I've been switching tactics when it comes to studying for Math. I used to copy every little detail from the textbook onto my notebook, but now I just take the photo copies of the textbook's practice questions and make flashcards of them in Canva, then I just figure it out along the way. Math is easier to learn when you put application instead of theory first.

I'm still figuring this "time management" thing out, but I think I'm doing better cutting down dead weight than before. I just need to keep going.

𖤓 Morning entry

𖤓˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 24. 2024 [God, I'm pissed.]

To do 𐙚. ݁₊⋆❀˖°

♡ Answer Math problem

♡ Review for polygons and angles

Radio silence lately cause I've been falling off a bit. I'm really fucking mad at myself but I live anyways because what the fuck else can I do? Sorry if I sound bitter, just trying to process all this right now. I can feel whatever I had at the start of the month wearing off so I've been keeping a close eye on myself and trying to steer myself away from the cycles.

Aside from all that, I've been interested in the idea of making a carrd. I've been putting it off because everything you need to know about me already fits inside my introduction post, but working on visuals and maybe even a little section that links to all my journal entries so far would be interesting. Though, part of the reason why I've been so mad lately is because I haven't had the time to get into my hobbies.

I've been itching to actually have a session where I can just sit down and work on some projects I've been looking forward to for however long I wanted, but I'll have to wait and try not to go mad in the process.

Growing up is so fucking weird in general, but I'm starting to trust in my older self to be kind to me.

ugh why must I be always so repulsed by my own vulnerability but I find it very moving and impressive if other people are vulnerable with me????

Devin Kelly, from "Deer on the Side of an American Highway"

At the same time it's fascinating to think about. I remember being 6, staring at the corner of a table and gaining awareness of my growing conscience. My back burned everytime I did something wrong and that's when I realized that I was starting to understand the concept of remorse and consequence. It was a small moment of "Huh, things are changing."

Now it's the same thing but with the increasing awareness that I am so far from being a developed, fleshed out human being, that there's so much more ahead of me and whatever I thought was the entire world when I was 12 I now know was a small, narrow portion of it.

It's inevitable. There is a world beyond me that I don't know about. I am so small. We are so small. I'm trying to learn everyday, but I no longer want to pressure myself to understand everything at once the same way I did when I was 14. The fact is that I'm immature and ignorant and I won't be ashamed of it anymore in the way that I won't be ashamed to learn.

I'm so fucking tired of being a teenager but it's also so funny. So so fucking funny. "Oh god!! What if this is just like all those years ago?! I knew I've always been fucked up, I'll never change!" And then 'all those years ago' is when you were 12-14. Bitch you'll be fine