754 posts
Notenough-neverenough - I'll Be Okay, Is That What You Want Me To Say? - Tumblr Blog
Dear diary...
I wish I had the words to express the amount of pain I'm currently in.
Hi everyone, our 18 month old cat, Smudge, has been diagnosed with mediastinal lymphoma. Any donation, big or small, would be greatly appreciated to help pay for his rapidly increasing veterinary expenses. Thank you❤️
Hi everyone, our 18 month old cat, Smudge, has been diagnosed with mediastinal lymphoma. Any donation, big or small, would be greatly appreciated to help pay for his rapidly increasing veterinary expenses. Thank you❤️
Hi everyone, our 18 month old cat, Smudge, has been diagnosed with mediastinal lymphoma. Any donation, big or small, would be greatly appreciated to help pay for his rapidly increasing veterinary expenses. Thank you❤️
I'm proud of you for making it this far.
Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.
It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.
Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.
It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.
This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.
True
i am the loneliest person on the planet
it’s when your friends grow distant from you. and you make excuses for them because they never explained themselves. “they’re busy with school” “their family has a lot going on” you respect their privacy. you don’t want to annoy them. until you see their online posts. all of them together. meeting up in a restaurant. a reunion. everyone who seemed so busy has no problem leaving you out. not even asking if you were free. not missing your presence. and you wonder why. why was i left out with no answer? why do i get left behind? why does no one talk to me anymore? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? i have no friends. i’m no one’s first choice. i’m not even a last choice. i’m not even here. does anyone think of me? not about what i can do for them. but about how i’m doing? when will i meet people who think of me? who include me in anything? am i destined to be alone? why am i the worst person in the world? why won’t anybody tell me what i’m doing wrong? nobody’s here.
- amistillhere
It's a different type of loneliness being lost in your head.... No one to speak to, and that sinking feeling that you're falling further into the darkness. When you're all you got, but you talk down to yourself constantly. You'll never be good enough.. no one stays because of you.... All I have is me and I'm not even on my side..
Somehow, despite my best attempts, I doubt I will ever be content with my own company.
I think there will forever be some part of me who yearns for that standard teenage friendship, you know? The late nights, the car rides, just the opportunity to have someone to talk to.
I’m so used to being second place- the friend they sit with when the others are away, the one they call when no one else picks up, that despite my best efforts, I can never see myself as anything more than a placeholder.
I’ve never had the high school dream. The friends, the parties, the relationships. Just the overwhelming sense of discomfort. The recognition that despite my best efforts, I will never be seen as more than the “fat friend”.
I don't think people understand what it means to be lonely and misunderstood for an entire life.
When I was a lonely child I was always thinking to myself "It will be okay, I will have friends when I'm a teenager."
When I was a lonely teenager I always thought to myself "its okay, I will have friends and a relationship when I'm an adult."
But now that I'm an adult I realize, its much more likely that it will stay that way forever. I will never belong anywhere.
Every time I think about messaging or calling someone, I have to remind myself that no one cares. If they did you wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out. They'd probably check up on you by now.
never being anyone’s best friend or the most important person in anyone’s life, ever, can really fuck you up emotionally
POV: you have no one to talk to so you just google all your thoughts and feelings in hopes of finding some scrap of belonging
Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?
You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.
You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.
You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.
I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.
Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.
I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.
I’m just the easy and convenient friend.
And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.
I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.
I’m always the back burner friend. The friend that’s always there for everyone, but not important enough to be there for. I’m only moved to the front when it’s convenient. I’m tired.