I Cannot Send To This Him, I Can't Lower My Self-respect Anymore It Already In The Ground (It's Been

I cannot send to this him, I can't lower my self-respect anymore it already in the ground (It's been 6 months of no contact after he rejected me and I blocked him)

I am really anxious. Can you talk like you did that day. Anxious like my bones are shaking. I am about to do something crazy and super important but I don't think I possess the guts to do it. So before that I am going something crazier so that the thing I will do next will seem pretty normal compared to this. Dude I miss you. You have no idea how many times I have dreamt of you. It's like you have left my life but still with me almost every night. I promised myself never to say your name again but it is your name that I see everywhere. Like it's impossible to forget you. There are times I suddenly miss you a lot like my brain is only capable so saying your name and then it appears that you posted something on social media or changed your profile pic. Like I get this intuitive hit that you have posted and I need to give my brain my dose of dopamine by seeing that picture. You said you were never interested in me. OK fine maybe not in this lifetime but maybe in the next. Or maybe after that one. I don't care. Just stay with me for one life out of the many you and I are going to have. And I don't need us to be humans also. You can be a monkey and I can be your favourite stone that you keep with forever till the day you die for all I care. I just mean that in any life we meet again, do not ever dare leave me again once you come in my zone of awareness. It will take me half a lifetime to forget you and I don't want to go through this agony again

I'm at that point in my life where even motivational videos don't motivate me anymore. Is all hope lost?

I want a soft spoken, humble man who does not get angry on small things, does not call me stupid or make me feel dumb for not knowing the answers or not being able to apple common sense sometimes because he knows it's human to make mistakes.

I want someone who will be my peace, whose eyes will enough to convince me survive one more day in this world and whose smile will make me forget all about my problems.

I want someone who does not raise his voice at anyone until it's very needed, is a good human at heart, and who treats everyone with respect.

I want someone who will balance my craziness and weirdness with love. Someone who will atleast want to be with me in tough times and include in his. Someone who understands that coming to dirty home after a long day of work will as irritating to me as it is to him.

Need someone who considers me as human as himself.

Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?

Do we have to breathe tomorrow?

Do I like you or you just possess qualities and achievements that I have been dying to achieve but want to have an easy way out by just having you in my life?

It took me 15 days to fall for you and 1.5 years to convince my heart to stop taking your name with every breath but still have really forgotten you? Can I ever forget you?

The More Loving One

i. Wikipedia / ii. Unknown / iii. Remember My Name - Mitski / iv. You Cooked for Me - Caitlin Conlon / v. A Loving Feeling - Mitski / vi. starparkdesigns / vii. A Burning Hill - Mitski