18 -

18 -

I was reminded today that I am not in control of much. That when I try to control every minute detail of my life….I’m constantly overwhelmed and anxious. Because it’s an impossible task.

That sense of control, feeling like I’m responsible for/in charge of everything that happens to me or other people’s lives/emotions/reactions— it’s heavy. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. And I carried it around for years.

Sometimes I reflect and I think “damn I really wanted to live on hard mode huh”. I refused to see another way. It was like I have two options: control my drinking/substance abuse or die.

I just want to laugh at that now. Only those two options. And now in sobriety, I feel like I have so many more.

Oh my god does it feel good to relieve myself of the pressure.

Also, I giggled while I typed out “relieve myself” (ha ha that means to potty!!!) because I’m 5 years old.

Sometimes I wish I was more concise.

My win for today was that I put away all of my laundry. Didn’t play musical chairs and move the little piles everywhere until a month later when I do laundry again. And it felt good. Like I have an actual genuine desire to take care of myself and my home because it makes me feel good. What a concept!!!!!!

Today in therapy I had to stop - mid-sentence - because I was thinking 5 things but wanted to say 10, and had to tell myself OUT LOUD “okay brain, just pick one”.

Well. I have ADHD. Clearly. Also it didn’t work.

Each day, a little better and brighter lol.

All day, errr day

Clarice Lispector, tr. by Ronald W. Sousa, The Passion According to G.H.

petition to remove the word “perfect” from every day use and also from conceptual existence.

I am everything. I am the stars, the trees, the sun, the ocean. I am the moon, the wind & the fire. I am my ancestors, I am Spirit, I am infinite, I am love. I am everything.

Weighted blankets aren't enough I need to be crushed in a hydraulic press