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We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

Bilal Al-Shams, Sacrifice

Overcoming my own mind is a reoccurring obstacle i face.

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Sometimes I feel this urge to do something shady, to keep secrets. It’s always when my life is going good. I feel suffocated if I don’t have something for myself. I feel like I need to explode.

I fuck up then I spend all this time trying to repair it and come out stronger - and then I’m like “hmm things are going a little tooo well” and I light my life on fire with gasoline.

I don’t get it. Why?

What motivates people to continue choosing the same choices/decisions even though they KNOW that it’s not the right one?

Even though I know that my choices are keeping me on this little hamster wheel of alcoholism and doom.

Why do we make the same mistakes over and over when we know better? I say I’m not afraid of stepping into my fear, but why am I terrified of choosing different when it comes to substance abuse?

I have a husband who loves me deeply and is so devoted. Sometimes the weight of the love is daunting. I am afraid of myself sometimes. I am afraid of the way I think. I worry that he has me on a pedestal. I am terrified of deeply hurting him or ruining us. I feel suffocated by the pressure of trying to improve. I am not doing it as gracefully as I hoped and I am holding fault with myself for that.

So when I look at myself, I think of all of my mistakes. Of how far I still need to go. Of the lessons learned. Of whether or not I am defined by the choices I make.

But I think that when other people look at me, they don’t see that. I think they may see the good.

I just want to see it too. And I am, slowly.

I had myself convinced that I was manic and suffering from grandiose delusions because I stopped people pleasing and started agreeing with people when they complimented me and speaking my mind and thinking that “I actually am a really great person”…..LOL

No, I’m just developing a strong sense of self worth. I’m doing things from a genuine place and not just so I can feel like I’m earning people’s approval/liking of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m totally delusional and I’m actually a giant asshole who totally self-absorbed and unaware of reality.

Welp. Hopefully not! Just gonna keep trusting my intuition and hoping for the best hehe

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I just feel shitty these days. I know I can’t drink. But the temptation to turn it all off is there.

I have a small window of time today and man, I am so tempted to cave and get just one drink. I’m not very good at being “bored”.

I am hot, my thoughts are disjointed, I feel disoriented, I feel antsy.

I made myself drive to a cafe and am sitting and eating lunch hoping to ride out the craving.

But I’ve made it 11 days without the booze! Yay! And tumblr just wished me happy 1 year to my blog.

My blog that I started with the intention of quitting alcohol….lol let this show that addiction isn’t easy people!

But we keep trying.

I’ve decided to surrender. When I start to feel like things are getting crazy in my body and it’s time to numb out - I try to challenge myself with staying within. Being present.

Apparently you can’t blanket surrender and just let life have its way with you. You have to actively surrender every day - how annoying lol

FEEL IT ALL BABY! Relearn how to live. Some people never do.

Reasons why I won’t drink today even though I feel like it would be fine:

• it affects my mood - down mood for the next 3 days, do I really want that?

• anxiety feels like whiplash every 10 minutes

• I will feel like a failure starting over again

• temporary relief that creates a bigger long-term problem

• I cannot control it

• to prove all the haters wrong lol (read: friends that gave up on me, exes that thought I was a mess)

This is my best today and it’s ok! I’m sober :)