It Was You. It Was Always You.

It was you. It was always you.

You were always the one I would've chosen.

And you chose someone else.

Lovesick Insomniac

Before you, I hadn’t let myself fall in love with someone so deeply. I learned from past experience that it’s safer to keep your heart closed so nothing and no one can hurt it. 

But when I met you, things felt different. You felt safe. You radiated such beautiful kindness and warmth that I finally let my heart open, bit by bit. Before I knew it, my heart had blossomed--and it was all for you. My heart belonged to you, then.

And even though I walked away from you, my heart still belongs to you. Even though you didn’t want me like I did you, I am still yours. I wish that I wasn’t, but apparently you don’t get to choose. It has been almost a week since we’ve parted, but you’re still the first person on my mind when I wake in the morning and the last person on it at night. Those are the worst times of day for me now, and even in my sleep I cannot escape you because you haunt my dreams. The other night I dreamt I was kissing you. I woke up smiling, but then the fog lifted.

So, instead of sleeping, I’ve been staying awake at night thinking about all the reasons I shouldn’t reach out to you...and all the reasons I should. I remind myself all the reasons I walked away in an attempt to stay strong and try to move on like I know I should. But my strength--my anger-fueled determination to put myself first--burns brightly for only a few hours until it leaves again. When it’s gone, my appetite goes with it and is replaced by constant nausea. My anger disappears and leaves nothing but the deepest sadness. It’s the kind of sadness that’s filled with longing, despair, and regret. Because...I miss you. I just fucking miss you.

Before you, I didn’t truly understand what it meant to be lovesick. Well, I get it now, and it sucks. Even so, I’ll never regret letting myself fall in love with you--even if that makes me a fool.

They say I dodged a bullet, but why can't I believe it?

How dare I let myself believe that anyone could ever actually love me.

Daddy Issues

Oops

It happened again.

The words that left your mouth

Transformed you into my father

And left me an obstinate

Shameful human mistake

Who would rather die than look you in the eyes again.

“It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are.”

— E. Lockhart