How Many Days Has It Been?

How many days has it been?

When did I see your smile for the last time?

Where did you go?

Unbearable. I shove these thoughts down to the deepest depths inside me. I let Shame mask me.

My memories were stolen from me.

A blank, black screen appears when I try to access the memory. And many other memories.

I was denied a look at him, after he had-

“ Thaw would’ve been too traumatic!”

I’m now left with a guilt, for not being able to see you one last time.

You took everything from me. You claimed it was for the greater good. Now, I can’t even remember his face.

My grandma died one summer. I woke up, my grandpa was freaking out, told me to go back to sleep. He went outside, called an ambulance.

I didn’t listen.

“ Nana?”

Dust particles waved around in the light shining through the windows. In front of one window, was the bed I was supposed to sleep in. I never slept in that bed, I always moved to the couch. I could never sleep alone.

In that bed, lied my grandma. She was as angelic as she was in death as in life.

She however was lifeless. Of course, this isn’t my first loss. She had a red blanked covering her cold body, as if she was asleep. A tear rolled down my eye when I sat next to her body.

I touched her arm.

“Nana?”

“Are you okay Nana?”

“Wake up Nana!”

I touched her forehead, caressing her hair. I leaned in close, waiting for her to wake. But when I first saw her, I knew.

I knew she was gone.

Im left with an angelic image of my grandma forever in my brain. If anything, I think it’s the one thing that helped me cope the most.

But him? My last image of him was stolen from me. I can’t see his face anymore.

Because they kept me from him, he is out of reach.

And that, is forever unforgivable

Actually writing your fanfic?? Nah

Creating Pinterest boards for said fanfic??

The amount of times my tears have just come out of nowhere.

I can’t control when I cry.

It just happens. I can’t stop it, I can’t prevent it, and I don’t know how to go about my day to day life. School, band, home life, when I’m around my boyfriend.

With my cptsd, I always have to put a cover around those I’m with. To appease them, calm the beast. Keep them happy, not angry not frustrated not sad not quiet not hurting

I have to keep them non threatening.

The truth is, all of the above are triggering. When they raise their voice, unnecessary cussing, when they have an attitude torwards me. When they’re quiet.

I have to shove trying to distance myself from them being triggering to keep them happy.

Because if I try to do what’s best for me, I always upset them. And that adds stress on me.

It’s a constant clusterfuck

Allow me to introduce you to my all-time favorite hidden gem of any Star Wars soundtrack. One that is rarely ever mentioned or noticed because it resides at the very end of the end credits of Attack of the Clones.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to listen to the entire 6-minute masterpiece. Most of you already know how the end credits typically go in a Star Wars film. The Rebel Alliance fanfare is played before John Williams delves into what he most likely considers to be the most important theme of the film. In this case, it was Across the Stars because…love story.

Now…just for reference, I need to make sure you know some themes in order for this to be as powerful as it can be. Those being:

The Imperial March which I’m sure all of you are quite familiar with. If you are new here or confused by the name, it is also commonly referred to as “Darth Vader’s Theme”.

Across the Stars is Anakin and Padme’s love theme throughout the Prequel Trilogy. If you can’t seem to remember or haven’t listened to it in a while but want to, just start the video from the 0:50 mark.

Anakin’s Theme is lesser known and also harder for people to remember since it’s not played very often. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when it happens so you know you’re hearing it.

Now…onto the reason I’m here…

If you skip to 4:25, you will hear a breathtaking rendition of the spectacular love theme played on a harp.

What happens after that is pure magic and pure genius on John Williams part.

At 4:55, we hear Anakin’s Theme. Though it doesn’t quite evoke childhood innocence as much as it did in the orchestral recording for The Phantom Menace. Now, it’s more distraught, more disjointed, more melancholy, and overall much more haunting.

At 5:13, we hear Across the Stars, a theme that is nothing short of beautiful every time it’s played…but listen to what’s happening underneath it.

At 5:18, while Across the Stars is still heard, we hear an undertone of The Imperial March. It interrupts the beauty of the love theme and lets you know of the darkness that surrounds that love.

At 5:25, John Williams takes that love theme to incredibly chilling heights.

At 5:35, the end credits close with a very foreboding rendition of The Imperial March. A rendition that is so gut-wrenching and stomach-churning even for the short 10-seconds that it plays and you’re almost begging the music to return to it’s happier, higher tone…but it doesn’t. That’s how it ends.

The end credits of The Phantom Menace ended with Vader too but that was only because Anakin’s Theme actually ends with a small snippet of it. This particular piece of music heard at the very, very end of Attack of the Clones is not featured anywhere else in any other Prequel Film as it’s written here. John Williams didn’t have to do that, he didn’t have to go that hard when it was the last few minutes of, not just the film, but the end credits. But…he did and I am oh, so glad he did because it gives me chills and makes me want to cry every time I hear it.

In short, that small piece of music magic, starting from Anakin’s Theme, manages to tell you the entire story of the Prequel Trilogy in less than 2-minutes and all through the power of music. 

𝙾𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚊 𝙶𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚜, 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎.

I’m trapped. Literally. I’m constantly facing my triggers, again and again and again and again and again and again

I’m trapped inside my own head. I stare into space and everything becomes blurry, I’m back to where it all started. The emptiness, the abandonment, and the urge to self destruct.

Let the count down begin.